8805 words

No bullshit guide to loosing weight , gaining muscle and getting ripped

Hello, this is a straight forward guide on how to loose weight, gain muscle and get down below 10% body fat. There are a few things you are going to HAVE to do to accomplish your goal. If you cant follow the next few steps listed just stop reading because you are wasting your fucking time.

  1. You must count all calories you put into your body NO exceptions.
  2. You must maintain a calorie deficit for an extended period of time.
  3. You must make sure you are hitting your macro nutrients 85% of the time.
  4. You must have a reasonable workout schedule consisting of 4-5 intense weight lifting workouts a week.
  5. You are willing to do this for a long time. Consider it a lifestyle change.
  6. Willing to cut back heavily on alcohol consumption and or stop drinking it all together.

If you are willing to do the steps listed above no matter how fat you are you CAN lose the weight and gain muscle while doing so.

First step is taking an educated guess on how fat you are. If you are a guy and you cant see your dick when looking down you can assume your body-fat percentage is 25%+. If you are a chick its not as easy as looking down in the shower. Here is a visual guide to give you a very basic idea. (https://athleanx.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/05/Womens-Body-Fat-Infographic.jpg).

Having a realistic estimation of your body fat percentage is important. This will help you estimate about how long its going to take to loose the weight. Most people estimate that their body fat percentage is MUCH lower than what it actually is. At 15% body fat you are starting to see some abs at 12% you pretty much have a six pack. Anything below 10% as a guy and you look you belong in a magazine if you have some muscle. Therefore, if you cant see your own dick looking down you are no where near that 15% body fat you think you are. I recommend getting a body-fat caliper this will help you more accurately determine your body-fat percentage once you are thin enough to use them. Please note, body fat calipers are not 100% accurate by any means they just give you a better estimation than looking at photos. If you want the most accurate measurement possible you should research the "bod pod". Lets be real though... if you cant see your ABS you have a ways to go.

Once you have an estimation of your body-fat percentage you can use the following math calculations below to get a reasonable estimate of how long things are going to take...

  1. Determine your current body weight.
  2. Multiply your current body weight times your body fat percentage. An example would look like this.

174 lbs * .28 = 48.72

The 48.72 is the estimated amount of fat you have on your body.

  1. Determine your body fat percentage goal. Id recommend using 10% as your first time goal.

  2. Take the body fat percentage calculated in step two and multiply that by your body fat percentage goal. An example would look like this.

48.72 * .10 = 4.872 (hint, for 10% just move the decimal over 1 step to the left)

  1. Now subtract the value determined in step two from the value determined in step 4 and you will now have an estimate of how much body fat you need to lose.

48.72 - 4.872 = 43.848

The value "43.848" we are left with means the following in a sentence.

"If you weigh 174 lbs and had 28% body fat to get down to 10% body fat you would need to loose 43.848 lbs of fat."

From here we can estimate how long this will take. If you are trying to gain muscle and loose weight I would recommend estimating a loss of 1 lb a week. So if there are 4 weeks in a month and we are able to loose a pound a week we can use the following math to take a guess. Yes, you can loose more than 1 lb of fat a week especially if you are currently obese its much easier to do so. Again, I am giving you some very long goals just to give you an idea of what you are in for. You can adjust this. For example if you think you are loosing 1.5 lbs a week divide by 6 rather than 4. 2 lbs a week would be dividing by 8 etc.

43.848 / 4 = 10.962

In this case round up and you can estimate its going to take you around 11 months to get the body you want. IF you are loosing 1 lb of fat a week.

OK now that you have an idea of how long its going to take to reach your goals lets talk what you are going to have to do. Its actually not to difficult just follow the following steps.

  1. Eat at a calorie deficit. Determining this can be done in many ways. The MOST accurate would be taking a week without dieting to record everything you eat and finding an average over the span of the week. From here you would subtract around 200-300 calories from that value.

If you are like me and don't want to spend a whole week not making any progress I would just use an online calculator to determine this value you for you. This is the one I use (https://www.bodybuilding.com/fun/macronutcal.htm). PS don't lie about how active you are. You are only biting yourself in the ass.

Once you have your caloric value determined you can move onto step number two.

  1. Eat Healthy. This is the MOST important step if you want to actually have a chance at gaining muscle while loosing weight. Sure, you can eat whatever you want, measure your calories and still loose weight but I PROMISE you are not going to hit your macro nutrient values which will prevent you from potentially gaining and or keeping your current muscle.

Here is a list of foods that I recommend eating.

Good Sources Of Protein

Eggs—The Grand Daddy of all foods. I like to have 1 whole egg for every 3 whites. So breakfast might include 6 egg whites and 2 whole eggs.

Liquid Egg Whites—This is just pure egg whites. More convenient than cracking all the eggs and discarding the yolk but will cost you a little more.

