Note 79

I've recently started a new job at a hospital. It pays more than my old job so financially i'm honestly somewhat stable. Lately I've been thinking more about my future and subsequently my past. I've more or less decided that I think medicine is the correct path forward and although I think I could easily be a programmer, I just don't really have the willpower to study and program and do all the other bullshit that comes with it. I'd rather just get a license in some field in medicine and then practice that. Well, not any field. I know I'd LIKE to become a surgeon. But obviously who the fuck knows. Back to the topic at hand though, I just realized that I feel like after getting bullied, I've never really tried to plan for my future. I've never set any long term goals, or had something I was striving for. I was truly just looking for ways to get dopamine easily while existing within certain boundaries. Like I'm not going to be taking any hard drugs or drinking myself to death or anything like that. But playing video games, and just whiling away my time, feeling sorry for myself. It's honestly a hard hole to dig myself out of. I'm effectively starting from zero and I've never really done that before. Obviously not from nothing at all, but realistically speaking I don't have anything to speak for myself. And that is fucking scary!!! Couple that with the fact that I don't really know if this is something that I actually want to do, and now I'm planning on sinking the next 10+ years of my life into it... like what the fuck am I doing right?

Obviously I understand that there is no right answer. The only thing that I can really do is just consistently work at something, regardless of what it is, and it'll pay off eventually. I don't really doubt that, and I think that has shown itself to me empirically many times. So honestly I'm making a big deal out of nothing I suppose. I think I just wanted to vent that I've felt like I've not been making many goals post-bullying. Fuck that guy on god.