Zendo

In 2 months, the line will be severed. Handing in my notice has been 4 years in the making. It astonishes me how the identity still clings. The management understand and show sincerity in their relationship with me. So leaving with grace is vital. Yes, I could send a sign-off email to all my old colleagues, pointing out the dysfunction they participate in. But they already know. They don't care. Or being told would only add more weight to the pressure they feel. Also, do I owe them a warning?...

My friend needed help. His landlord's freehold agent is being an arse. I got involved a bit , just helping him draft emails to relevant parties. That's what it looks like to my friend. For me, it's been a few hours reviewing the Renters' Rights Act, leasehold and freehold rules, and getting my head around the Tenant Fees Act. I find myself getting sucked back into the world of advocacy. It comes from a place of lower volume, but it's a thread I need to be aware of. It seems when one starts, an...

The chairs sat in crescent shape. People will find it easier to get in the room. Three men. I was leading for the first time. "How are you out of 10?" The rules: speak when you hold the ball, no cross talk, no solution, no fixing, no religion or politics. I was leading this, training my advocacy self not to find solutions, not to offer a way out of pain. Just presence within masculine energy. Authentic lives offered. Gratitude shared. Personal healing declared. "How are you now?" Better, t...

Time has lapsed. Words have not been formed. I sat with my manager. He offered the sun for me to return to work. I nodded, but committed nothing. He sent me the summary in writing. He was thorough and supportive. To the outside world, I have the best opportunity to return to a salary and use the time to find something else. The building makes me feel sick. The pretending makes me feel diseased. My eyes are becoming clear. I am closer to putting down my old performance. It's a matter of days...

It's been 3 days. The heat today subsided, so I took to my heels through city streets and parklands. The breeze fed me. My feet met the ground. I smiled at people as they passed. I took rest at a cafe for breakfast, watching the world come and go. I recognise my need to consume this way. I enjoy being served food and drink, a final thread of my salaried lifestyle that fed into my dopamine addictions. With reduced income for the foreseeable future, the reaction to cafe spending could be tyranni...

I lay there, feeding on YouTube video after YouTube video. Gorging myself on my echo chambers while my aching head did just that – ache. The day felt wasted, with no real reflection or lesson learned. Just other people's streams of consciousness injected into my eyeballs to numb my discomfort. The lines are wafer thin between insightful boredom, creative depth, and chloroform for the soul. Moving was not an option. The familiar comfort of my home created a need to stagnate for the day. I beli...

Spending time alone in my flat sheltering from the heatwave. Boredom is becoming instilled in me and I see this as a positive development as it sits me closer to the Tao Te Ching: "…the Sage rules By emptying hearts and filling bellies, By weakening ambitions and strengthening bones; Leads people Away from knowing and wanting; Deters those who know too much From going too far: Practices non-action And the natural order is not disrupted…" When I have nothing but empty time, learning not to fi...

It was hot today. The fan in my home worked well, keeping me cool while giving me calming sounds. a sound I used a lot when my tinnitus arrived back in 2022. The heat, however, seems to slow time and bring out the weird in people. A new thing today: complete strangers are now begging at the checkout to use my Clubcard to get cheaper shopping and afford their vapes. Bristol has some brass-neck beggars, but this felt obnoxious to me. Do I blame the individual in need? Of course not. All I witnes...

When writing, there is often a need to get to a point. If this was life, when would the "point" be? Ambitions achieved, jobs done, people loved, or more bluntly, death. The sentence can only be read when the full stop lands on the page. My mood is low. The summer heat is getting to me, but also a personal lack of resolve. My sugar addiction is not serving me anymore, and I find it so hard to put down. Ingrained, conditioned coping strategies are challenging to release. Seeing the words on the...

Just me sitting here, looking out of the window, getting my thoughts into text seems to be helping me. Daily blog writing is something I always wanted to do. Handwriting ideas and typing them up seems to help me compartmentalise my thoughts better than dictating text. The latter gets forgotten and seems less crafted. I am having days that seem lacking. Half a century of life seems to bring that to the surface, which I welcome. It's time to lack, not plough through things. I regret that a lot of...

I walked along the nave, it was cool compared to the summer heat outside. Arriving at the candle rack, I took a breath. I remembered him: his best and his worst. I set the flame down and bowed my head, in honour of my father. I took a seat in the rear chapel, in front of glowing stained glass windows that depicted the birth, death, and resurrection of Christ. I noted Joseph was present only in the nativity scene, standing behind Mary and her son. I pondered: whatever happened to Joseph? Consid...

I bought a candle today, to honour the death of my consumer addiction. Living in a city while working in a job that burned me out, consumerism became my vice. The money I earned was spent on distraction, hyper-palatable food, and general tat. In my current sabbatical space, the urge to distract arrives during my deepest boredom. Standard loop, I leave the house, I wander into the busy concrete. I convince myself "I need to get out!", which is valid. It does not take long for window shopping a...

I have found potential community, today I completed training for men's mental health charity Talk Club. They presented a structure and support network to allow me to expand my facilitation skills. It's voluntary, which means low pressure. I felt excitement at the idea of being able to serve. Ideas about how much I could do with this started to snowball. I stopped and recognised that I have to take this one step at a time. I just need to engage with the organisational framework and run a group f...

Where do the lessons live on days when movement halts? A question my liminal boredom seems to constantly repeat. Life without "work", one is told, comes with its risks. How is work practically defined in a modern world? Dictionary.com's first definition is: "exertion or effort directed to produce or accomplish something". Indeed, "something". Deep down, who defines the thing? Clearly, I have been churned through a system that provides the illusionary belief that I have a choice, except the cho...

Just like my insulin sensitivity, my sensitivity to boredom has become resistant. Now that I don't have a career that requires me to spend money to distract myself, I am seeing two fundamental issues. It's a win that I am living within my means and don't have the craving to distract. On the flip side, my drive to progress or create comes with tides of psychological impotence. I ask, what do I do when I distraction isn't needed anymore? But fucking hell, I have never felt this bored. I remember...

The purposelessness is challenging. The city feels like a goldfish bowl, full of distractions that enslave rather than serve. In the words of David Byrne of Talking Heads: "How did we get here?" Isolation within the city is magnified. I recognise that. Visiting the libraries removes my loneliness. Why? Well, the people I am sharing the space with are making an effort in some shape or form to expand themselves, be it reading a book, working on a college paper, or even watching a YouTube video. A...

That voice in my head that tells me I should be doing something to progress needs to pipe down. It's taking time and wrestling with an old identity. Purposelessness in the Western world is frowned upon. In Eastern cultures, it holds nobility. How can I just let it be? I have all the time in the world. Even if I don't, the time I have must focus on the nourishment of my soul. The erosion the modern system meets me with does not define me. Peace or attainment? Pick a lane. ...

Burnout managed by leaving the job. Gut issues appear. They have a look, it's a hiatal hernia that eased off as soon as it was confirmed. A little time feeling normal, and then the stress headaches return. Clearly, I have worn myself out, not just through an erosive career but through time. It's important to recognise: I age. The doctor got in touch. Yes, they proactively called me for a review, somewhat unheard of here in the UK. I have seen the same GP for nine months. Like me, she understand...

I woke with aches. I blame my lack of water; my body does not tell me I am thirsty until it craves tea. It's been 10 days of head and neck aches. Health anxiety comes to the surface. The past four years have presented me with a few challenges. As I age, it's whack‑a‑mole. Before all this descended upon me, I facilitated a somatic taster session for a social prescribing group. An open group of people realising they are not the people that the world told them they were. I guided a meditation, gi...