I can feel my body getting heavy, my mind getting distracted, clouded, filling with worries.
Yesterday was my lover's last holiday. I know he should be back at work now. I told myself I would try to continue focusing on my own things, but I can't help wondering why he isn't sending me a message. I think about the last things I said to him, and I start doubting myself. Maybe I scared him off. Maybe I really lost him this time, because being together was too complicated. I can feel my eyes getting watery as I am typing this. Fuck.
Maybe he doesn't know what to say, or maybe he doesn't know how to contact me. Maybe he wants to wait until my graduation, because he doesn't want to distract me. I don't know what is going on, and it bothers me. The expectation of receiving a message and then not getting it makes me worried.
Do I have the right to expect this of him? I told him to message me when he got back and had more time for me, so that means he doesn't have time still. What would happen if I force him to reply? It will make him dislike the time he has to spend with me, and that's not what I want, for both of us. So I just need to be patient.