Note 84

So today I had a fight that was brewing for some time with my mother. It starts with her coming into my room, making a comment on how nothing has really changed for me since high school, and then mentioning when I'll finish up the requirements so I can start volunteering. I think I made some passing comment that I was working on it and dismissed the prior. I then go about my day, doing the things I need to do. She then wakes up to go to work, mentions the same comment on my computer and seeing the same thing, and I tell her that I've done everything I needed to do today, so I don't know why she's making this comment. She leaves. Then comes back, demands (nicely) for an apology for me yelling. I oblige but then reiterate that she's made the same comment multiple times so clearly she has a problem and I don't think there is one at this current time as I've done everything I need to do today. After explaining this, in a tone that was elevated which I could have explained calmly, my mother then replies that I just want to be left alone in everything and I don't do anything I don't want to (as evidenced by me procrastinating on the volunteering), and tells me to just stop doing any chore she assigns. Angrily.

Now, I think we both probably could have handled this better. It is true that I was procrastinating on finishing up my requirements for volunteering, and it is also probably true that I don't really want to teach English to old Korean people. I also think that I probably should start seeking therapy with regards to why I feel like I haven't really moved on from my high school days. But all that to say, I don't really think me playing games is much of a problem. I think I was right in saying that her comments are passive aggressive and clearly want to pick a fight or at least start a conversation about something. I also think I was in the right in the short term with regards to it being a shortsighted comment when she had just woken up to make a comment that clearly has more to it.

In the approximately two years that I have come home, I don't think I've really grown as a person to a point where I feel like I could leave and keep certain parts of how I interact with people the same? It's kind of hard to describe. After coming home from school, it felt like I had a hard time communicating with my family after being away for so long. It felt more like we were strangers than family. And truthfully I've never had a super close relationship to the point where I could talk about anything and everything with any of them. I would assume this is abnormal. I think this started in 7th grade when my grades started to slip, albeit it was an unnoticeable amount (probably like a 98 to a 94 in some subjects i think). I have always just hidden parts of myself and tried to figure them out on my own. On the other hand, huge problems that I cannot solve on my own, with financial problems being the primary issue, have been assisted by my family. That I cannot deny. And for that I am eternally grateful. I honestly just don't know how to show that. Or really what that feeling should feel like?

So back to the original point, I think if I move out and try to resolve the problems myself, I may become a stranger to my own family again. For some reason I adapt strongly to my environment. I make it as comfortable as possible for myself. I'd imagine that makes me more like a leech than a person :/

I don't know anymore. Some days it really feels like I was never supposed to make it this far. And I mean that negatively. I feel like I'm just a drain on everyone emotionally and financially. Everyone else at least has the appearance of moving upwards towards some goal. I suppose mine now is becoming a doctor. It feels so fast yet so slow. I feel exhausted yet I wonder if I even have the right to be exhausted.

It just feels so hard to be alive. And don't get me wrong as much as I might ideate, suicide is never a real option. I just really, really, really wish it were easier.