Note 69

yeah honestly i sound like a pretentious asshole every time i write something here that's supposed to be a realization or some other bullshit.

To be quite frank, I have no idea what the fuck I'm doing. I KNOW. FOR. A. FACT. that I could succeed in whatever field I choose. I genuinely believe this in the core of my being. It's just getting there that I'm truly struggling with. I won't lie, the unstructured, shot in the dark feeling that I get from trying to pursue a job in computer science or ai/machine learning is genuinely so frustrating. There really is no right answer.

I watched a video from NeetCode who creates problems to coding questions that are typically asked in interviews. He describes a current issue with CS graduates that they're not naturally solving or working on problems alone before asking for help. I know I don't do this from first hand experience in my last job. I genuinely gave it a good effort before turning to someone else for help UNLESS they're explicitly offering assistance as they're working on something else.

It's just so frustrating because how can you even demonstrate that? Maybe it's something to do with the fact that I don't really work on anything. But honestly I just feel like that's not really such a big deal. I know I can do my job properly AND well. I just don't really want to work on something outside of working hours. I just want to do my work, then go home. I don't want to keep coding when I don't need to. It's not like I don't have an interest in it, I just prefer having a separation.

And then because of my mother, I still get pushes to work on getting into medical school. Which I won't deny is relatively appealing simply because of the fact that the road is relatively straightforward and honestly only requires you to just study. Like truly if you study enough you can just become a doctor.

Which is why it's so frustrating that getting a job as a software engineer is so hard for me. It's an endless cycle of creating and starting from scratch which honestly I'm not that good at. I'd LIKE to get good at it because I think it's something that will benefit me to learn. But holy fuck is it a struggle. Maybe it's adhd. Maybe it's autism. Maybe it's just me being lazy. Maybe it's all of the above. Of course not to self diagnose because that's frowned upon (although I'd like to say I have shown similar signs).

Honestly it's just really frustrating and it definitely doesn't feel good that I feel so far behind my peers. I know that's why my mother is pushing for medicine because at least it's a path forward than just continuing to wallow wherever I am. But I'm not sure how to fix it. Maybe I just have to put myself in a situation where I HAVE to succeed as there is no other option.