Highs and Lows | 2/20-26

This is way overdue but I'm trying to pull myself together. Thank you for trying to keep up with my life.

I may also publish the daily entries since I had to leave some things out (mostly work and volleyball details, some rambling). Hopefully it doesn't spam the emails of those who have mailing list reminders.

After the dumpster fire that was the week before this, I spent time with friends and it was great. I hung out with Gigi and went to Costco, then went to North Park with some others, ate in Carrollton, and worked out as a group. Later in the week I also called Adrian and Alex to catch up. I guess spending time with friends is good for my happiness.

Speaking of that call with Alex, he told me that I seem to be sacrificing a lot in the name of more sleep and less driving (isolating myself at mom's house to cut down commute time, not hanging out with friends or playing volleyball with friends as much) and it doesn't seem like I'm getting much from it (still sleeping late). I want to be intentional with 1:1's and calling people, maybe I can try once a week with anyone. Or if you're reading this, consider it an open invitation to message me literally whenever you want. You'd be doing me a favor.

As for work, my team was told to come into the office more often by management and I've been losing my mind staying over at mom's house early in the week to hit my 60% in-office requirement. There's nothing to do and no one to talk to so I'm just working out; it's like pandemic all over again, but I also have to work a job and commute. Even the suburbs are pretty dreadful to drive through during rush hour: plenty of speed demons and GTA players, but also school zones. I actually have to crack jokes to myself and play music to cope with it.

Work itself has been draining, but the worst part is how it's taken my joy and energy away from other things in life. I nap a lot after work because the weight of my teammates' expectations, the headache of traffic, and my own laziness overpower my desire to truly have fun or be productive. Instead of doing volleyball drills or my taxes, I just settle with watching videos and pretending I'm there.

During the week I had a great time chatting with my hygienist at a visit to the dentist, which was great but gave me deja vu since the same thing happened in 2020 with my hairstylist when I was starved for human interaction, so I knew I was down bad.

I also looked into Chase's mental health benefits and it seems like as of the new year we get 90% of the cost of therapy or counseling visits covered, with 5 visits to practitioners within their company network free yearly. I definitely need to look into it since I have no excuse now.

Sara has been on the mind a lot lately. I realized that I'm frustrated because the computer in me can't get enough of her (we empathize with each other's life situations and troubles, we share a lot of interests, we want the same things out of a relationship), but the monkey in me doesn't feel much. I hate to admit it, but I'm kind of a slave to that monkey. Also when I see her I feel myself get nervous and I can't tell why. I think a lot about what I should say to her whenever she's around.

I actually asked her to play video games together and it was a great time. I guess a big reason was playing games again (clicking on heads is satisfying), but it was surreal getting to talk to a friend at the same time since I never play with others. For as happy as I was though, I felt just as sad when she had to stop. It reminded me of being a dog around girls I liked, always eager to hang out and constantly missing them, which was strange deja vu and not necessarily a good thing.

Volleyball was a roller coaster this week. One day was so bad that I got laughed at and actually questioned my life choices. It was hard coming to terms with the fact that I may not be playing the game for entirely good reasons (it just feels good to play well and feels awful making mistakes and failing my team) when I'd like to be playing to improve as a player, as a person, and stay active.

I dug deep because of that day and realized that I just want people to feel some kind of positive emotion because of me. I guess that can come from being a good teammate or from being a good friend. The outcome may be good, but it doesn't seem right to be a nice person because it makes me feel good instead of acting solely out of concern for others. Being appreciated for usefulness makes me feel good, especially when I'm not sure that I'd be appreciated for just being myself. I guess you could say I'm a good dog.

After that terrible volleyball day though, I had a great one. Pumping myself up with music (Bunker Buster VIP makes me feel something) worked well despite traffic, and the whole team was chattier than usual, even talking personally between games. I didn't play my best (asked not to receive serves eventually), but I was surprised at how good my defense was (good in/out calls, standing in the right spot) and we even had a rare win.

That night Anthony also visited the DIVA games and put in a good word for me to DJ, someone I met when we refereed together, to join his private group to do clinics and play together. After everything some people brought their friends and we played around before the gym closed, which was so fun that I realized I was starved from the game and the official ones weren't enough.

Over the weekend I went to the clinic day (they call it the Sunday Service for some reason). In the morning we worked on fundamentals: serving, serve receive, defensive placement for all positions, and shifting over to defend against different opponent hitters. Later more people came to play games and it was nice getting to meet a lot of faces I see at DIVA and play close games. I even got invited to play with some of them in a tournament in Houston, but I'm not sure what I'll do since I'd have to play middle and get switched out for a libero. I also had my shoe come off (back middle in black https://youtu.be/Cngo8TPNbrw?t=1255), which was funny content.

I'm still seeing a lot of life through the lens of humans just being animals trying to feel good. It seems so easy to be stimulated with entertainment and food as accessible as ever. It makes me wonder if time spent playing games is "wasted" relative to something physical like volleyball since sports at least get us to be less sedentary.