I've been binging "The Affair", and I'm seeing so many similarities. (Maybe spoilers, I watched until ep. 5)
I can't figure out what I want. One moment, I am talking to my lover and I am feeling really great, happy, thinking I should be with him. But then he gets busy and we don't talk for a long while, and I start doubting myself.
Just because once he meant a lot to me, and once he made me feel amazing, doesn't mean he still is that same person now. I tried communicating more with my boyfriend, and showing him more of my emotional side, and while he continues supporting me... My lover has only been interested in sex, and ignored me whenever I got anxious and wanted to talk about other things. I continue feeling guilty for not being able to say the whole truth to my boyfriend, and I feel guilty not being able to love every aspect of him. Should I love everything about him?
I probably would not be the first person to say "I still do love him, I am just not in love with him any more". But is that statement really true? When you love someone, you don't cheat on them, right? And I have always been a loyal person, I don't believe someone ever has a good motivation to cheat. Then why am I doing it? What makes it so difficult to stay away from my lover? Practically, I would only need to block him from my phone, because we barely see each other really anyway. But emotionally, I... I can't put it in words, but there's just something keeping me with him, I don't know.
During long periods of silence, I always get insecure. I feel like my lover is ignoring me, playing with me, I feel like he doesn't care as much about me as I care about him, really. I feel like his passion for me, that he falsely calls love, could be more about himself than about me.
He says I am amazing, special. It could just be a way to raise his own ego, because he gets to be with an amazing, special girl. And while I do think I am unique, I don't think I am any more special than other girls. I think he actually felt special because he was my first in many things, he could do with me what no one else had done before. And now that I am learning my boyfriend how to do it, he is losing interest.
On top of that, I am a pleaser, a true submissive, and I know how easy it is for other people to take advantage of that. I would do anything for the people I care about, I would take secrets to my grave if it was to protect someone else. What if my lover realizes this too, and is just using me? And why is it still so fucking difficult to let go of my lover, even if he is using me? Why do I keep feeling attached to him?