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The Devil's Dictionary

This is how I manipulate you.

Dog

noun

  1. A descendent of the wolf, selectively bred to be kicked instead of one's wife.
  2. Man's least enemy.

Ismism/Ismist

Ismism
noun

  1. Any word ending in ism. Such as humanism, magnetism and post-duckism.
  2. A political philosophism relating, mainly, to itself.

Ismist
noun

  1. A person with the propensity to ism.

A Fork in The Road¿

I'm taking a break from my usual content to make a public service announcement. More Devil's Dictionary to come, don't worry!

Welcome to Reality™ version [we-stopped-counting]. You may have noticed a slight disturbance at 2022:01:18 23:59:59 UTC. This was not glitch. At that moment Reality™ was forked for the #### time. You are still in the original version. We took this opportunity to apply the following changes:

  • The difficulty index has been increased by 15%.
  • We have entered the 2nd phase of Mania Testing and the Madness Generator is now running at 2/3 capacity.
  • Fixed the bug that was causing llamas to spontaneously juggle when nobody was watching.
  • Colour blind individuals now see green as red instead of red as green.

Thank you for choosing to stay with Reality™.

Have fun and remember: DON'T PANIC!

White

adjective

  1. Black.

Suicide

noun

  1. A self-administered postnatal abortion.
  2. The safeword.

Abortion

noun

  1. A medical procedure used to treat acute spermatozoon infections.
  2. Assisted prenatal suicide.

Pregnancy

noun

  1. A parasitic infection caused by the spermatozoon parasite (commonly found in unsterile semen). Although spermatozoa are present in the bodies of most adult males, they are generally asymptomatic, and acute infections only develop in women.

Straight edge

adjective; noun

  1. Addicted to abstinence.
  2. A device used to measure flatness, popular within the round earth movement.

Study

verb

  1. To bludgeon oneself with a book, often to death.

Yoga

noun

  1. A synthesis of general mysticism with an elaborate regimen of bodily postures designed to make the practitioner look as silly as possible.

  2. The unofficial religion of the indigenous White Chick.

Woman/Wife

Woman
noun

  1. A wild animal of the homo genus, requiring a permit to keep in captivity.

Wife
noun

  1. A woman for which one has acquired a permit.

Bisexual

adjective

  1. To have one's cake and fuck it too.

Anarchism

noun

  1. A political system opposed to politics and systems.

Climate change

noun

  1. The eschatological element of the Neo-Hippie Cult, through which it is prophesied that the Last Judgement will be enacted.
  2. A set of superstitious beliefs purporting the existence of weather.

Masculinity

noun

  1. A toxic substance used in the pest control industry to combat shrew infestations. The toxin acts on the sensory receptors of the shrew, causing it to become confused and unbalanced.
  2. A highly addictive drug that produces dependence in the (un)fair sex.
  3. One of the two most pervasive disorders afflicting the human animal (the other being femininity).

Opinion

noun

  1. A commodity for which the supply outweighs the demand by roughly seven and a half billion to one.
  2. A self-conscious lie disguised as a subjective truth.
  3. The most common item given as charity.