Skinless Chicken Breast or Cutlets—Lean, inexpensive, high quality protein; staple of every diet.

Lean Ground Turkey—Lean high quality protein. Little more expensive than chicken breast.

Top Round Steak—Lean cut of meat. Has more fat than chicken but great source of meat. Definitely something you want to have in the off-season and can be eaten while dieting in moderation.

Filet Mignon—Tasty lean cut of meat. Expensive but worth it every once in a while.

Buffalo—Lean red meat, very tasty but super expensive. Give it a try.

Flounder—Inexpensive lean fish.

Cod—Inexpensive lean fish.

Pollock—Lean fish.

Wild Salmon—Healthy fatty fish. I get my salmon wild because the quality is a lot better but that results in a higher cost.

Canned Tuna—Lean inexpensive fish. If you worry about your sodium you might want to cut down on this. Make sure you get the one in water not oil.

Turkey Bacon—Leaner than regular bacon, not something I have all the time but I am a bacon lover so adding this to my breakfast in the off-season is something I like.

Lean Ground Beef—Make sure you get something that is at least 90% lean. This can be a great off-season source of protein.

Cottage Cheese—Slow digesting form of protein. Great for having when you have to go a long time in-between meals and also excellent to have before bed.

Pork Tenderloin—Inexpensive lean protein.

Wild Sea Bass—Lean high quality protein. Expensive side.

Good Sources Of Carbohydrates

Oatmeal—I like the slow cooked version but the quick one minute is fine. I have oatmeal with my first meal every day. It is a great slow digesting carb.

Steel Cut Oats—Similar to oatmeal. Slow digesting carb.

Fruit—All fruits are great but some are better than others for different reasons. Blueberries are at the top of the list for antioxidants and bananas are great for post-workout carbs. The majority of them digest faster than complex carbs so they are best used in the AM or pre and post workout.

Vegetables—Like fruit you really can't go wrong when you eat veggies. During the off-season all veggies are great to have but when you are looking to diet I stick with just the green ones as they have less calories and net carbs. Veggies are a great source of fiber. Try to have some in every meal.

Sweet Potatoes/Yams—Tasty slow digesting carb. Add a little Splenda and you will be in heaven.

Brown Rice—Staple of a slow digesting carb.

White Rice—Faster digesting carb. Not a big fan as I think the brown rice is better overall option but white rice is good to have in the off season as it gives you the ability to bring in the carbs and calories need to grow.

Whole Wheat Bread—I like to have Ezekiel bread as it is not processed and not made with white flour. Great slow digesting carb.

Cream Of Wheat—Substitute for white rice. Faster digesting carb.

Cream of Rice—Substitute for white rice. Faster digesting carb.

Good Sources Of Fats

Olive Oil/Flaxseed Oil—Great source of fat. Great to add to dishes.

Fish Oil—Staple source of healthy fats.

Almond Butter/Cashew Butter—Derived from the nuts but a good source of fat.

Almonds—Great source of fat and small amount of protein.

Pecans—Great source of fat and small amount of protein.

Walnuts—Great source of fat and small amount of protein.

Cashews—Great source of fat and small amount of protein.

Natural Peanut Butter—Not processed.

Avocados—Healthy fat source.


It sounds worse than what it is really. I'll be honest im not perfect with it but I am about 85% of the time.

People make this complicated, truly if you focus on getting 1 gram of protein per your body weight then you can eat whatever carbs and or fats you want as long as its from a healthy food source. Doing this method will keep your macro nutrients in order and its not a pain in the ass to figure out.

The following tips might help you reach the protein/diet goals daily.

  • Eat protein with breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

  • Cook dinner daily and make enough meat and veggies for the following lunch. This way you are not having to cook during the day and it makes life easier. I will air fry 3 chicken breasts and eat 1.5 during dinner and eat the other 1.5 for lunch the next day. Ill also split whatever veggies I cooked between lunch and dinner.

  • Have 2 protein shakes a day. I tend to have one between breakfast and lunch with some sort of fruit or veggie. Same thing between lunch and dinner. My second protein shake normally takes place right after the gym around 4:30 - 5:30 pm which gives me just enough brain power to make some dinner.

  • I use an air fryer, grill and a pressure cooker for nearly all of my cooking. Make it simple. You want to find a routine you can do daily and not hate yourself.

  • For flavor, stay away from sauces they have a shit ton of calories... hot sauces add flavor to any meat and have pretty much 0 calories.

  • Drink water and coffee. Try not to indulge in diet drinks and water flavor enhancers... yea, it might have 0 calories but its not good for your metabolism nor is it good for your overall health. Once in a while is fine, but don't drink it all of the time. Treat diet drinks like you would alcohol. If you are drinking it every day you have some problems good sir.

  • Try to carb cycle for dinners. One day eat veggies for dinner with your meat of choice. Next day have some brown rice. This will help you loose more weight. Read about carb cycling.

