This Could be You | Sa 11/19

I got plenty of sleep and woke up around noon, but didn't get anything done the whole day. The allure of games got to me and I dumped quite a lot of time into Osu and Left 4 Dead. Even while playing I caught myself wondering if I should limit my time, but a quote from a Haikyuu analysis video saying that having fun and enjoying yourself is worth the time it takes for me to justify it. It's been a long time since I completely lost a day to games and sleep, and it's not a feeling I miss, but I suppose it's not easy to hang out with people and be busy all the time.

Eventually Kimmy told me that she and Arushii had space in their car to Fort Worth for Slander so they picked me up on their way to the pre-game. It was fun getting to chat and they got me a little more interested in EDC, especially since I can't think of anything better to do for my birthday. I also got to meet their first year medical school friend Michelle and her boyfriend Solomon, who were both fun getting to know.

The pre-game was alright, but Ben and Melissa made a surprise visit instead of going to Philadelphia, which blew my mind. There were a bunch of us cramped in Kristine's studio apartment and I didn't recognize a few faces. It was also awkward seeing Samantha again, but I tried not to make eye contact. Eventually she said hello though, so I tried my best to be friendly still.

On the Uber to the venue I got to meet Ashley and her coworker Jason who were the people I didn't recognize, but I never found out how they know anyone else in the group. It turns out Ashley lives near Bishop Arts, so we may get to see her again. We had fun listening to Wooli while waiting in line to get in, but I was already feeling the cold by then. We had to wait a while for people coming in different groups or separating to use the restroom, long enough to nearly start Slander by the time we started to move into the crowd.

It was nice dancing and hanging out with everyone, but I saw Samantha getting sussy with Jason which felt a little bit strange. It's as if I saw footage myself with her from Freaky like it was CCTV of me robbing a gas station I had to view as part of my court case, which was surreal and made me kind of ashamed. Despite Gigi saying so, the set was not the same as the one we heard at North Coast, which was a relief. It was a lot of fun, but I didn't enjoy when the music switched to hardstyle and it wasn't fun reliving the "can we play our first techno song for you?" moment. The sad songs (Love is Gone, Back to U) also hit differently and got me contemplating my life choices the past few months.

Afterwards we split back up to Uber to Kristine's place, and I saw Jason contemplate how he's going to get home since it seemed like he wanted to continue hanging out with Samantha. Witnessing this felt a little too familiar and I caught myself wondering if that's what I looked like at Freaky. The whole thing was a sign that Samantha moved on from me and I started to wonder if it's a pattern like how phishing scams typically start with the same story or circumstances. I guess you can call Samantha a Nigerian princess then.

Before then Samantha talked to me while we were waiting for some people after filing out of the venue. She asked if she and I could still be friends, which I gave a meek yes to out of reflex but I wasn't sure of. She said that she would only get to see me next at LAN and she doesn't live close, so maybe I should take the chance to go back to being friendly at least.

Eventually we got back to Kristine's place but had to wait for her in order to get into the lobby. After more waiting out car reunited and we stopped for Taco Bell before going home. The drive was a lot quieter since Michelle and Solomon were sleeping, but the calm was nice. Now while replaying everything I realized how sussy Samantha may be since I don't consider it a good thing to be hopping between people for a good time, or at least not something I think she do. Actually now that I think about it, that's sort of what I did after the Jasmine situation, which has me rethinking my image of myself.

This has made me realize the phrases I repeated to myself tonight and the new stance on people and myself after the Freaky incident and playing volleyball recently:

• People may be fun to get to know and chat with, but that doesn't show everything about them and they may not be people I should keep close.
• Everyone has things about them that somebody else will dislike, so it's a matter of time seeing those things and trying to work around them than trying to find people who don't have them.
• I am not much, specifically as a responsible adult, a potential partner, and a volleyball player, and should resist thinking otherwise, despite what other people tell me, to keep from giving myself expectations.