The Devil's Dictionary

noun

1. A self-administered postnatal abortion.

noun

1. A medical procedure used to treat acute spermatozoa infection.
2. Assisted prenatal suicide.
3. The right of a foetus to murder its mother.

noun

1. A parasitic infection caused by the spermatozoon parasite (commonly found in unsterile semen). Although spermatozoa are present in the bodies of most adult males, they are generally asymptomatic, and acute infections only develop in women.

adjective; noun

1. Addicted to abstinence.
2. A device used to measure flatness, popular within the round earth movement.

verb

1. To bludgeon oneself with a book, often to death.

noun

1. A synthesis of general mysticism with an elaborate regimen of bodily postures designed to make the practitioner look as silly as possible.

2. The unofficial religion of the indigenous White Chick.

Woman
noun

1. A wild animal of the homo genus, requiring a permit to keep in captivity.

Wife
noun

1. A woman for which one has acquired a permit.

adjective

1. To have one's cake and fuck it too.

noun

1. A political system opposed to politics and systems.

noun

1. The eschatological element of the Neo-Hippie Cult, through which it is prophesied that the Last Judgement will be enacted.
2. A set of superstitious beliefs purporting the existence of weather.

noun

1. A toxic substance used in the pest control industry to combat shrew infestations. The toxin acts on the sensory receptors of the shrew, causing it to become confused and unbalanced.
2. A highly addictive drug that produces dependence in the (un)fair sex.
3. One of the two most pervasive disorders afflicting the human animal (the other being femininity).

noun

1. A commodity for which the supply outweighs the demand by roughly seven and a half billion to one.
2. A self-conscious lie disguised as a subjective truth.
3. The most common item given as charity.

noun

1. The only known cure for the curious malady of life.

noun

1. Mummified love.
2. A widely practiced form of tax evasion.
3. A sacrificial ritual performed in order to appease the God of Loneliness.
4. The third month of pregnancy.
5. A mathematical paradox in which the sum of two wholes make less than one.

noun

1. A government of some people, by other people, for neither people.
2. A state governed entirely by chance.
3. A kind of high stakes gambling popular in Russia.

noun

1. A person who flattens literalisms by applying heat with a device known as an iron.