Sarah

@Sarah

I'm 22 years old, submissive, struggling with a moral dilemma regarding my relationship and sex, please don't judge. Content is 18+.

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So many doubts

I've been binging "The Affair", and I'm seeing so many similarities. (Maybe spoilers, I watched until ep. 5)

I can't figure out what I want. One moment, I am talking to my lover and I am feeling really great, happy, thinking I should be with him. But then he gets busy and we don't talk for a long while, and I start doubting myself.

Just because once he meant a lot to me, and once he made me feel amazing, doesn't mean he still is that same person now. I tried communicating more with my boyfriend, and showing him more of my emotional side, and while he continues supporting me... My lover has only been interested in sex, and ignored me whenever I got anxious and wanted to talk about other things. I continue feeling guilty for not being able to say the whole truth to my boyfriend, and I feel guilty not being able to love every aspect of him. Should I love everything about him?

I probably would not be the first person to say "I still do love him, I am just not in love with him any more". But is that statement really true? When you love someone, you don't cheat on them, right? And I have always been a loyal person, I don't believe someone ever has a good motivation to cheat. Then why am I doing it? What makes it so difficult to stay away from my lover? Practically, I would only need to block him from my phone, because we barely see each other really anyway. But emotionally, I... I can't put it in words, but there's just something keeping me with him, I don't know.

During long periods of silence, I always get insecure. I feel like my lover is ignoring me, playing with me, I feel like he doesn't care as much about me as I care about him, really. I feel like his passion for me, that he falsely calls love, could be more about himself than about me.

He says I am amazing, special. It could just be a way to raise his own ego, because he gets to be with an amazing, special girl. And while I do think I am unique, I don't think I am any more special than other girls. I think he actually felt special because he was my first in many things, he could do with me what no one else had done before. And now that I am learning my boyfriend how to do it, he is losing interest.

On top of that, I am a pleaser, a true submissive, and I know how easy it is for other people to take advantage of that. I would do anything for the people I care about, I would take secrets to my grave if it was to protect someone else. What if my lover realizes this too, and is just using me? And why is it still so fucking difficult to let go of my lover, even if he is using me? Why do I keep feeling attached to him?

Waiting

I can feel my body getting heavy, my mind getting distracted, clouded, filling with worries.

Yesterday was my lover's last holiday. I know he should be back at work now. I told myself I would try to continue focusing on my own things, but I can't help wondering why he isn't sending me a message. I think about the last things I said to him, and I start doubting myself. Maybe I scared him off. Maybe I really lost him this time, because being together was too complicated. I can feel my eyes getting watery as I am typing this. Fuck.

Maybe he doesn't know what to say, or maybe he doesn't know how to contact me. Maybe he wants to wait until my graduation, because he doesn't want to distract me. I don't know what is going on, and it bothers me. The expectation of receiving a message and then not getting it makes me worried.

Do I have the right to expect this of him? I told him to message me when he got back and had more time for me, so that means he doesn't have time still. What would happen if I force him to reply? It will make him dislike the time he has to spend with me, and that's not what I want, for both of us. So I just need to be patient.

Relationship vs Friendship

Actually, the situation isn't all that weird. Many are in similar ones, just like me, who will be able to relate. Imagine being in a steady, long-term relationship and suddenly your best friend tells you he has feelings for you. What do you do? Sure, the situation is not exactly the same, but it is never exactly the same. There will be people who can relate. Especially when the relationship is going through a rough patch, we are vulnerable to temptation.

If I was the friend, a really good friend, I would want her to stay with her boyfriend. Though of course I will be there to comfort her if it does go wrong, and I would love having intimacy with her, I wouldn't want her to break her relationship just for me. If I was the boyfriend, I would want her to talk to me about what is going on and I would figure things out together. If I was the girl... That's who I am in my situation. What would the girl do? What should she do? I would say she is in a relationship for a reason, and she shouldn't forget the good things she already has. This girl focuses a lot on negative things, so it is easy for her to lose sight of things that are going well. But... There is temptation, and she is very weak to it. Both having the secret, both knowing something no one else knows, bonds them together.

