The Devil's Dictionary

noun A descendent of the wolf, selectively bred to be kicked instead of one's wife. Man's least enemy. ...

Ismism noun Any word ending in ism. Such as humanism, magnetism and post-duckism. A political philosophism relating, mainly, to itself. Ismist noun A person with the propensity to ism. ...

I'm taking a break from my usual content to make a public service announcement. More Devil's Dictionary to come, don't worry! Welcome to Reality™ version [we-stopped-counting]. You may have noticed a slight disturbance at 2022:01:18 23:59:59 UTC. This was not glitch. At that moment Reality™ was forked for the #### time. You are still in the original version. We took this opportunity to apply the following changes: The difficulty index has been increased by 15%. We have entered the 2nd phase...

adjective Black. ...

noun A self-administered postnatal abortion. The safeword. ...

noun A medical procedure used to treat acute spermatozoon infections. Assisted prenatal suicide. ...

noun A parasitic infection caused by the spermatozoon parasite (commonly found in unsterile semen). Although spermatozoa are present in the bodies of most adult males, they are generally asymptomatic, and acute infections only develop in women. ...

adjective; noun Addicted to abstinence. A device used to measure flatness, popular within the round earth movement. ...

verb To bludgeon oneself with a book, often to death. ...

noun A synthesis of general mysticism with an elaborate regimen of bodily postures designed to make the practitioner look as silly as possible. The unofficial religion of the indigenous White Chick. ...

Woman noun A wild animal of the homo genus, requiring a permit to keep in captivity. Wife noun A woman for which one has acquired a permit. ...

adjective To have one's cake and fuck it too. ...

noun A political system opposed to politics and systems. ...

noun The eschatological element of the Neo-Hippie Cult, through which it is prophesied that the Last Judgement will be enacted. A set of superstitious beliefs purporting the existence of weather. ...

noun A toxic substance used in the pest control industry to combat shrew infestations. The toxin acts on the sensory receptors of the shrew, causing it to become confused and unbalanced. A highly addictive drug that produces dependence in the (un)fair sex. One of the two most pervasive disorders afflicting the human animal (the other being femininity). ...

noun A commodity for which the supply outweighs the demand by roughly seven and a half billion to one. A self-conscious lie disguised as a subjective truth. The most common item given as charity. ...

noun The only known cure for the curious malady of life. ...

noun Mummified love. A widely practiced form of tax evasion. A sacrificial ritual performed in order to appease the God of Loneliness. The third month of pregnancy. A mathematical paradox in which the sum of two wholes make less than one. ...

noun A government of some people, by other people, for neither people. A state governed entirely by chance. A kind of high stakes gambling popular in Russia. ...

noun A person who flattens literalisms by applying heat with a device known as an iron. ...

noun The putrid discharge of a dying romantic. The primary compound used to coat fly paper. An incurable sexually transmitted disease. An intense feeling of affection for oneself on the behalf of another. A blanket over cold oblivion. ...

noun The inability to pretend otherwise. Unlovable genius. A sort of masochism prescribed by the sadistically stupid. (literally) The boogeyman. Boo! ...

noun; commonly after cart An ambitious donkey. A cunning creature that survives by luring people onto its back. A unit of measure denoting the size of a car's penis (also horsepower). ...

noun An overdue corpse. A derogatory term for an adult homosapien male; derived from woman. (literally) A bag of goo. ...

noun A dead man in denial. A person afflicted with affliction. ...

noun A psychiatric hospital where heterosexuality is treated. ...

adjective Arrogantly modest. Boastfully unassuming. Bashfully haughty. ...

adjective; noun Intelligent in theory. A person who has learned everything they know from a book written by a person who has learned everything they know from a book and so forth; alternatively, a person who writes books about books. A learned bigot. (American) A more or less personable egg. ...

Educate verb To displace a good idea with a convenient one. Education noun An arduous achievement of unlearning whereby free thinking individuals become bigots. Educated adjective To have attained certification of one's ignorance. ...

adjective Open to everything one believes already. ...