Sad Dog | 2/14-19

Lately I've felt like a slave to my biology. I remember the feeling of Sara grabbing for my arm while walking around on the night of our date and I miss it. This week I realized that I want to be in a relationship too. Before I never cared much either way and just wanted to hang out with people, but I caught myself thinking it and it feels like an admission of defeat. As much as I hate to say it, the good chemicals highly motivate me to hold someone and be held and I want those chemicals.

During the week I had an awkward interaction and sad revelation being reminded that I ogle girls unconsciously. I guess I just forgot about it since it's been a while, but I feel so much shame every time I remember. These animal instincts are still from me and I should own them, but I hate them and think they mostly make me feel negative emotions (shame from how I look at others, longing to be held).

I still feel sad and even a bit guilty about the Sara situation. I can't help but think that I may have been able to tell her my hang-ups about being together while sparing her feelings. It's hard to imagine the feeling of being told that someone isn't interested in me despite their preferences essentially matching me, and by multiple friends too. I'd probably start asking myself if something is wrong with me or inherently unlikable. After giving it some thought (and a search online), I realized that things like sense of humor and chemistry aren't factored when looking at a person "on paper" so maybe that's the big piece we lacked.

I'm trying to still be friends and spend time with her, but I'm wondering if it comes from pity or guilt. This has me asking why I decide to support or hang out with anyone, and I'm not sure I have a great answer. Maybe it's transactional, or so I get some good chemicals.

Lately I've been fixated on being as lazy as possible for work. It's terrible having to go into the office more often, not having a desk even when I do, and having looming responsibilities all the time. The attendance policy and my hate of commuting also have me physically isolated from others in the name of being closer to work since I stay at mom's house for most of the work week now.

I've been napping a lot lately, even when I get a full night of sleep beforehand. I should avoid lying down when I want to relax. I feel like I've generally been in a worse mood lately too. I'm less patient with people at work and in volleyball. I've also noticed myself less excited to chat with and make friends when I see new people. It seems like I'm not doing that well mentally.

Speaking of volleyball, I feel myself just starting to move the needle of improvement. Of course it's always fun being on the court, but I'm trying to incorporate changes like (bad) diving for passes, practicing digs, different posture for serve receive, and it's been satisfying to see even small change. I'm also at the ball boy arc in Haikyuu and it's motivating seeing Hinata struggle to change his game up at the same time.

Saturday night I was lying on the couch and realized that I'm not living the life I want. I feel like I'm worried about work and fighting against my bad habits and instincts when I want to spend time with the people I care about doing the things that I care about. Maybe I can start with trying to talk to my friends more. I probably need to answer some questions and this out with a professional too.