June 24, 2019•307 words
Alright, I've come to a new realization. I think the reason my lover means more to me than my boyfriend does, is because we started off talking anonymously. Being anonymous has huge advantages too, I could be completely myself, I had no fear of judgement. In the real world, I always kept a part of me hidden, even from my boyfriend, the guy who knew me best. So naturally, as my lover started to get to know me better and better, I felt like he loved me more powerfully, more intensely. He accepted all of me, even the bad things. What about my boyfriend? I never showed him the truly bad parts of myself, thus he couldn't learn to accept them either. But what if I did? What if I did embrace who I was completely. Then, two things can happen: 1. He gets to know the real me and he will accept me, or 2. He gets to know the real me and he will leave me. Not showing him the real me is what caused the cheating - because I was missing a vital part in our relationship, because he didn't know I was lacking it. And I don't think he will ever leave me.
This problem is the same with my lover. He feels connected to me, because I know and accept everything of him. He hides his dominance from his wife, who doesn't like submission. This is what causes the relationship to slowly deteriorate, because you always feel like something is missing. I don't know her personality, I do know that every time I tried to help my lover 'fix' things with his wife, he always has said he didn't want it to be fixed.
Do I want my relationship fixed? What do I want? Who do I really want to be with?