"you don't deserve to suffer"

"You don't deserve to suffer", a recurring motif recently in my conversations. The people who have told me that don't understand how much that means to me.

I mean, there has been a lot of sweet and kind things said to me recently because it was my birthday this past Friday and people wrote me nice, sweet, kind notes. Reading their heartfelt words, I realized how easy it is to forget how much people care about you. Go write your friends a kind note. Maybe they've forgotten (or just never learned) the full extent of which you appreciate them. It would be good for the world.

I ran on the treadmill today. I set a goal for a distance that I could do without much issues (1 mile, and I've been going on 2-3 mile runs in the past) at a speed that I have done in the past (9 minute miles). It was so hard getting to the mile mark, even though I knew I wasn't tired. But it hurt so much in my mind. That pain made me want to give up way way way before my limit.

That probably extends to other aspects of my life, no? I could go through so much worse and be fine, I'm just a little bitch who wants to tap out too early because I can't handle pain. It's been something that I've been grappling with for a long time. I think I may have mentioned it in a previous blog post.

Hearing the words that I've received telling me that I don't have to go through pain and suffering, that I don't deserve that, well, it's just a weird experience. I think I've spent so long looking at everything that I'm going through and telling myself that I can do more that I've looked at all the suffering as something to be expected. Something that will always be there. Something that I deserve, because the pain that I feel now really isn't pain. It's just my mind making everything worse. My mind has a tendency to do that.

In the past, I've always brushed off statements like "you don't deserve bad things," but recently, more and more people seem to be telling me that. "Genuinely, I don't think you should suffer." Me personally? Because I'm a good person? It feels weird knowing that you see me as a good person. It makes me happy to think that, but I don't want to be happy, because I don't want to be egotistical. I think it's okay to feel happy when people tell you that you're a good person, though. I believe that logically, but not in my heart.

I mean, in the end, I don't think anyone deserves to suffer. Everyone deserves happiness, and love, and to not be lonely, and fulfillment, and the ability to do everything they wish they could do. By extension, I should get that too, but that's a lot harder for me to understand deep in my heart.

I don't really know where I'm going with this. It's just a short observation. Something interesting that I wanted to bring up. A quick, very personal update, if you will.

Thank you everyone for telling me these kind things. I appreciate from the depths of my heart. Truly.