No purpose. No drive. Bitterness. [SC]

[Stream of Consciousness - SC]

I have programmed myself to be driven, committed, determined, and persevered to do something if it is related to what I want in life or my goal. Because of that working for other purposes, which aren't aligned with my dream, would drain me to a point where all I could feel is bitterness. I guess it is because I am doing something for myself.

For example, when I set myself a goal to the Olympics, I was mostly motivated and discipline to do what I thought it would take to get there. I didn't feel like I was working for someone else, but myself. It was my dream. Moreover, I did have down times when I was tired, unmotivated, undisciplined, and unfocused, but I always managed to find a strength and overcome those moments.

Now half way through my 1-year internship in the agriculture cooperative (AC), I have lost all the drives to be excited and motivated to continue working there. I feel like I am just staying because of the money. I am not as focused as in the beginning. I don't have many initiatives now. I feel like time is going so slow and I am counting down to the end of my contract, which will be in the end of December 2022.

I am actually more excited about what I want to do next year. I really want to just stop working with CPSA and go ahead starting with my new plan.

I feel this way not because the work I am handling is too difficult or anything. I just don't have the purpose to stay. Before I came to work in the AC, I wanted to learn about the AC and hopefully find what it is the really problem that farmers are facing. I think I have now found the answers to those questions and have decided an approach to tackle as well. Therefore, I want to just executing my plan right away.

The feeling is very similar to when I completed what I wanted to do in Chiang Mai and Chiang Rai for my solo bicycle trip in 2017, and I had to ride harder and longer each day wanting to get back to Phnom Penh faster because I had things I need to do to carry on pursuing my cycling dream. It feels the same way now.

I don't know how to really deal with it. But I am kind of stressed frequently, so I could easily get mad or angry because I think I am just being impatient. I am not in the moment. I am so focused in the future. I really don't know how to switch these, but I know I am not going to be fully happy if I am not in the present.

When I trained as a national road cyclist, I also experienced moments when I felt discouraged, unmotivated, and doubtful, but I had a clear training plan for each day. Thus, regardless of how I felt that day, I told myself to just get out there and get the work done. After the completion of each training, I was happy. I knew I did the right thing, and I was on the right track. This is very important. It is the clue to my above question, why am I not as motivated, disciplined, committed, and persevered training to be a writer or learning in class in general as when I trained as a cyclist?

Two YouTube videos help me make sense of what's going on with me. One is a video on Rich Roll podcast where Dr. Andrew Huberman explains about the Dopamine system.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SwQhKFMxmDY
Another video is on Film Courage YouTube channel where Dr. Ken Atchity talks about how he manages his daily time to make the time to write. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y6nshRTjSFw&t=20s