my first club retreat!!!

I went over the long weekend 11/9 - 11/11 (Veteran's day) to a retreat/lodge place in Cape Cod. It's not far away from the beach. The lodge itself is kinda old, like all lodges are, and it was also pretty poorly insulated, which was not ideal in early November. I think it's used primarily as a Christian retreat lodge, judging from the fact that the other group that was there was a Christian camp and the books on the bookshelves were old-timey how-to-be-a-good-Christian books.

I went with Addir. It's an interfaith dialogue club, meant to bring people of various different backgrounds together and in conversation, bridging gaps and promoting compassion and understanding. I know, that's a lot of big words, but I believe that Addir does a good job at its goal. These people are probably the kindest and most considerate group of people I've associated with. I hope I'll be able to convey this sentiment throughout this writing.

We left in the afternoon and arrived in the evening. I was in a car with two other people (who are quite cool!) but I got carsick for a bit, and so I decided to sleep for half of the journey.

This retreat is another step towards independent living for me. I don't know many of the rest prior to coming here. Even if I do get to know them, it won't be like living with friends as in the case in my dorm. A vast majority of the club are graduate students, and they don't have the eagerness to get to know each other as us youth do, or something. There's a general feeling of separation of personal and social life, I guess.

After picking my room (well, after moving my room because I realized that there was a room with a queen bed and a personal bathroom) after we arrived, I found myself wanting to be alone. I was expecting myself to want to hang out in the living room area and chatting with whoever was there. It wasn't even that my social battery was burnt. I don't feel the tiredness associated with that. Perhaps I'm only a little tired?

I don't know, but I think I'm settling more into the graduate student lifestyle. You know and can chat with your neighbors, but you're more reserved. It's different from living in an undergrad dorm at least.

Anyways, enough yap. My point is that this again feels like another first time living alone. I text a couple people things, but I'm not really talking to anyone after I retire from the events of the day. A separation between personal and social life. I kind of like it, I suppose. I feel like I have time for personal hobbies like writing here. I honestly can't wait to try this out over a much longer time frame.

The first activity of the night that I'll note is Hot Seat. Everyone takes turns sitting in the "hot seat" and the rest would ask them questions. It was honestly a really good ice breaker activity, and over time, I could feel the connections being formed between people.

We went stargazing at night. Since I was being antisocial, I just walked in silence next to people, half-listening to their conversations, half-consumed in my own thoughts. I had originally wanted to listen to music while I was walking in the dark, but the moment I put in my earbuds, the person next to me tried to start a conversation. I answered kind of dryly but I put away my music. While we were walking, there was a bright light streaking across the night sky. It was the first shooting star that I had ever seen.

One of the people there had mobility restrictions, and when we arrived at the beach, the road entrance was closed. One could walk around it easily if one were able, but wheels don't work so well on sand. We had to do a little bit of pushing around and engineering, but thankfully we got everyone in the parking lot next to the beach. We set up some mats on the sand next to the lot and laid there and looked at the stars.

I haven't seen that many stars in my life, I don't think. Jupiter was the brightest thing in the sky. The only constellation that I identified was Cassiopeia's W shape. Maybe that means something.

Day two: so I came down with some kind of stomach bug or the repercussions of me overeating (happens too often). I woke up and I knew something was not right. I still went to breakfast anyways because I figured that it was probably fine (it was not fine).

The first activity was a movie and discussion. It was about the friendship between the Dalai Lama and Desmond Tutu. Love and understanding and connection despite their very different backgrounds. It's very in line with the goal of the club, so it makes sense that they chose such a movie.

I had to leave partway through to sit in the bathroom in pain, staring at the toilet seat, deciding whether or not I wanted to commit to throwing up. I didn't end up doing so. I ended up missing a group picture or something? But I hung around and participated in the next activity.

We created found poetry from quotes from different spiritual leaders. Many of the random quotes that I first pulled out had the word "make" in them, and so I decided that that was what the theme of my poem was. I'll try to recreate it as best as I can here, but part of the visual aspect of the poem is lost unfortunately.

O Divine Master,

We are made
Instead of allowing him to remake me in his.
for love
of thy peace.
be made glad and peaceful
And what your potential is!
Lord, make me an instrument

is the true goal of human life.

Afterwards was free time for a while, and so I did a lot of laying around in bed, covered in blankets (because it was hella cold), in pain. I'm not particularly upset about this, I suppose. It's gotten me thinking about a lot of things, like what I do in my free time when I don't (can't) have work to do. I ended up watching Valorant Game Changers and falling asleep to that, a little bit of grading and psetting, and then a lot more lounging around, contemplating about the consequences (tummy hella hurty) of my actions (i ate too much).

Eventually, I got up and told the chaplain, who was acting as the supervisor of the entire trip, that I was having stomach problems. She made me ginger tea and offered to buy saltines for both myself and someone else at the retreat who was also dealing with stomach problems (so maybe we both got food poisoning). I sat in pain and tried to do my pset in the lobby.

There was a sunset walk afterwards, and I think walking really helped, paradoxically. I think a lot of the pain was in my head and so chatting with other people took my mind off of it and the pain subsided. We paired off and had more personal conversations. I had a conversation about death and meaning with my partner. It's something that I don't really think about often, and I realize that I should more.

I felt okay enough to eat dinner (I had skipped lunch) and after dinner, we played games, did an activity where we reflected about our emotions, and then watched a movie: Spring, Summer, Fall, Winter, and Spring again.

It's a film with a lot of Buddhism in it, and lessons central to Buddhism. I'm not a big fan of the lessons. It seems to presuppose that anger is an integral part of people, and I don't like that idea as the optimist that I am. That is not to say that there weren't cool parts. I think it's crazy the amount of self-discipline that monks have.

I watched the movie curled up on a couch. I had my layers on and I was still shivering. I also fell asleep for part of the movie lol. It reminds me of my friends back at my dorm: we sleep on the lounge couches all the time.

Anyways, once the movie ended, I took that as a sign to go to sleep, and so I did.

Day three: We left in the morning and got back around 1pm. I had a pset due that night and so I spent the rest of my day working on that.

Everyone seems to have had a lot of fun over retreat. I definitely got a lot of rest and relaxation, but it wasn't the most fun thing that I've done. The conversations were fine, but I didn't really gain too much insight from talking about them. It didn't have as much the life of an undergrad activity, in a sense.

One thing that I was surprised about was how close the entire group got, and I'm happy for it. I suppose I don't have too many thoughts about the entire retreat. I didn't get to do much because of the stomach bug, unfortunately. I was meaning to do tons of writing and reading, but that just didn't happen. Instead, I did a lot of looking at my phone oopsie. I really should get rid of that phone addiction.

Well, one of these days, I'll find the time do more writing.