Note 67

Maybe it's because I'm up at 4am, but I'm honestly blanking on an answer of what I truly want to do. I don't really know what my goals or ambitions are. I don't have anything significant I want to achieve. I don't have any lofty goals or dreams. Everything just seems so gray to me. And that's really worrying.

Is there something wrong with me? Why don't I have the same level of ambition or drive that other people have? How do other people, normal people, decide what they want to pursue? Why is this so hard for me? Why is it that even the things that I SHOULD love, and SHOULD be giving everything to pursue, I just can't? Why is it so difficult for me?

It's not that I feel a sense of unfairness. I recognize that everyone has struggles that they're dealing with and this is mine. I just feel like this feeling gets so invalidated by those around me because it's simply not something that is understandable by them. Which I suppose makes sense growing up in a stereotypical Asian American household.

Maybe seeing a therapist would help.