you don't know who your secret admirers are

I swear I'm not a stalker. I'm pretty sure other people do the same too!

There's this guy with amazing style and he's the reason why I got a wolf cut. He's a senior, or, he was a senior. He graduated this year, and I'll never see him again. He's never going to know that he has inspired me to change my hair style. He's never going to know that he's literally changed a part of me. I will clarify that getting a wolf cut had been on my mind for a while at the time, as it was something that my bf at the time said he enjoyed. But this dude was an inspiration for me.

I joined a dance club at the beginning of freshman year because college was a time to try something new. I've always thought it was cool how people could move their bodies in such a way and wanted to do the same. I first saw him at the mass auditions (the club itself was open to all, this was just to see who could qualify for the intermediate and advanced dances). He was one of the organizers, and he would demonstrate the dance that we would have to copy.

He had a face mask on and these cute, furry cat ears (every staff member had cat ears) which perfectly complimented his shaggy wolf cut. It was a while ago, so I don't remember the exact details of what he was wearing, but I think it was streetwear? Think baggy shirts, baggy pants, and chunky sneakers. And yes, I thought he was hot. Just a little. But I really don't mean to drool over him. The point is that I just think he has very good style. When I see him, I just think to myself, "I want to look like that."

He was actually the instructor for the song that I ended up doing. He was great at teaching, and honestly such a nice and sweet person. But then I ended up quitting lol.

I wasn't very good at the dance. It involved A LOT of body rolls (I found out later that every year, there's a "thirst trap" dance, and the dance I was doing happened to be the thirst trap dance of the year), and I always felt super awkward doing them. Someone told me later on that my body rolls looked fine, so maybe it was all in my head? Anyways, I wasn't finding the time to practice the dance seriously either, and when the choreo started ramping up, I was getting more and more behind. I really wanted to go to office hours, but I didn't have the time to. Or rather, I wasn't finding the time to, as was the case with a lot of things in my first semester.

I also didn't really have friends in the dance. There were some people who were friends of friends. I talked to them once, but they didn't really talk to me afterwards, and I kind of took a hint. I tried to make small talk with the people next to me, but I think they were upperclassmen and had their own friends already. And so I was just a lonely little freshman who stood and danced by herself in the back. It felt like people didn't like me (or, didn't want to talk to me) because I couldn't dance well enough, and I wasn't putting in the work to get better, so the anxiety in my head just got worse.

Understandably, I hated going to practice, and so I eventually quit. It was also during a pretty rough patch in my life soooo. I messaged the dude about quitting, and he was very, very nice about it. I thanked him for his time and told him that he was a good teacher. I suppose that's the only time he's ever going to know the admiration I have of him.

I actually did see him again after quite a long time. It was the end of the school year, and MITWE was over so I could finally go to one of the monthly meditation rituals hosted by the Office of Religious, Spiritual, and Ethical Life (ORSEL) that always happened during rehearsal. I was so surprised to see him there. I think it was his first time as well. I wonder if he recognized me. I wanted to make conversation, say hi, but my socially awkward and anxious ass could never. I was there with a friend, and so I just ended up talking to him.

At that event, I was again reminded of how good his style is, and also how gentle his heart is. You know how you can get the feeling that someone cares about people from the way that they speak? The way he speaks sounds very warm and caring. Plus, he went to a meditation ritual. That definitely says something about his character. Of course, I don't really know who he is, but he gives off good vibes.

And maybe I'm wrong about who he is, but I like the idea of him nevertheless. I want to be like this idea that I have of him. To wear cool clothes and radiate gentleness, care, and consideration for those around me.

There's this sophomore (I guess now junior) who is a friend of a friend that I really admire. She's also a math major, and we've had maybe one or two conversations total. She waves at me when we see each other. I'm surprised that she even remembers me tbh, but I'm happy that she does because I think she's so so so so cool. I really know her only based on what I see on Instagram.

She shared some pics on her Insta story of her modeling for the Infinite (a student-run fashion magazine) and also for Sixty Sixty One, a project be some students in the Morningside Academy of Design that makes pieces out of A6061, the most prevalent aluminum alloy in the modern day. Holy shit, the pieces from Sixty Sixty One are fucking beautiful. Actually the most breathtaking piece of wearable art that I've ever seen. They're so thin and delicate and perfect. AND THE BUTTERFLY PIECE IS SO PRETTY !!! (I really like butterflies) Ephemeral is what the project describes its pieces. Ephemeral is the perfect word for me to describe them. You can check out the pictures in the most recent edition of the Infinite (https://infinitemagazine.mit.edu/#/issue-view/12).

Anyways, the point is that on her Instagram, she advertises her blog as well. She recently posted a sophomore year review and also wrote about her future summer plans and aspirations, and I took the liberty of reading the post on my long international road trip. Like I said, I don't really know her that well, and I learned so much from reading the post. She's doing a shit ton of courses, while also maintaining an insane level of fitness on top of that. Her writing is gorgeous and she does fun things with her friends. Oh, and also she's like, insanely pretty?????

After reading her post, I immediately gained the inspiration and motivation to write, and that was how this post started. It was one that was sitting in the back of my mind for some time after I met the first guy I talked about again, but I put the idea on hold like the many others in the back of my mind, waiting and praying for a chance to see daylight.

I fangirled to the friend who's the connecting link between us (mutual friend I suppose is the correct wording). He's a troll and so he texted "feeling envious?"

No, I don't feel envious. Seriously, the only thing I feel is inspiration and admiration. That's what I like about MIT. There are lots of people here that are very admirable. I mean, in makes sense. They were picked to be here for a reason, and they have the positive qualities to show for it. That's probably the best part of the school. And when I'm surrounded by these kinds of people, I'm inspired to improve myself in turn.

In general, I'm someone who gets easily inspired and awed by the things people do. I spend a lot of effort trying to pinpoint things that people do well. It's the easiest way for me to make friends. If I have a hard time identifying positive traits (that I care about) in people, I become ambivalent and even a little mean towards them. It's bad when I do that, because it is almost always a misjudgment on my part, and people don't deserve to be treated with apathy.

Trying to always view people with rose-tinted glasses always comes with its disadvantages, of course. I (used to, but also still do) ignore the bad things that people do. I get easily taken advantaged of. When I view myself compared to the people around me, these people who I believe to have no faults, I come to the false conclusion that I'm unworthy of being here.

But that's a traumadump for another time, isn't it?

Also, this isn't weird right? I'm not weird for admiring these people like this right? haha.......