Questions | Su 11/20

I woke up at a normal time, but I fell asleep with the lights on until late last night so I'm sure sleep wasn't the best. I didn't do much, but eventually got myself to at least start laundry. Other than that it's just been playing games and watching YouTube for hours. Eventually I even napped on the couch for a while and missed the time I set to work out. Since then I at least got myself to make food and get my mail though.

On my walk to get my packages the hallways felt cold. Holding my junk mail with the intent to use it for my shoes gave me a flashback of hanging out with Jasmine, since she uses hers as placemats while eating, and the contrast of that joy with the cold misery at the time made the walk feel longer. I realized why I don't like the cold: it makes me feel like I'm losing the battle against life. Recently I thought about the study measuring people's mood while holding something warm or cold, which found that warm hands means warm heart. Maybe slamming hot chocolates and clutching the warm cup at work isn't as strange as I thought.

This also made me see my sense of humor in a new light. Even when life has me down and I'm completely cold and alone, I can still feel a little bit better if I can make myself laugh and that can't be taken from me. This goes hand in hand with how I see the value in something as seemingly minor as a feeling, which I changed my mind on since seeing how much I love the feeling of playing good volleyball. Making myself smile and laugh helps me get through hard times.

Now that I think about it, maybe this is seasonal depression.

Earlier I asked Eric to pay me back for the brunch we had for Gigi's birthday. He left a few things out like a side and his share of the tip, but I didn't want to correct him. I suppose he does a lot for me and I'm in a better financial situation than he is so it's fine. He also said not to worry about the Uber's from last night, so I guess it sort of evens out. The situation made me realize how little I want to deal with owing or being owed things though. It makes things uncomfortable and I guess I'm not the type to express or do anything when in that position.

I can't put my finger on why or how exactly, but I feel sort of down on people in general. During my walk back with my mail I was in "people are confusing" mode, asking myself what it looks like to care about and be cared about by somebody else. Maybe the questions came to mind when I thought about conversation Kimmy and Arushii had about Michelle and Solomon as a couple while we waited for them in the car. They noted how he took care of her during the night as a good sign.

This made me wonder though, are men expected to be caretakers? It seems like a strange "social contract" for many women to be looking for someone to take care of them. It's as if men keep women around as pets and both parties silently agree to the arrangement. Maybe I don't understand what it's like since I'm a guy though. I'm sure not everyone thinks this way either, but it seems like the the case generally. I suppose it's also becoming normal for women to be praised for independence too.

I feel like it's also strange to expect men to not be in need. I've heard girls share that they love being pampered and taken care of by men in their lives, but I'd honestly love that too. I loved when Samantha and I held each other, but I guess I was taking care of her while she was rolling so it wasn't quite even. Now that I think about it, I liked being available to help both Sammy's during Freaky and would've loved to have them help me if I needed it, so I don't understand why the feeling has to be from guys to girls. As much as I don't like the feeling personally and it seems bad to show, I have to admit I'm not much of a provider and sometimes need help from others. Does that mean someone like me is doomed to a bad romantic life? I hope not, but it kind of seems like it.

I sure hope these questions don't make me look terribly ignorant. Oh well, realizing your flaws is a necessary step to changing as a person and I trust the people I share this with to want the best for me.