Note 70

I think that I'll end up in medicine to be quite honest. It's going too well and too easily along this path that I don't think I'll be able to continue in computer science or video games.

WHICH FUCKING BLOWS.

Medicine, especially surgery which I plan on going into, is decades long. As it stands I expect the next 15 years to essentially just be studying and learning while making fuck all. I don't want to nor have the drive to live like that. I could give a shit that it's coming easily to me. That's not how I want to live at this current time.

I want to be free to play games. To keep up with esports and the whole gaming world. I want to be able to enjoy my hobbies. Quite frankly if I pursue medicine I won't be able to do that. And that's fucking scary.

Well, I suppose there could always be worse problems lol. But truly, I don't really want to spend another 16 years just studying and not being able to live a more laid back life. I really just can't.

At least not now. I feel like I haven't accomplished or reached anything that I want. And that's an attractive part of computer science/gaming. There's no real path, so you have to make your own through your own efforts. Medicine is a lot easier. The path is basically set for you, you just need to put in the effort to follow it through. Studying is so fucking easy. It's honestly just boring. Truly. Yes it feels good to get good grades but holy fuck it's like playing a single player game with cheats on. You're just left feeling empty. Because even if the material changes you can still study in the same way and still get an A. Which is my way of coping that I didn't get straight A's. But honestly I do truly believe this. If you're actually studying some material and you cannot get an A, then you should just give up.

I just want to make it on my own terms. I wish it just wasn't so fucking difficult to do so right now. Because once I start medicine I can't really turn back. So honestly I don't know.

I wish it wasn't so hard.