From Baddie to Saddie | 2/6-13

Work has been whatever. Mostly forgettable punch-in days, but I'm still progressing on my projects and getting things done in the little productive time I get (since I daydream a lot).

Sara confessed to me Monday after volleyball, I agreed to a date on Thursday, and we went out on Sunday. Even though rationally she's amazing, I have trouble seeing her as more than a friend. I remember being into her way back before the Jinn situation, and I honestly wish I could undo the "only see girls as friends" filter I turn on out of instinct. I think I have trouble having girl friends since I tend to catch feelings and things get awkward, especially when I tried to act on it, but now I'm wondering if that's a better situation than resisting all feelings and eventually not being able to see them romantically. I guess this is the first time that "just hide it" approach has backfired though.

I'm trying not to beat myself up over it, but I think it's my fault I don't feel much for her and I see it as my loss. Every time I talk with her it's so fun and we go for so long, but now my brain only sees "friend" with her. It's like I'm both a child who is picky with food, and the parent frustrated that their kid can't appreciate quality food.

I also hope Sara finds someone who smiles at her like I did with the sushi we ate on our date. It was so embarrassing trying to hide how good I thought it was when she should've been the focus. It also seemed like she really liked me, so I'm scared the fallout isn't hard going to be easy for her despite her assurance that she's okay.

I also had an honest chat with her (as seen in the emergency daily blog posts) after dinner that night and she recommended I ask people close to me what they think I need from a relationship. I think I'd like:

• emotional support
• a reliable, independent, and mentally tough partner
• someone to spend lots of time with
• someone to joke and talk with

which does describe Sara and mostly mirrors her needs, but let me know if you think I could use something else or disagree. If I let you read this, your opinion matters to me.

I strained my lower back (deep down, like nearly at my glutes) while lifting on Wednesday, so I haven't played volleyball until the next Monday. Of course I've still been reading Haikyuu (Shiratorizawa is an amazing match) and consuming content (podcast about problems of being a tall player and being forced into middle was thought-provoking, found some channel with Russian pro club team matches) in that time and it's still been fun. Since then I've been moving around and returned to volleyball-playing condition relatively quickly.

I went to Subtronics on Saturday and it was just okay. It was nice to hear the music, but the set was probably my least favorite of his so far. It was also nice seeing Nancy again after LAN, but things were a little awkward with her friend Jazzy, who had a lot of hot takes (huge into astrology, sounded sus hinting at aliens and how some big disaster is coming).