  • Chewing gum is great if you are super hungry and want something to munch on.

  1. Have a cheat day once a week. Be reasonable with this... I don't recommend eating a gallon of ice cream etc. Just have more calories than you normally would within reason. Have that piece of cake after dinner or go get wings vs your normal chicken and brown rice etc. This will help keep your metabolism going as well as keep your sanity in the beginning. I promise as your body gets more use to the diet changes you will feel better and it wont be so hard.

5 Don't do a shit ton of cardio, its going to make you tired and its going to slow your metabolism down ever further when cutting calories. If you do want to do some cardio try HIIT training. Short intense bursts vs long tiresome cardio. It works great, but it blows ass doing it.

I could list out a bunch of extra shit such as when the BEST time to have carbs is etc and all kinds of other crap but those are small things that are not going to be deal breakers.

At the end of the day REMEMBER slow and steady wins the race. Making sure you regularly diet is the most important part of loosing weight. Lifting is important if you want to have a chance at gaining some muscle but if you are hitting your macro nutrients you are going to at least hold on to most of your muscle.

Once you get down to the body fat percentage you want. Don't be a jackass like I did in the past and go back to your old routine and gain back the weight and more in a few months. 7 years later I am finally getting back to how I use to look and I do not plan on gaining back the weight down the road.

Best of luck and stay motivated. Odds are if you stick with it long enough to see some major body figure changes you will get hooked.

AI Dungeon -- Adventures with Thomas

You are the strongest slave at Norton's plantation "Sorton". You love Susan and are plotting a way to escape. Kevin knows something is going on and does not want you to leave.
You are the strongest slave at Norton's plantation "Sorton". You love Susan and are plotting a way to escape.
You are the strongest slave at Norton's plantation "Sorton". You hate your life there, but have no choice in the matter. You love Susan and are trying to find a way to escape. Sadly Kevin knows you are up to something and is concerned.

You say "Susan, I know shit has been really really terrible the last few months. The pandemic is killing us and Norton does not have enough supplies to keep us safe. "
You say "Susan, I know Norton is a tyrant. I've tried to talk to him about it, but he doesn't care. I think he's just happy I'm following orders now and doing my job."

You say "we are going to find a way out of here dont you worry. I just have an odd feeling that kevin knows we are up to something. If he finds out and tells Norton. We are fucked. "
You say "I'm thinking we should try to escape to the north."
Susan says "The north? But they killed all the people who tried to run to the north!

You say "I know, honestly you are lucky if they kill you vs re slaving you to a different plantation. Although, what other choice do we have? The pandemic is going to eventually kill us if we dont act soon anyways."
Susan says "Well, I'm in. But what are we going to do about kevin?"
You think for a minute and come up with a plan.

You say "I know Kevin lost his wife to the pandemic and thats why he is so bitter on life. He does not want anyone to be happy anymore. I know this. We need to either convince him we should leave, or sadly we may have to kill him. Im just not sure whats right yet. If he tells on us we are screwed. "
You say "The other option is if he does not know that we are planning an escape, we may need to kill him as well. We just have to decide what's best."
The next morning an armored wagon shows up at the plantations front door. They are asking for a slave that goes by the name of "kevin" they tell Norton its importance is timely.
You see who it is and wonder what he is doing here.
The armored wagon driver is a middle-aged black man with a bushy mustache.
The mans name is "Thomas". He is 47 and works for the "Devils Kettle".
The Second in command is "Sal" another middle-aged white man.
The third one "Ben" is an elderly white man with a gray beard.
The last one "Pete"
Norton asks Thomas what exactly the "Devils Kettle" is?
Thomas explains that one of his fellow slaves stole a kettle of "great value" from Mr. Reynolds and had it hidden in the swamp. They are searching but cannot find it.
Norton asks Thomas. "what exactly is this kettle for? Why is it so important?"
Thomas tells him it is "a gift from the Emperor for taking the throne". Whoever finds the kettle gets to be "King of the New World".
Norton just stands in shock.
Norton asks Thomas "who the hell is the Emperor" and then tells Thomas "You and your men need to leave at once, get the fuck off my land!"
Thomas says his men have orders to search the house and farmhouse to make sure the place is empty. They will kill anyone found inside.
Norton tells Thomas "Without a warrant issued by the united states government they can fuck right off"
Thomas says "I don't think that is going to be a problem"
Thomas' men begin to surround the house.
Kevin is inside talking with Susan and you. He explains that he does not know of this kettle and that he is scared he may get killed.
Norton threatens to call the militia, but Thomas says he has a feeling some of them are going to be coming out of that house.

