Note 85

mmmmmmmmmmmmm

I think I still ideate quite honestly. It doesn't help that there's still tension between me and my mother. I think I'd have the same feelings even if we were to no longer have that tension.

I don't think I'm as depressed as I was that night. Perhaps this will just be something that I will have to manage throughout my life. I was honestly so scared of what I might do while driving. I don't think a normal person feels like that or has those feelings at all.

On another note, I will likely be diagnosed with very early stage glaucoma. Apparently my intra ocular pressure is abnormal, and if left alone then I will begin to lose vision in the periphery of my left eye. Because of this, I am beginning to lose confidence in my ability to go into surgery. I honestly may just pivot into something similar such as anesthesiology or just emergency medicine. If not that then maybe pathology or pm&r or something I'm not really sure. I can't even be allowed to lift weights like I usually do, though because it's still early maybe it's not a big deal if I do it a bit now. It's just frustrating that this happened to me but I suppose it's at least treatable all the way into the late stages of my life.

On another note, I've been having more fun watching valorant nowadays. I've found a different way of just taking down my notes on just general macro strategy and compositional theory that I'm enjoying and so the process is more fun than watching matches to break teams down. Just a positive note that I think I should add in.

I will say having people, even if they're online, to talk to about my life and problems is probably the only reason I'm still sane. I think I'd be a lot different if that wasn't the case. Bless them.