Heart vs Mind

What do you do, when something so significant happens, it changes the core of who you are? And you are no longer sure of what you want?

When I was 15, I got in a relationship with an 18 year old, who - just like everyone else - was a horny teenager and wanted to corrupt my innocence. He was passionate about what he wanted, if he had his mind set on kissing someone, he really was going to. And he succeeded in seducing me - completely. I felt like a princess around him, especially because he seemed popular. Later on, I found out I was more or less a rebound, and he had issues committing to me. While I wanted to get into a steady relationship, he was still sleeping around with a lot of other girls. Officially we were friends with benefits, but I always thought there was something more between us, and I always hoped he would mature. I never really had the strength to leave him, until he told me in my face he didn't want me any more. It drove me completely insane, that's how much it hurt. He was my first in a lot of things, but looking back at it, he wasn't even that good at sex really. However, I am an extremely loyal person, which I think is the reason I stuck with him for so long. That loyalty and commitment felt meaningless when he broke it off.

A year later, I began developing feelings for my best friend, who at his core was the complete opposite of what my ex was. He was calm, as loyal as a puppy, always focused on logic. We have been together for 5 years so far, and we have been living together for 3 years now. There are a few things in which we differ greatly: I am very emotionally sensitive, my highs and lows are really high and low. He is the exact opposite, he keeps all emotions inside and has a wall built around him. There are also huge differences in how we were raised, my mom always encouraged me to be open-minded, to do what I feel is right and ignore society's views, while his parents are Christian and raised him very strict, teaching him how to fit into society. It is as they say, the way we are raised makes us who we are.

Half a year ago, I still had everything perfect. Then everything changed. One night, a very drunk night, I was anonymously chatting with this guy and he was teasing me a lot, making me so fucking horny. This guy is just as emotionally sensitive as me, which is both a good and bad thing. Everything is explosive with us. He is able to feel my highs and lows like no one else can. What followed, was a very long on-off-on-off long distance relationship, in which we regularly sexted. During that time, my boyfriend paid little to no attention to me, at times I felt like he didn't even know I existed, but I stayed with him because of loyalty. Both my boyfriend and my lover have said to me they wouldn't know what to do without me, that I am everything to them.

Am I cheating? What good does it do telling my boyfriend? Now, when I google these things, the cheater always comes out as the wrongdoer. I understand I have entirely myself to blame for being stuck in this situation. They say, when someone cheats, you don't really love and respect the person you are with. But is that really true? Can I not love them both, each in a different way?

The brain is split in two; you have the logical side and the emotional side. People always say 'follow your heart', right? It's not so easy. Let's begin with what is logical. My lover is married and is 25 years older than me. He is in an unhappy marriage, but I would never ask him to break his marriage for me. We have never met each other, and even though nwe do know each other's real names, we have had voice calls and seen each other's faces and bodies, we still have the computer screen protecting us and hiding a part of us that can only be revealed when you really are face-to-face with someone. This means my idea of who he is might be completely off. He also lives in a different country than me. Based on that, the choice should be easy. And I did choose. I mentioned we are having an on-off-on-off relationship. I chose my boyfriend several times, I told him again and again and again I couldn't stand cheating any more. But then I start missing him, and missing how he makes me feel. I'm in the same room as my boyfriend, and we are in a completely different world, and I miss the affection. My boyfriend is calm, predictable. My lover is passionate, a surge of emotions, sometimes he is even a little dangerous. My boyfriend is purely vanilla, while my lover is a Dominant, and he helped me learn more about myself and he is the only one I have felt comfortable being a submissive with so far. I can be myself around him. I prefer not going into the D/s dynamic too deep yet, because that is not why this relationship with my lover is special. I can find another caring Dominant, yet I don't want to. I can teach my boyfriend the same tricks, yet I don't want to. Our relationship is special because it means a lot to me. So, as you may notice, I feel like my heart belongs to my lover, yet we have so many complications and our relationship is not sustainable in long-term, my mind is telling me to let go of him. I have never been a cheater before. I know that if I stay away from him, the feelings will fade. It's only difficult because I give a lot of meaning to it, and if I let my feelings fade, it will be easier. I know it should be an easy choice, but I'm making it complicated, because I feel so much when I am with him, and I love it.

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