My Pet Staircase

I don't give a quacking duck.

Lost Paradise

Close your eyes
And open your mind.
Look to the sky
And see:

A magical land
Of aquatic man,
Living peacefully
Beneath the sea.

The capitalist pigs,
All counting their twigs,
Don't want you
To know the truth:

That beneath the waves,
The gleeful mermaids
Bathe in eternal youth.

They'll all call you names
Like mad or insane...
Dear friend,
Don't you think twice.

For one day we'll find
Our seafaring kind
Lost Paradise.


I wear a watch around my ankle
To tell time when I tie my shoes.
Time can be told at any angle,
Yes, any old angle you choose!

It can be told if you're right-way up,
It can be told if you're upside down,
It can be told if you're downside up,
It can be told if you're wrong-way down.

Sometimes I tell time at twenty degrees.
Sometimes I tell time when I'm on my knees.
Sometimes I don't even tell time, you see,
Sometimes time tells me!

How would you tell time if you were a goat
In a boat, set afloat on a moat?
Why, the same way I would if I were a fly,
Trying to spy on a nearby pie.

It's all very simple, this time stuff, you know?
One moment it comes, one moment it goes.
Some people call it 're-la-ti-vi-ty',
By that, they mean it revolves around me.

Is the pleasure in the chewing or the swallowing?

Unrelated to that

Last night, my car
Was hit by a cat!
Unrelated to that,
My poor Uncle John
Once choked on a scone.

What a world! What a world!
How was he supposed to know
How hastily to eat pastry,
Or, indeed, how slow?

Oh! I just thought I'd mention
My grandmother's pension –
Now that she's getting old,
Nothing's changed, I'm told.

What is love anyway? Anyway,
Thanks for listening.
One last thing 'fore you go,
Unrelated to that,
Do you happen to know
How to clean car off a cat?

The fear of superstition is a superstition.

Saving the Rhinos

The rhinos, the rhinos,
The rhinos are dead.
I don't understand,
Did they not see the red
Horn on my car?
How bizarre!
Well, I tried, O! I tried,
I tried to curtail
The harvesting of
Their face fingernails,
But despite all my efforts,
No rhino was spared,
Though I do hope you know
Just how much I cared,
And now that they're gone,
At least I can say
To my children,
Dear children:
It's not my fault, okay?

Mrs. Guise

Mrs. Guise always lies
About the filling of her pies
And little boys, who aren't so wise
To the ploys of Mrs. Guise,
Are in for quite a bad surprise –
They're full of flippin' spider thighs!


I've never known a dobermann
Whose owner was a sober man.
Something about that bastard dog
Drives its masters to the grog;
So I ate mine and bought a hog.

Tuesnight Day

Why say Tuesday is Tuesday
& tonight is Tuesday night?
Why not Tuesnight is Tuesnight
& today was Tuesnight day?
Why do we speak in a sun-centric way?
Is it 'cause we sleep when it's dark
& wake up when it's light?
Suppose we didn't sleep at all.
What would days be called?

Pudding Poem

This poem's about pudding,
Yes, pudding, I said!
It's a pudding poem
Made of rhyme soaked bread,
A bread pudding poem,
Yes, pudding, said I!
It's a poem pudding
Made of bread soaked in rhyme,
A bread poem pudding,
Though, it should be said,
This poem about pudding
Is a bit short of bread.