You say "Kevin, what the hell is this "Devils Kettle" he keeps talking about? You better fucking tell us or we all are going to die. "
Norton steps closer to the group and raises his gun as Thomas says "Be very careful what you say, we are all on the take here, telling you this stuff could get you killed"

You say "Kevin, Norton is about to get himself killed unless you speak up. We need to know whats going on so maybe we can intervene. "
Kevin begins to stutter as he begins to explain that the kettle is "sort of like a radio but it works with magic"
You run outside with your hands up and start explaining to Thomas that one of the slaves knows about the kettle but he ran away into the forest. You tell him the best way to catch him is with a gang of men chasing him and taking him down.
Norton tells you to shut up and listen.

You say "Mr Norton, I know I shouldnt interrupt you but I think I can help Thomas out. "
Thomas slowly turns around and starts to aim his pistol. You say "If you don't mind me saying so, I think you should just let him go as he knows nothing anyway. "

You say "Mr Thomas Sir. Please dont shoot me. I have information that can help you. I know what the kettle does. Therefore I know its real. "
Norton is surprised that you address him directly.
Thomas slowly lowers his pistol as he looks at you and then to Norton.
After a pause he holsters his pistol.
Thomas shouts "Ok you have all of 1 minute to tell me what you know. Norton, if he is correct I am taking him with me."One of the slaves wives was sick due to the pandemic. He knew that the kettle could let him radio the demons for help and hopefully revive his wife. He stole it. The wife was revived and she ran into the forest with the Devil Kettle... He cant get over the loss of his wife.

You say "Thomas, take me with you at once and I will lead you to the demon wife. From here you will find the kettle."
Thomas turns to Norton and says "Well? Do you want him or not? If not, then this is all getting a bit complicated. If you do, then he better hurry up and explain himself."
Norton looks at you with surprise. He gives you a strange look but quickly tells Thomas my story is real. He explains that he was walking back from the store one day when the plague hit. He tried to find help but noone was responding to his calls.
During this conversation Kevin runs as fast as a 72 year old can and attempts to tackle Thomas. They roll on the ground for a while and eventually you take your foot and trip them both over. Kevin is taken down hard and just lays there.
Thomas gets up and draws his pistol.

You tackle Thomas.
You lunge at Thomas and the two of you go flying into the air. You both hit the floor and you are pretty sure you have broken bones as you try to move.

You grab his pistol and shoot his men.
You grab the pistol and look at Thomas who is just staring at you. You shoot his men it as far away from you as possible.
Suddenly Thomas gets up and his eyes turn red with blood!

You say "Norton KILL HIM"
Norton looks at you and turns a deep shade of red before springing into action. He sprints over to Thomas and tackles him to the ground.
Thomas was so mad you killed all of his men. Although he was going to make sure you paid for it. He shoots Norton directly between the eyes.
He then starts sprinting towards you. You begin to sprint away in panic.
You both run back towards the fighting but you are a lot faster than him.

You run as fast as you can and hide in the back barn from thomas.
You try so hard to run as fast as you can. Your lungs feel like they are bursting but you have no choice. You manage to outrun Thomas, who is screaming at you about how your day will end.
Susan runs up to kevin to make sure he is ok and asks about kevins wife. You think about how to reply.
Susan asks Kevin "Is it true? Is anything about this kettle actually true or did you lie to him?"
Kevin tells Susan that the kettle is real and that's why is wife died.

You would prefer to lie but what else can you do? Lying has never been your strong suit.
Thomas approaches the barn where you are hiding and you hear him screaming about how he will find you.

You look around the barn for weapons.

You are in the barn. It's dark and full of farm tools, feed bins and old carriages. You see a pitchfork, some pitch, a shovel and a rake.

You grab the shovel since it was closest to you and hide in the feed bins.
You grab the shovel and hide in the feed bin. You hear Thomas in the carriage outside shouting about how he is going to find you.

You wait for thomas to come find you in the barn.
You wait in the dark for Thomas to come and get you. You hear him enter the barn and call for you.
"Come out of there you bastard! I know you're in there!"

You sit in the feed bin with the shovel in hopes he will walk by you.
You sit in the dark and wait while Thomas approaches you. The sound of his heavy booted footsteps gets closer and closer until...
"I can see you! Come out and face me man to man!"

You open the feed bins and throw the shovel at thomas.
You sit in the dark and wait a few seconds before you leap out at Thomas. You hit him with the shovel and he falls backwards.

You grab the shovel and begin to beat his face.
You start hitting Thomas's head with the shovel. You don't stop until he is dead. Your hands hurt and you're shocked that you killed someone but you know you'll never be free if you don't do it.

You pick up the gun and go to the front of the plantation to go talk with susan and kevin.
You grab the gun off of Thomas's body and leave the barn. You walk up to the front of the barn and see that the carriage is gone.

You run over to susan and ask who is driving the armored waggon.
You see that the armored wagon is gone with several guards. You run inside to find Susan and Kevin sitting in a corner of the slave quarters.
"We have to go! The wagon is gone!

