Good Things Fall Apart | Su 2/12

I woke up late to do errands and eat until my date with Sara. I lost track of time and was a bit late, but she didn't mind. The restaurant was pretty inside and had trees in the center, so we sat next to one. It was great chatting with Sara, about my "rave warm up" theory, wanting to visit Japan, my love of Japanology, video games we're playing and grew up on, and a ton more.

The whole time I was having fun, but I couldn't help but wonder if I should be feeling more "sparks". Recently I thought about how I spent a ton of time with and messaged girls I had crushes on and they never left my mind, but that wasn't the case with Sara.

We ate a ton and it was great, other than the sashimi surprisingly. Afterwards Sara suggested we go to Round One since it wasn't far. We struggled playing rhythm games, shooting games, and claw games, but it was all pretty fun. The arcade was hot inside though, so we took a break to chill outside in between some games. The nice weather got me interested in walking around and we decided to try finding a park nearby after we finished playing.

Eventually I remembered visiting The Sound with Jinn and liking it, so I suggested it. It's too bad it was night time and very quiet by the time we got there. Sara and I walked around the big pond, she asked me why I came there before, and I told her. It was nice being able to laugh about it, but I shared that I was embarrassed to tell her since she saw me and Jinn interact sometimes.

Eventually Sara grabbed my arm, which caught me off guard, and soon after she wanted to sit to keep talking. Then she asked what I wanted out of our relationship, so I told her that I want something serious, but also that I've been having some reservations. It was hard admitting that I don't get butterflies and am kind of forcing myself, but I also had to ask her what she sees in me.

She told me that she likes how I'm kind of dorky and airheaded, how I'm supportive and even visited her while she was selling yesterday, and love volleyball. It was nice to hear all that, but I couldn't help but second guess her feelings for me since I feel like she may want a provider or protector and I don't think I'd be good at either. She told me that she doesn't really need a relationship, which I find a great trait, but also that I should address what seems like insecurity since she's seen that be a big issue for friends' relationships.

Separately she also suggested I ask my friends what they think I need in a relationship. If you can read this, I trust you and value you opinion so you're welcome to let me know however you'd like.

Sara told me that I shouldn't try to force myself to keep dating her even if my brain is telling me she's fantastic. She also thought it was strange how I basically described her when she asked me what kind of partner I want a few weeks ago, yet did nothing afterwards, which I agree with and don't understand either. I think it may be how I turned the "see girls as potential partners" part of my brain off and can't control when it turns back on since at one point early on I was a bit interested in her.

I wasn't sure how to say it all, so maybe I was insensitive by telling her I don't feel butterflies and am struggling to see her as more than a friend, but she and I got to have an honest conversation still and she wants to remain friends. I'm also concerned I may have given her expectations by agreeing to a date, but she said she isn't beat up about it and that I seem more sad about it than she is. That last part may be true, but every time I confessed, got rejected, and then said I still want to be friends, I wasn't able to and lost the friend, so it seems cruel to put someone through that pain.

I'm trying to take her word for it that she's okay with the situation--she even told her best friend that she suspects I'm just going along with things--but I can't help but feel like I could've saved her some grief. I suppose she doesn't deserve to be with someone who isn't crazy about her, but something keeps telling me I made a mistake. Maybe this is like a dig in volleyball, theoretically possible to get so I keep thinking I should and beating myself up when I don't.

Speaking of which Sara told me that she playing at her church tomorrow and sounded fine with me joining, so maybe I'll do that. I really hope I can treat her the same and don't have to lose another friend.