twometa

@twometa

#100days challenge #ARTisARTificial

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Day 8

i fell off the streak yesterday. blame it on the sex. it's the something that keeps me motivated and going. it's also a good source for material. and this is what we find surprising. not that our sex life is amazing, but that sex is incredibly taboo in american culture. sex is shown it everywhere, but an honest discussion is hard to come by (pun intended). i never really received any advice, useful information, or helpful tips from my immediate circle of family or friends. most came from the internet and strangers over that internet.

what a beautiful thing, because this kind of information wasn't available freely in any time since human beings began recording their 'history'.
thanks to the internet, i learned about the female anatomy, and how to experiment. i learned how others tried and failed to have great sexual experiences. all through the comfort of my computer. i read as much as i could, and then tried to apply what i learned like a good sexual scientist.

things that worked i made notes of, and things that didn't i ignored, or tried again in a different context, or with a different girl.
but through all this, i noticed a familiar pattern. it seemed like all of the girls i was with dated the same guys, or maybe the same guy.
because they all mentioned how unsatisfied they were with ex-boyfriends or past lovers.

this boggled my mind because little did they know how insecure i was in my own sexual being and practice. but i was willing and eager to learn so i could please them to the best of my abilities. maybe it was them just playing up to my own ego. but each one always seemed shocked when they were able to cum when they were with me. and by looking at the current landscape of sexual 'wellness', it seems a majority of women haven't had a satisfactory sexual experience unless it's been alone during self-play. and even then, it seems some women still can't orgasm!

i've never heard of a dude who can't come. the common trope around women is actually a dude who comes too fast and can't last. so it has been with my current girl as well. apparently she didn't know she possesed a high sex drive, nor did she know she could come from oral and vaginal sex.

this bothers me because it makes me think that there are actual women out there who think they are incapable of having a fun and enjoyable sexual experience with men, and because they are with men, or tolerate such men, they think normal sexual relationships are ones where the guy comes and that's it. that. is. incredibly. sad.

where's the honest communication? why aren't women taking ownership over their own sexual experiences and enjoying it? because if i wasn't enjoying my sex life, i wouldn't start calling women trash or blaming them for my lack of enjoyment. i would start addressing whatever is keeping me from pleasure.

anyways this is now a rant. have fun, and have sex. be in relationships where the human being respects you and trusts you. the sex is much better anyways when your emotional, psychological, and physical energies are working synergestically to push and pull that sexual attraction.

call it next dimensional orgasms, the cosmic kind that stimulate and tillate your mind and body ;)

Day 7

there's multiple realities living within me,
i close my eyes and there's another 'I' i see,
breathing and thinking just like me,
but they're just simulated possibilities,
somethitg like virtual reality,
but something tells me there's a lesson for me,
hidden between the mouth that speaks,
and the brain that eats,
and ears that listen on their own,
kinda like your phone,
recording everything that you do,
leaving bits and pieces of your life like clues
revealing tidbits of what you do,
so start the encryption
and make em work for it,
two factor autthentication
that's the new sensation,
like a pop idol
you pop pills while idle letting your mind run wild,
altering your possibilities
and fucking with your own synchronicities
blocking the creation from fulfilling your mysteries,

Day 6

i keep thinking this just feels weird. as if i am not myself. but i am myself. i am always myself. there is no other self i can be. i can try and adopt some behaviors of others, or to integrate certain values i appreciate in other people into my own life, but i am always going to be myself. and it is my self, and only myself that can change.

just started reading the five second rule by mel robbins. i have no idea who see is or what she does, and frankly, i don't really look at 'accomplishments, titles, or social status' as markers of wisdom. most of the time, i read whatever fascinates me. and today's fascination is this book.

5, 4, 3, 2, 1...go.
apparently that is all it takes to escape the current version of ourselves into the 'greater' version of ourselves. one is filled with doubt, worry, anxiety and lack of confidence and the other is the opposite of that.

i'm going to be trying this rule out, reading the book, in my everyday life decisions. i'll keep a report of where i used the rule in these 100 days posts, and by the end of this challenge, hopefully i'll have a somewhat objective scientific sorta kinda measurement of what has changed. let's do this. day six is now over. on the seventh day the lord rested from his creation, and on the seventh day i will continue writing.