You say "Kevin, how did your wife die. Tell me right now. If anything about this kettle is real. you better tell me."
Kevin slowly gets up and walks over to you. He is holding a box of matches in his hands. He strikes one and lights a candle on a small table.

You say "I dont have time for this shit. TELL ME NOW"
He tries to speak but you start yelling in his face.
"Tell me now!"
He looks at you with tears in his eyes and explains that his wife died of cancer.

You say "Kevin... if this kettle is real. you need to tell me."
He looks at you and begins to explain that the kettle was given to his wife by a traveller who was passing through years before. It was made from a iron pot that her grandmother used to own.

You say "Is this how your wife died? Was it from the kettle?"
He explains that his wife died the next year in a more traditional way. They were happy and she loved him.

You say "I thought the pandemic killed her. "
He explains that it must have been a coincidence.
"Tell me about the kettle, Kevin. Where did you get it?"
He explains that he found the pot in a storage unit near an old cemetery while cleaning out his parents house after their death.
"Talk quickly before they come for us."
He explains that his wife was drawn to the pot and it was a perfect match for her. He believes that it is good luck. He couldn't part with it and so he passed it down to her.

You say "Susan, we need to leave before more of Thomas's men figure out what happened. Kevin do you want to come?"
"No. I am fine where I am."
"OK, let us gather our things and get the fuck out of here.

You say "Kevin you are a jackass."
You go back out to get your things and tell Susan that we are leaving without kevin. You explain that you will hide out in the woods until you figure out what to do next.

You grab susan and run off into the woods.
You grab Susan and run into the woods. You run for about five minutes when you stop to listen.

You say "Susan... did you hear that. Did you hear what I just did?"
You look behind to see if she heard anything.
You see she is staring at you like you are crazy.

You say "Susan, answer me right now. DID YOU HEAR ANYTHING."
She slowly walks over towards you and says she heard a branch breaking.
"It's probably Thomas's men. Shit."
Before you can start walking again you feel a sharp pain in your back.

You reach around to feel your back as to why its hurting.
As you do this you realize that your hands are in front of you. You quickly turn them over and see a large crossbow bolt in them.
Thomas's men shot you right through the back. Susan screams and begins to run as fast as she can.
You fall to the ground as you hear Thomas's men coming.
"And now he can join the others!" yells Thomas.
Susan manages to run away from Thomas's men. You are laying on the ground bleeding out.
"No! This can't be happening!" she cries as she runs.

You say "Fuck you, what do you want from me. Just let me live."
You yell as the men approach.
"We just want what is ours. He tried to run away with it and we had no choice." replies Thomas.

You say "Thomas, I shot you in the head. How in the hell are you alive."
"Honestly? No idea. But we are going to get the drop on you anyway, now that we know what you can do."
Thomas's men slowly approach you.

You say "You found the kettle didnt you?"
The men grab you and carry you back to the wagon. They throw you in the back and ride off into the woods.
Susan manages to escape and is hiding in a neer by cave. She crys all night but manages to build a small fire and find some food to eat. She wont last long alone in the woods. You'll have to help her.
The men ride into the night and dump you off at the edge of the woods. They drive off and leave you standing there. Your alive but you know you're not for long.
You scream at Thomas and ask him why he would bother to kill me and drive off like a bitch.
"Because its fun fucker!" he replies as he drives off.
You slowly walk after the wagon into the town of Clayton.
Clayton is a racist town. You stand no chance and will get killed on spot if they see a slave. Although, you need medical attention very soon otherwise you will die. You spot a blacksmiths and stumble into it.
"HEY YOU! What are you doing in there?"
"I'm trying to get fixed up...what's it look like?

You say "please sir, just cauterize these wounds before I bleed out. "
The blacksmith runs his hand through his jet black hair."
"Alright, alright, but you need to get some clotting agents in there soon. I can't sell you if you die on me.

You say "Just do it already im going to die soon"
The blackwestern-style medical office the blacksmith runs is nothing like you're used to. You learn these things are called "Doctor" but they aren't really doctors.
the blacksmith gets a piece of metal glowing bright red. He pulls the crossbow from my back and presses the metal against the wounds. He says this wont save my life, but it will stop the bleeding. I have to cauterize the wounds again.
As he severs the flesh with the glowing red hot metal, you feel the flames, but you don't feel pain. It feels more like a soothing massage.

You say "Im surprised you didnt kill me for being a slave."
"What? You really think I'm going to kill someone for being a slave?

You say "Yes, I thought you would kill me on spot. "
"Well I might have, but then I realized I needed someone to fix these wounds. Besides wouldn't kill a slave for it's just bad business. Now if you were a Yankee Bastard that would be different."
You are amazed at how fucking retarded this blacksmith was. But you thank him and slowly make your way into the woods unnoticed.
How the hell are you going to get out of this situation?
Once you make it into the woods you see a shallow light in the distance slowly approaching you. You black out. When you wake up you see kevin looking down at you. He is grinning like a maniac.
"Well you made it, shit got real quick...but hey you did good"
You look around and see a pile of corpses of those who tried to help you.