Scratch that...

Alright, I've come to a new realization. I think the reason my lover means more to me than my boyfriend does, is because we started off talking anonymously. Being anonymous has huge advantages too, I could be completely myself, I had no fear of judgement. In the real world, I always kept a part of me hidden, even from my boyfriend, the guy who knew me best. So naturally, as my lover started to get to know me better and better, I felt like he loved me more powerfully, more intensely. He accepted all of me, even the bad things. What about my boyfriend? I never showed him the truly bad parts of myself, thus he couldn't learn to accept them either. But what if I did? What if I did embrace who I was completely. Then, two things can happen: 1. He gets to know the real me and he will accept me, or 2. He gets to know the real me and he will leave me. Not showing him the real me is what caused the cheating - because I was missing a vital part in our relationship, because he didn't know I was lacking it. And I don't think he will ever leave me.

This problem is the same with my lover. He feels connected to me, because I know and accept everything of him. He hides his dominance from his wife, who doesn't like submission. This is what causes the relationship to slowly deteriorate, because you always feel like something is missing. I don't know her personality, I do know that every time I tried to help my lover 'fix' things with his wife, he always has said he didn't want it to be fixed.

Do I want my relationship fixed? What do I want? Who do I really want to be with?

Honesty vs Happiness

Even though humans naturally prefer being honest and genuine all the time, we often tell little white lies to save ourselves or each other from embarrassment, humiliation or protect us from pain. Is there ever a situation in which lying is better than telling the truth?

How many people don't have secrets - none at all? Not a single one? How many people can say they can tell their partner literally everything? I was like that with my boyfriend. I told him everything. He knows almost everything. He knows I miss him and that I would like him to be more passionate. He knows I am interested in D/s dynamics. He knows I am curious about being with other people, who can give me new experiences. The only thing he doesn't know, is that I have already found someone else.

Things have gotten even more complicated now. My lover got busy with work, and it was too difficult for me chatting only once in a while, I'd start missing him too much. So we are on a break again, and I've asked him to contact me when he has more time. While we are on this break, my boyfriend turned things around now that he has finished his studies. He pays more attention to me now, he asks me things about D/s, he cares about the things I like. I always answer as honest as possible, so basically I am now training my boyfriend to be the type of Dominant I am into. Still something doesn't feel right, because my boyfriend is not my lover. At their cores, they are two very different individuals.

How can I be so selfish and still not completely break things off with my lover, after everything my boyfriend is willing to do and change for me? Because of the attachment I feel. If the break is going to last long, maybe it will make the decision to break it off easier. I need all three of us to be happy. I am a submissive by nature, I like making others happy. I need all three of us happy. Maybe it's a good thing my lover got busy with work, that means he found something else to be passionate about. Maybe it's a good thing I had this experience, in the end it did improve my relationship with my boyfriend. I don't know if me and my lover could ever be just friends, but I do feel like I owe him a lot, he taught me a lot and helped me realize my worth. He helped me through difficult periods when my boyfriend couldn't. But if my lover doesn't want me any more, then I can't force him to stay with me. Now, my lover got busy the same way my boyfriend did. And I wouldn't cheat on my lover. I know he would be really upset about that. But I did cheat on my boyfriend. What is the difference? My lover feels explosively, that's the main difference. I can't teach my boyfriend how to be like that, it's something he can never change.

Heart vs Mind

What do you do, when something so significant happens, it changes the core of who you are? And you are no longer sure of what you want?

