What happened to me?

A year and a half ago, my best friend in the whole world disappeared from our lives without real explanation. She's alive, but unreachable.

Shortly after, I dealt with my childhood sexual abuse for the first time and heard horrors of sexual violence from someone I loved.

I would wonder if I should've shot myself that day back in 2020. I wanted to die, but I got through it then.

Fast forward to three months ago, my next-in-line best friend of a decade lost his grip on reality while his family and I tried to get him into a hospital and back to earth. He refused it all, and has been spending his money and spinning his life out. I couldn't hear the madness anymore and I had to cut him off.

Regardless of if or when he stabilizes, the perception of such a previously important relationship to me has been shattered. It is another example of the darkness in life.

A month and a half ago, my girlfriend I loved and thought I was going to marry left me to come out as gay. I am happy for her, but it was another devastating blow.

I have since fallen in love with someone I can't be with and who may not even feel the same. I have been again reminded of the horrors of how people can be so evil to someone so beautiful and pure.

I sit here today fighting off hopelessness and suicide. I don't even believe in the God I have my entire life previously. I don't trust men because of what I know they can do. I feel alone. Often, I picture the gun by my bedside relieving me of this all.