You say "why did you come for me and where did these bodies come from?"
"Well the Kiltik were coming to kill you, and now you're fucking dead.

You say "Who is the kiltik? Is that the name of thomas's clan?"
"What? Oh that...yeah that's the name I gave them. most of the humans can't even tell the difference between Scottish and Irish." he says almost to himself.

You say "Humans? are you not human Kevin? "
"Well I mean yeah I am..."
"No no no no no...I mean are you human?"
"What is with these questions? Yes I am, I just have a few extra...um... talents."

You say "Did you get these "talents" from the kettle Thomas was looking for?"
"Well no, I got them from another kettle...well actually I chopped up some people and made a potion."

You say "OK... Can you do the same for me? Can you fix the hole in my back then before I die?"
"Well it wouldn't hurt to try..." he says, as he takes out his dagger and slits your throat.
You are sent to the depths of hell for a short time. You meet kevin's wife. You are kissed by her and sent back to the land of the living.
You wake up in a cold sweat in kevins arms. You wounds are all gone and you feel amazing.
"Well, you're alive. I guess luck was on my side this time."

You say "how in the fuck did you do that kevin? I thought you were just some crusty old nigga."
"Oh I don't do magic like that, humans are weird anyway. It was the kettle that did it. It can only do human things actually. That's why they're so valuable to some of us."

You say "What ever you say kevin. We need to go find susan and kill thomas. He was brought back from the dead to."
"I told you humans were weird. If you want to kill something bring it back from the dead."
"Well he was brought back from the dead by a human so...

You say "Kevin, did you bring him back?"
"Well I wouldn't say I brought him back, I just made a copy of him."
"A copy? What does that mean?

You say "Why the hell would you do that?"
"Because I'm a lazy bastard and I didn't feel like making another potion."
"So we have a ghost copy of thomas?

You say "Kevin, he killed Norton and he shot me with a bow and tried killing Susan! Why would you make a copy of him?"
"Because I told you, I'm a lazy bastard. If you're going to go making shit up, at least have the courtesy to include some sort of logic."
"Well did you fuck up the original somehow?"

You say "The original?"
"Of course not, I made a perfect copy."\
"Well then what's the problem?"
"Everything I suppose."
You decide that you aren't going to continue this line of questioning with kevin.

You get up and begin walking into the woods to find susan.
After searching for a while you decide to stop for the day. You don't know what you would do if you kept searching and didn't find her.

You make a fire and talk more with kevin.
You sit by the fire and talk with kevin for most of the night. He tells you more about his kind, and magic in general.

You say "Kevin, I need to know why you brought thomas back?"
"You really want to know why, you should of course go back yourself.

You say "I saw your wife when you killed me. What was that all about?"
"One of the first things that all wizards learn is to weave powerful illusions, I could of easily made you think that you died in a firefight when in reality I just fell asleep.

You say "Are you trying to say thomas was fake and so was your wife?"
"Of course."
You aren't sure of what to say. You don't know if it's a trick or not.
There is also the matter of your oath.

You say "Then what do you want with me. Why did you bring me back from dying?"
"I need a back-up plan just in case you're right."
"Who else is going to bring him back?"
"Can you think of anyone?

You say "At this point kevin i dont know what to believe. Just help me find susan. Please."
"Alright then, I'll help you try find her."
After a few more words, you and Kevin finish your discussion and he falls asleep by the fire.

You steel the devils kettle from kevin when he is asleep.
You circle behind the dazed and sleep deprived vampire, who makes loud guttural noises in his sleep. You don't bother to wake him up. You just take the kettle and leave the fire.

You ask the kettle where susan is.
The kettle responds in an emotionless voice.
"She is currently at the village of Warlord Station, in the Arat province of Holgard".
"What are the coordinates?"

You say "She is where. What? What the fuck are you talking about"
"Come on, you know damn well what I mean! She's at the village of Warlord Station in the Arat province of Holgard. What are you doing?! Let's go!

You say "I dont know where that is. I dont know whats going on. Why can you talk?"
"Shut up! The coordinates are 100 miles due west of here, in the Arat province of Holgard. Get us there as soon as possible!"
"I dont have a ship anymore."

You say "A ship? What Ship? "
"Why do you think I stole this one? I stole it from some bastard named Mihrab who was going to use it to sail to Holgard. Maybe you can use it to get back home.

