OSaD, D73

Feeling like shit—an exploration.

So, for the nth time, I feel like a worthless fucking piece of shit. When this happens I go 'round and 'round looking for an explanation or an exit.

This time, instead of just going in cicles in my mind, I'm writing shit down, just so that at least I don't retrace my steps over and over, motherfuckers.

Regarding the cause, I wonder. I wonder, because I do meditation and asanas and kiirtan (chanting), all of which supposedly helps you feel a bit better. And it often does. So, maybe:

• just because I do meditation it does not mean I'll NEVER experience feeling like crap

And so I think, OK, I'm doing meditation and shit's still raining on me, maybe

• I have BAD samskaras (karma)—I did some ugly shit in the past and now, even though I'm trying to get my shit together, I still get shit rained down on me

I sometimes also think that other people maybe experiencing clash just like, but I don't know

the thing is that there isn't something concrete in my life that I would say qualifies as a legit trigger of unhappiness, such as the death of a loved one or the loss of my job

• I guess the pandemic could qualify
• there's a judgement right there: some circumstances are real causes for grief
  • I'm fucking fed up with my job, maybe that's a good one
  • although I feel like I should be above that shit because, you know, I MEDITATE
• it looks like I'm saying that because I meditate I should be above all this shit
• this and shit are almost palindromes

I feel and fear that my sadness will drive the people who love me away, that scares the shit out of me

I also feel like I just want to be alone

but I can't because of the idiot pandemic,

now we all are packed together in this fucken house

Fucking Standard Notes, they could fucken improve their editor for sure, it's so fucking clumsy, goddamn... I hate that it treats new lines in such fucking strict, tight-ass way

I think a lot about destruction, darkness, shit like that

I should just write it out

write the darkest motherfucking shit you've even read

imma dump my shit in this blog because i'm gettin real tired of carrying it around

the thing is, with the mind, it can just fucken drive you in circles unless you step out of the car... it's like my son, he'll pull you into infinite arguments and circular debates if you're not watching, i love that dude a lot