When I was 15, I got in a relationship with an 18 year old, who - just like everyone else - was a horny teenager and wanted to corrupt my innocence. He was passionate about what he wanted, if he had his mind set on kissing someone, he really was going to. And he succeeded in seducing me - completely. I felt like a princess around him, especially because he seemed popular. Later on, I found out I was more or less a rebound, and he had issues committing to me. While I wanted to get into a steady relationship, he was still sleeping around with a lot of other girls. Officially we were friends with benefits, but I always thought there was something more between us, and I always hoped he would mature. I never really had the strength to leave him, until he told me in my face he didn't want me any more. It drove me completely insane, that's how much it hurt. He was my first in a lot of things, but looking back at it, he wasn't even that good at sex really. However, I am an extremely loyal person, which I think is the reason I stuck with him for so long. That loyalty and commitment felt meaningless when he broke it off.

A year later, I began developing feelings for my best friend, who at his core was the complete opposite of what my ex was. He was calm, as loyal as a puppy, always focused on logic. We have been together for 5 years so far, and we have been living together for 3 years now. There are a few things in which we differ greatly: I am very emotionally sensitive, my highs and lows are really high and low. He is the exact opposite, he keeps all emotions inside and has a wall built around him. There are also huge differences in how we were raised, my mom always encouraged me to be open-minded, to do what I feel is right and ignore society's views, while his parents are Christian and raised him very strict, teaching him how to fit into society. It is as they say, the way we are raised makes us who we are.

Half a year ago, I still had everything perfect. Then everything changed. One night, a very drunk night, I was anonymously chatting with this guy and he was teasing me a lot, making me so fucking horny. This guy is just as emotionally sensitive as me, which is both a good and bad thing. Everything is explosive with us. He is able to feel my highs and lows like no one else can. What followed, was a very long on-off-on-off long distance relationship, in which we regularly sexted. During that time, my boyfriend paid little to no attention to me, at times I felt like he didn't even know I existed, but I stayed with him because of loyalty. Both my boyfriend and my lover have said to me they wouldn't know what to do without me, that I am everything to them.

Am I cheating? What good does it do telling my boyfriend? Now, when I google these things, the cheater always comes out as the wrongdoer. I understand I have entirely myself to blame for being stuck in this situation. They say, when someone cheats, you don't really love and respect the person you are with. But is that really true? Can I not love them both, each in a different way?

The brain is split in two; you have the logical side and the emotional side. People always say 'follow your heart', right? It's not so easy. Let's begin with what is logical. My lover is married and is 25 years older than me. He is in an unhappy marriage, but I would never ask him to break his marriage for me. We have never met each other, and even though nwe do know each other's real names, we have had voice calls and seen each other's faces and bodies, we still have the computer screen protecting us and hiding a part of us that can only be revealed when you really are face-to-face with someone. This means my idea of who he is might be completely off. He also lives in a different country than me. Based on that, the choice should be easy. And I did choose. I mentioned we are having an on-off-on-off relationship. I chose my boyfriend several times, I told him again and again and again I couldn't stand cheating any more. But then I start missing him, and missing how he makes me feel. I'm in the same room as my boyfriend, and we are in a completely different world, and I miss the affection. My boyfriend is calm, predictable. My lover is passionate, a surge of emotions, sometimes he is even a little dangerous. My boyfriend is purely vanilla, while my lover is a Dominant, and he helped me learn more about myself and he is the only one I have felt comfortable being a submissive with so far. I can be myself around him. I prefer not going into the D/s dynamic too deep yet, because that is not why this relationship with my lover is special. I can find another caring Dominant, yet I don't want to. I can teach my boyfriend the same tricks, yet I don't want to. Our relationship is special because it means a lot to me. So, as you may notice, I feel like my heart belongs to my lover, yet we have so many complications and our relationship is not sustainable in long-term, my mind is telling me to let go of him. I have never been a cheater before. I know that if I stay away from him, the feelings will fade. It's only difficult because I give a lot of meaning to it, and if I let my feelings fade, it will be easier. I know it should be an easy choice, but I'm making it complicated, because I feel so much when I am with him, and I love it.