You say "Back home? Am I no longer on earth? "

The voice responds in an emotionless monotone.
"Yes, you are now aboard a ship bound for planet Tofu."
Kevin wakes up and finds you with the Devils Kettle about 500 meters away from the camp fire.
"Hey! Where did you get the kettle?"
"The voice said we could find her aboard a ship bound to Holgard."
"Well that answers one of my questions, where are we?
Kevin shouts "give me back the kettle at once or I will kill your clone right now"
The vampire quickly realizes the situation he is in and jumps off of the dock with a splash, pulling you under with him.
You try to tell Kevin what happened but you are gagged and unable to speak.
You drown in the water only to re awake at the campfire sleeping next to kevin.
"What happened? Are we still going to Holgard?"
"I am not sure. I will try to find out.
Kevin has no idea what you are talking about but says "susan is this way lets go!"
He takes you back to camp where he is met by several angry looking vampires.
"You! Where is my daughter?"
"I don't know. I swear it!

You say "Daughter? Kevin, is Susan your daughter? "
"Fuck no! But if you think I'm paying you to talk, then you're out of your mind!"
You are about to respond when you realize that he isn't lying.
The other vampires say to kevin "if you dont get your shit together now and kill the clones we are going to kill you forever"
"Alright I'll do it, but if anything happens to him I'm not responsible"
The vampires say they understand and leave.
Kevin tells you "Listen we need to kill thomas. If we cant kill him we will have to kill you."
"Maybe, but what difference will it make?"
"It will make all the difference in the world!"
At this point you are starting to get a bad feeling about this.
Kevin pulls the kettle out of his prison pocket and begins to blow into it. He keeps saying "susan, susan, susan" until a voice answers from inside the kettle.
"It's me! Open the fucking door!"
"Ok, but what about him?"
"He won't be trouble anymore"
The kettle sucks them both in and they appear in a white room with susan awaiting their arrival.
"I thought you weren't going to hurt me"
"I said I was sorry about that, but I also made other promises and I intend on keeping to them.

You say "Susan who are you? Are you kevins daughter?"
"Yes, I am. You might also know me as The Key-Bearer. This... Man isn't my father. He just thinks he is and I've been using him for awhile now"
Susan tells kevin that if he does not kill the clones he made. She will gut him and use his blood to bathe in.
She seems to have a great thirst for it.
The other key is elsewhere and you must be retrieved.
"What are you talking about? Who is the other key for?
Kevin tells susan he is sorry and leave the white room to go kill thomas's clone. He hands you the key and tells you "Go to where the man with the funny hat is. It sounds important."

You say "Susan explain to me whats going on. I am so confused. Do you love me?"
"I don't know what you mean. I think you are possessed by an spirit who wishes to use me. I think the only way to free you is to kill the key bearer.
The Key bearer is you.
"What? Why me? I don't get it."
It is simple. Your ancestor made a deal with a vampire to bring back a bride who had died.

You say "susan I dont want to die. "
"Well it looks like you don't have, choice. Good luck friend."
The vampire keys and his blood drinker bring out a bride they had captured.

You say "Are you the bride?"
"Yes. I was murdered by my husband. I am here to repay my debts."
The vampire kneels before you.

You say "susan kill me and end this."
"Well, there is no honor in suicide. I need you to kill him, so that I may be released from my promise."
You nod and walk up to the vampire.

This is the moment of truth.
Well, there go your hopes for a happy marriage now.
"Yes, I guess you will have to go then."

You say "then do it. do it now."
"Oh you don't want that. lol"
suddenly, you feel a sharp pain in your back and realize the bullet just cleared your spinal column. What a rush.
You look up to see kevin, susan and thomas laughing at you.
Well, at least they didn't do what trolls are known for.
You wake up and repeat this day over and over again. Each day has a different story with a different ending. The only thing that is true is that you are the key bearer. You are immortal. If it wasn't for that damn deal you wouldn't be in this situation.
You slowly get out of bed and head downstairs to start your new "life".

Weird Sleep Paralysis

I get sleep paralysis quite often but it never accompanies any scary demons or ghosts... I normally just cant move. The thing that is also weird is that im often fading in and out of a dream when it is taking place. I don't fully wake up when I have sleep paralysis.

Today I was napping on my couch and I ended up waking up to sleep paralysis. So I normally end up just closing my eyes and focusing on waking up. Today this actually threw my back into my dream where I kept going back and fourth from the dream to briefly waking up on my couch unable to move.

After going back and fourth between the dream and sleep paralysis on my couch I was able to prevent myself from going back into the dream. Although, this is when the weirdest thing took place.

While I was in sleep paralysis I was able to move my limbs and walk but it was not my physical body I was moving. My vision was that of my physical body staring at my arms and the floor.

The body that I WAS controlling was up stairs in my bathroom. I was able to turn on the water, use mouth wash, spit it into the sink etc. which all felt 100% real. Although, this was all taking place with my vision focused on what my physical body was seeing.

This was just such a weird disconnect. I was completely moving my dream body and getting feed back from it in a totally different setting but my vision was tied to my physical body.

