T

The Devil's Dictionary

My version of the original masterpiece by Ambrose Bierce.

Masculinity

noun

  1. A toxic substance used in the pest control industry to combat shrew infestations. The toxin acts on the sensory receptors of the shrew, causing it to become confused and unbalanced.
  2. A highly addictive drug that produces dependence in the (un)fair sex.
  3. One of the two most pervasive disorders afflicting the human animal (the other being femininity).

Opinion

noun

  1. A commodity for which the supply outweighs the demand by roughly seven and a half billion to one.
  2. A self-conscious lie disguised as a subjective truth.
  3. The most common item given as charity.

Death

noun

  1. The only known cure for the curious malady of life.

Marriage

noun

  1. Mummified love.
  2. A widely practiced form of tax evasion.
  3. A sacrificial ritual performed in order to appease the God of Loneliness.
  4. The third month of pregnancy.
  5. A mathematical paradox in which the sum of two wholes make less than one.

Democracy

noun

  1. A government of some people, by other people, for neither people.
  2. A state governed entirely by chance.
  3. A kind of high stakes gambling popular in Russia.

Ironist

noun

  1. A person who flattens literalisms by applying heat with a device known as an iron.

Love

noun

  1. The putrid discharge of a dying romantic.
  2. The primary compound used to coat fly paper.
  3. An incurable sexually transmitted disease.
  4. An intense feeling of affection for oneself on the behalf of another.
  5. A blanket over cold oblivion.

Madness

noun

  1. The inability to pretend otherwise.
  2. Unlovable genius.
  3. A sort of masochism prescribed by the sadistically stupid.
  4. (literally) The boogeyman. Boo!

Horse

noun; commonly after cart

  1. An ambitious donkey.
  2. A cunning creature that survives by luring people onto its back.
  3. A unit of measure denoting the size of a car's penis (also horsepower).

Man

noun

  1. An overdue corpse.
  2. A derogatory term for an adult homosapien male; derived from woman.
  3. (literally) A bag of goo.

Hypochondriac

noun

  1. A dead man in denial.
  2. A person afflicted with affliction.

Prison

noun

  1. A psychiatric hospital where heterosexuality is treated.

Humble

adjective

  1. Arrogantly modest.
  2. Boastfully unassuming.
  3. Bashfully haughty.

Intellectual

adjective; noun

  1. Intelligent in theory.
  2. A person who has learned everything they know from a book written by a person who has learned everything they know from a book and so forth; alternatively, a person who writes books about books.
  3. A learned bigot.
  4. (American) A more or less personable egg.

Educate/Education/Educated

Educate
verb

  1. To displace a good idea with a convenient one.

Education
noun

  1. An arduous achievement of unlearning whereby free thinking individuals become bigots.

Educated
adjective

  1. To have attained certification of one's ignorance.

Liberal

adjective

  1. Open to everything one believes already.