No purpose. No drive. Bitterness. [SC]

[Stream of Consciousness - SC]

I have programmed myself to be driven, committed, determined, and persevered to do something if it is related to what I want in life or my goal. Because of that working for other purposes, which aren't aligned with my dream, would drain me to a point where all I could feel is bitterness. I guess it is because I am doing something for myself.

For example, when I set myself a goal to the Olympics, I was mostly motivated and discipline to do what I thought it would take to get there. I didn't feel like I was working for someone else, but myself. It was my dream. Moreover, I did have down times when I was tired, unmotivated, undisciplined, and unfocused, but I always managed to find a strength and overcome those moments.

Now half way through my 1-year internship in the agriculture cooperative (AC), I have lost all the drives to be excited and motivated to continue working there. I feel like I am just staying because of the money. I am not as focused as in the beginning. I don't have many initiatives now. I feel like time is going so slow and I am counting down to the end of my contract, which will be in the end of December 2022.

I am actually more excited about what I want to do next year. I really want to just stop working with CPSA and go ahead starting with my new plan.

I feel this way not because the work I am handling is too difficult or anything. I just don't have the purpose to stay. Before I came to work in the AC, I wanted to learn about the AC and hopefully find what it is the really problem that farmers are facing. I think I have now found the answers to those questions and have decided an approach to tackle as well. Therefore, I want to just executing my plan right away.

The feeling is very similar to when I completed what I wanted to do in Chiang Mai and Chiang Rai for my solo bicycle trip in 2017, and I had to ride harder and longer each day wanting to get back to Phnom Penh faster because I had things I need to do to carry on pursuing my cycling dream. It feels the same way now.

I don't know how to really deal with it. But I am kind of stressed frequently, so I could easily get mad or angry because I think I am just being impatient. I am not in the moment. I am so focused in the future. I really don't know how to switch these, but I know I am not going to be fully happy if I am not in the present.

When I trained as a national road cyclist, I also experienced moments when I felt discouraged, unmotivated, and doubtful, but I had a clear training plan for each day. Thus, regardless of how I felt that day, I told myself to just get out there and get the work done. After the completion of each training, I was happy. I knew I did the right thing, and I was on the right track. This is very important. It is the clue to my above question, why am I not as motivated, disciplined, committed, and persevered training to be a writer or learning in class in general as when I trained as a cyclist?

Two YouTube videos help me make sense of what's going on with me. One is a video on Rich Roll podcast where Dr. Andrew Huberman explains about the Dopamine system.
Another video is on Film Courage YouTube channel where Dr. Ken Atchity talks about how he manages his daily time to make the time to write.

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