some moments lately

it's been a weird time I suppose.

My vision is worse than normal today. My glasses don't have the correct astigmatism prescription, so everything is slightly blurry, but it's fine most of the time. Not today though. I suppose my eyes are too tired to focus or something.

But right now, walking back to my dorm between the tennis courts and the track field, I look up and I can see the stars. I stop on the dirt path and look up. There are so many lights in the sky today. The moon is there, too, shining brightly and clearly.

Those stars... they must be planes, I tell myself. And so I stand there and wait to see if they move. I don't think they're moving. Maybe they truly are stars. Maybe you can see stars in Boston. That one, not too far from the moon, is shining so brightly. Is that the North Star? I can almost see the constellations, traced out by the faint lights in the sky.

Maybe they are planes, because when I look out another way, I don't see anything. Or maybe the clouds are covering up the stars on this dark night. I can't tell. I do hope they are stars, though.

Everything is so loud today. I retreated into a study room. It was better. I felt the urge to sit down on the floor beneath the table, and here I am right now. I played some soft music. It's very calming. I've sat here for long enough for the lights to go out.

I was so distressed earlier, because everything is exceptionally loud today. It's nice to be in this room, under this table, listening to Lamp. I want to stay here forever.

But I need to go to the bathroom because I drank too much water earlier. It's a nice jolt. You get so caught up in your emotions, wondering how you're going to survive another moment in your head. Then your body sends you a signal that you can't ignore. And you get up and survive.

I have an odd tendency to question my happiness when I'm upset, or distressed, or in whatever this silly mood is called. I become convinced that all my happy moments are merely delusions. I tell myself that this state (of distress) is truth, and this is where I should be all the time.

I think it's called being stuck in your head.

These days, I've been stuck in an odd state of mild disappointment and thereby frustration at myself. I feel like I've been a worse person lately. I don't have anything super concrete to point to exactly (except that I feel like I've been ranting more to my friends, which I fear is a bad thing in excess because then I become a mental drain on them).

You know, one fear that I have is not being able to perceive when I'm being irrational, delusional, or being a bad person. I bring this up because whenever I'm under the influence of some substance, I am convinced in the moment that I have all my shit together when I don't. I have an impression that a similar principal extends to mood-induced states of irrationality and delusion.

A focus of mine as of late is being more aware of myself - my emotions, behaviors, and thoughts/beliefs - in an objective manner, since I'm never sure of what's actually happening in my head. I haven't really been thinking too much of that this week though, because I've been too busy to sit down and reflect on things. Maybe that's detrimental to my mental health.

Just gotta get through this week, I say, and then the weeks pile up. In my leisure time, I recover from my work by doing God knows what brain rot, and during my busy periods, I work inefficiently. And the weeks fly by. And I realize I haven't written in a while.