Responsible but in Pain | Tu 11/1

Waking up was hard today. I got close to 7 hours of sleep, but I think I'm still in sleep debt from the weekend.

Gigi really Nivva'd me. I'm so on the fence about Sammy and don't know how to interact with her anymore.

Fred and Dave are disagreeing about how we should and can do these features for the rewards application and my brain is melting hearing Fred go off about what a product owner and the firm wants.

My brain was fried after waking up from a short nap during a break earlier, but I managed to get an alright lunch in and get my good habits in.

After eating I napped and had a lucid dream where I destroyed an office space like it was a music video. I guess that's how I'm feeling now. Speaking of which, I keep remembering Samantha, having good memories and missing her, and then subsequently realizing things are messy from me going too fast too quickly.

My group is taking a while to figure out how we want to tackle this project, but it's pretty chill. They also want to mob program, which I'm over the moon for. Maybe even these last days of training won't be bad, but I'm heartbroken that I'll start having to go into the office soon.

Yesterday it also occurred to me that people are always mixed bags. I found myself quick to like people (in multiple ways) just based on conversation with them, only to later lower my opinions of them based on their actions. Maybe I should be slower to warm up with people to keep my expectations from getting inflated.

Speaking of mixed bags, I'm not even safe from it. My guess is that Nivva warned Jinn about the Jasmine situation and told her to steer clear of me, which I suppose is fair but feels underhanded to not bring up with me. I also hear that I'm a doormat and a bad driver from people here and there. I guess everyone has traits which others don't like, but realizing this makes me iffy about friends and relationships.

I just nuked the Jasmine blog since it's way past relevant. Maybe I should do the same for the Jinn one. Everyone who I want to keep updated is, other than maybe Annie.

I nuked the Jinn blog. Annie can get a personal update when she has time. This is what it feels like to be free. The paper trail is gone.

I meant to nap for a bit right after work, but it's dinner time and I need to go lift. Sammy also messaged me, but I'm hoping things stay chill while I figure out what to tell her.

Things are not chill. After a bit of small talk she asked if she made me uncomfortable and told me that she works tomorrow so now we're going to talk later tonight. I need to review the notes and try to be a responsible adult.

Adrian had time to call after I finished in the gym so I spilled the situation to him. He thinks I am a dog for complying with her, but was very supportive and is helping me to be a responsible adult. He also thinks that Sammy is not a good person for pushing as hard as she did especially when she had a boyfriend.

Talking to Adrian, new points:

• A lot happened in the spur of the moment, but in retrospect I feel uncomfortable about participating in cheating with her
• I would've appreciated a warning about herpes before she kissed me
• I don't think it's smart that she comes over to stay with me
• I'm not sure we should keep talking (hard to but he thinks I should still say it)

I talked to Sammy and things are weird. She said that she broke up with her boyfriend and told me Monday during lunch, I guess right when it happened (I may have just misheard her and played it off as something unimportant instead of asking for her to clarify; do not repeat this mistake), and that what I did with her wasn't cheating. I said that I still don't feel good about what we did in the moment during the festival while she was still together though. She also told me that she has genital herpes despite confirming that it's from HSV-1, which I read is possible but rare, so I guess there was no risk about my contracting it. I may want to get tested anyways to be 100% sure though. Maybe I'll find out I have oral herpes like half of all adults apparently do.

Because of these rebuttals, I couldn't lay down the law like Adrian said to and told her that I'll need time to figure things out since my expectations aren't the same as they were in the moment. I did manage to also tell her that I don't think it's smart for her to stay over at my place, but she didn't respond to it like most things I said. She sounded very sad, shared that she guessed this is what I'd talk about, and told me to take as long as I need, which made me feel a lot worse about this whole thing. I was also not very smooth with my words so things were probably less effective and more awkward than they needed to be. I also had no idea what to say afterwards and she eventually managed to say good night.

It was only afterwards while I was in the shower, but I realized Adrian has been so good for me. I'm thankful to have him.