Note 73

So, a turn for the better. I've recently interviewed for a company and it all seems to be going very well. I'm hoping that when I go into work tomorrow, that I'll see a positive email in my inbox. Deep down, I don't know if I'll actually be happy working this job but at this point anything is better than nothing. But, I feel good about the outcome. I think I'll finally be able to close this rough chapter of my life. If I end up getting this new software dev position it'll have been through my current job, so I would be truly thankful for the experience that I've had here. I truly don't think I'll be able to find a similar group of people again. I am very grateful for having had this opportunity to meet the people that I have.

Assuming that I have gotten this job, knock on wood, I think I still need to figure out what I'd like to aim for. I also have an interview set up to work as a SWE at a prop trading shop. I'm actually quite excited at the prospect of working there. If I'm able to land that role, I'd like to continue working in trading, as I think that world is very interesting and hits a lot of the attributes that I'd like to get out of my work. I don't know if I'd like to do the engineering the whole time, but it's definitely a good first step in the right direction should that become something I'd like to pursue. So I'll be studying a lot more for that interview than my other ones. And by a lot more it's infinitely more because I didn't really study for my previous interviews. I'm slightly hoping that they'll be more interested in my machine learning work than having me be a C++ god but I'll at least get good enough to work through a leetcode problem.

Back to future goals, I would still like to try my hand at coaching valorant seriously again. Obviously there's going to be some level of push back here simply because it's going to be quite exhausting trying to work a full time job and coach, but I'd like to at least give my full effort towards this. I'm not so naive as to expect myself to shoot up towards the top level of competition but it would be nice to at least get some level of recognition in the community at large rather than just having some nods of my existence within a very small group of people (albeit ones that are as well known as it gets).

Hoping both these opportunities go well. If neither go well, then I think it'll be time to rethink the whole thing. I'll probably go back to school or deeply consider changing paths. Because honestly I'm really sick of working towards positions where there really isn't a somewhat obvious path. Maybe there is and I'm just not seeing it though. And the thought of that is a lot scarier than there being no path for anyone. Why? Because it means that this path really isn't for me. And a part of me hates that something can't be mine.

Kind of on a philosophical/neuroscience note, since just yapping about my struggles isn't what I want this page to become LMAO, I think there's a lot to be said about people who have the self discipline and awareness to be able to focus on the things that society (and honestly myself included) find productive. Truthfully it would be nice if what I really enjoy doing wasn't playing video games and consuming content. Of course there's nothing wrong with that, but honestly I do feel like there needs to be a point where I start moving away from it as a core part of what I do. Maybe doing a fast dopamine detox (if that's really a thing) would be helpful. I saw some people discuss the effects of just sitting for 30-ish minutes before starting your work, so that you can trick your brain into finding it more pleasurable.

It'd be nice to achieve these things without these kinds of tricks though. But maybe going down this kind of route would be helpful for someone who has probably fried and/or overloaded my dopamine receptors at this point. In a positive light I have been going to the gym relatively consistently now, so seeing improvements there is cool. Highly recommend. Although I should probably get into stretching/increasing my flexibility now :(