Day 5

day five. almost forgot about you. but here i am. you'll be shorter than the days before. today we went to our first open mic night at our favorite coffee shop. it was alot of fun. one of my coworkers told me about it last week, and i've been bringing it up everytime i've seen her. and today i came through, and she came through and got up on stage to let her poetry out. i've done readings of my work before, and i still get nervous, but i'm able to focus and deliver. i can always get better. and my girl and i have already brainstormed ideas for other performance art, maybe a poetry duet of sorts.

i noticed that most of the writing was amateur, like mine lol. and most of the participants talked about how they've never done this before, and the recurring theme subject of their poetry was depression. it was a beautiful experience because essentially, if i keep going at this, i'll witness the progression of each one's abilities in performance and writing. and that excites me! i love watching people face their anxieties, own the space and get better and confident in themselves. it's amazing to witness. and i'm honored to be a part of this small community. my girl and i are going to video log the next event, and in the meantime we'll keep working on our writings, and i'll be working on my stage presence, voice, and performance poetry. i want to be damn good on stage, and i know it'll translate off. plus it's so fun to work with her like this creatively, especially since she's been inspired to work on her side projects. we want to keep this momentum going, share, get feedback, and get back to working to improve and have fun living our lives, and building community around us.

day five is nice. day six we're going to do our first escape room. live is good. :)

Day 4

so last night i began to drift off into sleep as i was finishing up my day 3 blog post. so i forgot to post it, but i did finish it. so i'm counting it towards my streak. now it's day four and more. work was weird today. had more than a handful of customers be rude and condescending. i've dealt with many people like that in my past, but today struck me odd because it's the first time i've encountered this many people where i made a mental note of it. maybe it's the cold weather wave that's been moving through the mountain? who knows. i've heard people say the weather makes animals act differently. and by differently they usually mean a bit more asshole-ish. same thing with full moons. and i've thought about this, and it seems there's some logic to it.

our bodies are made up of mostly water according to science. the moon phases actually change the flow of tides. cold weather makes animals seek warm shelter. at least it does for humans. bears hibernate in the winter. i wonder if the cold changes how human beings interact with each other? there was a study done on participants where they were asked to rate how they felt about a stranger whom they chatted with. the scientists gave one group a warm cup of drank to hold. others got a cold one. i'm probably butchering the exact details because my memory is hazy, but the general idea is solid.

guess what happened? the people who held the warm drink rated the stranger as friendlier versus the group who didn't, even though the stranger was part of the research team and they treated everyone the same.

the mere presence of the warm drink in the participants hands changed their interpretations of a stranger's interaction with them. if something that small could change one's perception of another human being, can't weather do the same? maybe. maybe that's why i seemed to interpret my exchanges with customers as them being more asshole than friendly. but i was also handling warm drinks most of the time, so who knows?

my girl and i started shooting our first of hopefully many videos for her youtube channel. she's been wanting to do more creative projects, and videography and art have been one of her passions for a while. so it feels good to help her start her endeavor. honestly, it's a blash simply experimenting with her on the different aspects of shooting these videos. mostly she's going for a lifestyle kinda channel, but her interests, and her range of knowledge, seem infinite, so it'll probably be a healthy combination of her passions with maybe a bit of my own, considering we live together in the mountains. as much as we seem to think ourselves islands separated from the ocean of other human consciousness out there, we are easily influenced and swayed by the individuals around us. sometimes it's not obvious, but with enough time, the islands will connect and form bridges.

life has been good out here. one of her friends visited. we played good hosts, and we're trying to show everyone of our friends and family that visit a good time. we try to explain some of the biggest differences between los angeles city life and little mountain town living. probably the biggest (and most welcomed) change we've noticed is how friendly and kind people are up here. we think it's because it's such a small town where most people here either know each other, or of each other, that reputation and character take more of a consideration up here. it's hard to be rude and a piece of shit to someone when you know you'll see each other again. in los angeles, it's rare that you'll keep running into the same people over and over again, so it's easier to be shitty to someone especially knowing you'll never see them again. at least that's our theory. we could be completely wrong.

also, because we are a not of the majority here in terms of race and skin color, we stand out from the locals. people look at us and definitely know we are not from the mountain. but so are many of the people that i meet here. a good portion of them came up here and fell in love. so far, not one person has said anything negative about living here. but like always, i am remaining skeptical but curious about life here. i am trying to observe as much as i can and learn twice as much about the culture here. i think part of what i've always loved about traveling and living in completely unfamiliar environments are the slow, incremental changes in one's way of being. sometimes they are positive, sometimes negative, but always something. and if we're anything like other animal species, the environment will imprint itself into the physical being of an entity, whether it's a bear, tree, or human being. if the cold wasn't brutal, would bears even hibernate and develop such thick and furry bodies?
would trees high up in alpine areas develop thin pine-like needles?
would humans be as warm and friendly?

i have a theory about human beings and their environments. and i think that the more difficult, extreme, and hazardous the environment, the more potential for the human being to develop mental and physical strength. of course, there are always exceptions. but a general rule of thumb would be to welcome the cold and the heat. a human being that stays within comfortable bounds will never find out their true limits, and ultimately, it is those limits that control our potential behaviors and thoughts. the biggest factor are not the thoughts and actions that we can do and think, but the ones we can't even conceive of and lie just outside the reach of our conscious awareness and hence, our potential behaviors and actions.

so i wonder why, out of all the potentials today, i interpreted the actions of a few, as rude. maybe it was the weather. maybe they were rude. or maybe it's my own version of events that made it seem like they were. anyways i'm ranting about this enough. i was hoping to burn out this stream of thought but instead it consumed most of this page. oh well. like in all disciplines, we don't learn by succeeding. we learn by mistakes, and failing. this writing may not have met my expectations or surprised me but at least i got it done. time to go write some poetry.

