Day 082
June 16, 2021•322 words
#100Days
Hate
How much hate I feel. That is a bit of a sick post, but I had to go throught it in order to process, understand and expel it from my body.
I've always felt a lot of hate in my life, and that gave me strength to continue living and coping with the situations I had to face.
Hate gave me a feeling of power. I felt empowered by it. The catch here is that hate is not the optimal state of mind because it still opens doors for exploitation. A person who is hateful can be easily triggered by others, who would then control them.
So letting go of hate makes a person even more powerful. But when you are in a situation where you are quite identifyied with power, it feels hard to detect the negative influence of hate.
And that might be an important aspect of dealing with it. I was somehow counting on hate (unconciously, of course) to get some sort of energizing impulse while making decisions.
That kinda followed me during the course of my life. Not in every decision, but in some of them, as far as I can tell.
Another interesting aspect is the manifestation of hate against myself happened in those moments when I subconsciously opted for denying my own truth, and decided to play against myself and act in ways that were obviously not in my best interest. I did this for the sake of maintaining some stupid self-image. Of course I still do it, but today I aim at minimising that effect.
I also hated myself for not acting in ways I know I'm capable of, but just wouldn't. Sometimes for pure lazyness, sometimes for fear.
Today I can finally see that I have no true reason to do such things. So I started working on it in order to have a better version of myself for the future.