Note 68

After some more self reflection, and a couple of deleted entries, I think I've narrowed the field down a bit. I do think that right now I'm struggling to know what exactly I'm actually interested in. Well yes and no. I think that there are things that I am clearly interested in, however I think what I've done is narrow down what exactly is the thing, WITHIN the thing that I like, that actually makes me enjoy it. And I think the answer to that is that even in competitive environments or jobs or in the experiences in this life that I've had the most enjoyment is where I was able to do things together. And not just companionship/community, but to do something together to achieve some common or higher goal. I've noticed that if there isn't this sense of urgency to achieve this higher level thing, whether that's winning some competition or building some product, then I'm no longer quite interested. What I noticed at my last job is that when the end goal becomes obfuscated and we start to lose our way, that is also a point at which I start to lose interest. Bit of a tangent but good leadership should recognize when the ship is starting to veer off course. And if it is, determining what needs to happen to right it, or make the decision that this new course is going to be the one that we move towards.

So, where does that leave me?

I think that medicine is probably not the entirely correct answer. I think it's a good stop gap, and may possibly fill that gap, however I have genuinely 0 idea how much collaboration there actually is in this job. I won't lie, I don't like collaborating all the time. I'd like the ability to go chase my own ideas at times. However, if there isn't some base level of collaboration and working together with the same vision in mind, I don't think I'll enjoy it. I am completely unfamiliar with the field of medicine to be quite frank. I have never worked in a hospital so I can't really say I understand what it's like.

What I am familiar with is software teams. And I think I understand the dynamics well enough now that if I feel that a certain work environment isn't working out for me, I know what to look for.

I have come to the conclusion that it isn't really the content that bothers me. It's the work environment that I'm more interested in. I think one of the best parts about sports or teams that compete is that learning happens together. Even as a coach I would still learn things about the game and how to improve the team. There wasn't a single day that I wasn't learning something new. I think this is a pretty important thing to think about because I could see more immediate feedback, and even in the learning process I could see it. Which is probably why I like video games so much. Getting immediate feedback is a good dopamine hit. But it also is a more direct reason to either continue doing the things that I'm doing or to change my approach. It's honestly quite interesting. Which is why in a perfect world I'd be getting paid an absurd amount of money and just coach video games or sports in general. However I think that at this current stage it's more of a passion thing. So I'll need to figure out the other parts of my life before I feel comfortable returning to it.

I suppose I feel better now that I understand this part of myself. It was a good realization. I'm honestly not really sure how to go about it from here though. The journey to getting a job is a very arduous and lonely one. It's myself who needs the job, not anyone else. And everyone else is technically competition. So that part I'm not really sure. But once I actually get the job I think I have a pretty good plan in place.