January 8, 2021•251 words
I feel like I keep misrepresenting my views to people. Not just internet strangers, but to people I actually know really well and who understand me. I defended an ideology that I don't agree with in front of my mother, not because I think it's a good one to follow, but because I thought the criticisms that a guy in a video we were watching together was giving weren't valid. I feel like I seemed closed-minded, rather than just, I don't know, critically thinking.
A similar thing happened a few days ago when I was talking to one of my close friends. I was talking about my (to put it lightly) dislike of certain American political institutions and said things that I guess were interpreted as nihilistic ranting rather than an expression of my feelings. I cleared things up after the two of us discussed some ideological differences that we had, but it's still worrying.
I'm worried that it's how I actually sound when I talk about things by default. I'm worried that I'm not self-aware. Not really sure what to do, other than observe myself a bit, I guess.
(It feels a little strange to put this up on a public blog, but whatever, I'm pretty solidly anon - or rather, pseudon. I'm sure that someone reading this could recognize my writing and connect some of the information I share here, but I have plausible deniability even if they were to find my public journal on some obscure blogging platform.)