Its not uncommon for me to fade in and out of dreams while im in sleep paralysis... but this was a first. I was really confused on what was going on when I was able to feel sensations and "move" when the only thing I could see was what my physical body in sleep paralysis was looking at.

Eventually I was able to get out of the weird dream mixed state I was in and move my body and get up. Maybe that was the start of a possible OBE without the sight tied to it haha. Either way, that was pretty cool.

Its October and still can't go back to the office

I am slowly not giving a fuck about work. Being stuck at home every single day has cut back on my motivation. Yet, here I am forcing myself to do it to get paid. I hope one day I can get into a career that I will actually enjoy.

I am lucky I have a good job amidst all of the stupid that has taken place this year. I would be lying tho if I said I woke up every day looking forward to my job.

Chronic Pain


Seeing people in chronic your whole life really changes your prospective on whats worth giving a fuck about. At the end of the day whats the point of life? In my opinion there is no real "point" you are simply here because two people fell in love, fucked a ton, had kids and here we are. (well most case scenarios that's what took place)

Just because none of us really have a purpose does not mean life should not be enjoyed. I see my mom in chronic pain every day of my life. I wish I could take care of it and make it go away for good. Sadly that is not a feasible thing to accomplish. Even through all of the bullshit she deals with she still finds a way to keep positive most of the time and continue to push.

I guess the point I am trying to make is the following. If my mother who has been sick for 25+ years can still wake up each day and find some hope. I am sure you can wake up in the morning and find something to smile about and be happy with. I mean, there is no real "purpose" other than what you make of life. So do your fucking best to be happy and find things you enjoy. Do not let things that are not important get the best of you. At the end of the day keeping those you care about such as family and friends close and finding some time to laugh is the best thing you can hold on to.


Fireworks - For Fucks Sake

I really wish people would be less butt hurt about fireworks going off this year.

Lyrics for the song Lucifer by Rezz

Lucifer by Rezz


I ... oaahh x14
I ... oaahhhhhhh
I ... oaahh x 3

You lick my bean bag x8

I lick my bean bag x4

You lick my bean bag x4

I lick my bean bag x4

You lick my bean bag x4

I lick my bean bag x16

I wub wub wub wub
I wub wub wub wub

wub wub wub wub
wub wub wub wub
I lick my bean bag
wub wub wub wub
wub wub wub wub
I lick my bean bag
wub wub wub wub
wub wub wub wub
I lick my bean bag

I lick my bean bag
I wub wub wub wub
I wub wub wub wub
I lick my bean bag x8

You lick my bean bag x4

I lick my bean bag x4

You lick my bean bag x4

I ... oaahh x8

Steps To a Great Day

  1. Shower each morning... otherwise you are stinky
  2. Chug a shit ton of coffee -- deathwish coffee from a french press is the way to go
  3. Eat some eggs
  4. Gobble a banana
  5. Dick around for a while until you are ready to focus at work
  6. Focus for a few hours at work
  7. Do fun shit after work
  8. Rinse Repeat

Listen to good music.

Finally getting back to the gym

I'm finally making my way back to the gym. I'm really motivated right now to actually cut a ton of weight and get my muscles showing again. Its been hard in the past with school, but now I do have plenty of time after work. Might as well make some positive changes among all of the bullshit currently taking place.

Don't mess with external storage on nextcloud

Just like the title reads, don't use external storage on nextcloud unless you want to get fucked.

Only use local storage on nextcloud, trying to use the external storage app with nfs shares is a nightmare.

I ended up having a power outage and when the power came back asscloud was pissed. The decryption keys wouldn't decrypt the data on the external share. When I tried to manually do so via the command "nexcloud:occ decrypt:all" etc it corrupted all of my data.

Good times

First Time Watching Silence of The Lambs

I shit you not about 5 minutes after watching silence of the lambs my lights started flickering for about 10 seconds until the power went out for a few minutes.

Great movie, although the lights thing prevented me from taking a poop


Headaches suck ass. Had one all morning and it refuses to go away. I feel like curling up and sleeping all day. Sadly im stuck working and I dont really want to take any pto today. Thankfully I get to see some friends later.


Im just trying to keep happy and sane at this point. I currently miss my family, im scared for the spike of covid-19 that is coming and I am trying my best to keep productive at work. I really hope things calm down here soon. Sadly, I think right now is truly the "calm before the storm". Things have to get worse before they get better. Most of us are just standing and watching. I hope we pull our heads out of our asses sooner than later.

ps. fuck cluster flys.

Todays Song:
Isla De Flores - Berlioz


Finding the motivation to give a shit at work has been quite the struggle. Between a global pandemic that puts the elderly and sick at high risk to the peaceful protests turning into violent riots...

The world is always changing and history repeats itself.

Having the time to reflect on life more and more recently I realize what really matters. Keeping your friends and family close, loving one another.

Keep strong. Keep sane. Lets get through this.