Day 3

going on the 72th hour, that's seven two hours since the start of this challenge. challenge. what a word. challenges are expectations. expectations that are not being met to our, well, expectations lol. like you all, i have my fair share. and they come in the ways of a woman. it's the first time since my young days of being married that i've made this kind of commitment to someone. the commitment to stick through and weather the emotional ups and downs with a partner. some of the girls from my past would probably say i had commitment issues. maybe. i just never thought they were worth the personal investment to commit to. to make the commitment to someone means that you are emotionally, financially, and psychologically putting in work and energy to help out the other individual.

i guess that's the keyword. investment. we expect (there's that magic word again) that by putting our effort into this individual, our efforts will be rewarded by a bigger return on our original downpayment of energy. where does this idea come from? why do we call relationships, which are always defined in relation to ourselves, because what else is more important than us, something that has to benefit us?

when we look to nature, and all her creations, we see that for the most part, species tend to find an equilibrium of giving and receiving, and these parts are greater than the sum of all. trees, for example, put down roots into soil, which holds the soil, and keeps it from disintegrating into rolling sands. these roots form a network with other plant species, sometimes sharing nutrients from the soil. these roots then extend outward reaching towards the sky receiving sun from our central star, the sun. it just so happens that we human beings conceptualize the root system, the tree trunk, the branches and the leaves as separately functional pieces. when really, they are all the same being.

it's easier for us to think of the world in discrete chunks. it's not as overwhelming. it also helps us process the world. by labeling reality and its many pieces into easily processed words and their meanings, we give ourselves the illusion of knowledge. by calling the leaves of a tree the part of the tree that receives photon energy, we make assumptions as to what is going on. we can't help but to. reality is a vast and sometimes unknowable place that exists both inside and outside time, both in and around space, and everything else in between and outside the boundaries our imaginations fail to reach. but just because we can't conceive of it, nor imagine it, does not make that unknown any less real than the leaves on a tree.

what am i trying to say here? i really don't know. i only know that i am a human being that has invested time and energy into various individuals over the course of my life time hoping to achieve a nice ROI. other times i didn't even want to put in a minimum amount of myself into them. overall, i guess what i'm trying to discover, or rather, decipher, is the current challenges i have before me, because i expect that with enough determination, the little struggles i face on a daily basis become rather obvious challenges that can help grow my own potential as one of many consciousness constructs, in order to reduce the entropy i bring into the world, and help improve the quality of my own relationships, in whatever stages, into fulfilling, loving interactions.

this is day three. and i've already gone back to the voice that lead me on this crazy ass path when i started asking the big questions about life, like what is my purpose here? why am i experiencing reality as such and such, and can this be changed? if so, how?

i used to study cognitive science back in college. now i'm studying life hoping to achieve the degree of understanding that makes that college degree look like some simple piece of paper with fancy text on it. the irony. if only i had the wisdom back then to realize studying the mind from books can only rabbit hole so deep.

Day 2

you can call this day two but i'm going call it just day few.
there's only so many hours in a day that whenever i begin to contemplate the moments i get lost in all the unnecessary details. what really matters? really.
we human beings are an interesting species. and i'm no different, though i find myself rather boring, i find other people fascinating. mostly because i always try to find out what experiences, and their interpretations, led them to those moments where we interact and exchange energy.
that's really what human beings do. they exchange their personal energy with each other. we share bits and pieces of ourselves with others to try to connect, discover and have fun. at least that's what i think we do.

life seems rather funny, in the sense that there seems to be a recurring theme that mostly everything we do doesn't really matter. i spent the better part of today gardening, putting up outdoor LED lights, watering our small garden, and washing our laundry. i only did these things because they needed to be done. after putting up the outdoor lights, we are a bit safer from the onslaught of bugs, skunks and other creatures that might like to head over to our place because of the natural darkness of living in the mountain forest. our dog, her dog really, but my adopted son, got sprayed by a skunk last week because the skunk decided to come strolling through our front yard. for a wild animal to get that comfortable around a human, it needs to hungry, curious, or comfortable. we think this one got comfortable and came to eat our cats food. but now with lights outdoors, most creatures will stay away.
gardening forces me to put the care of mother nature first. and there's a very surreal sense of satisfaction watching once dying plants come alive with deep green leaves and beautiful fragrant flowers. no wonder human beings began domesticating plants such a long time ago. at least that's the way it seems.
and as far as the laundry, well i only did it to avoid yesterday's fiasco of multiple loads and dryer cycles.
these activities took a major portion of the day. i could have not done them. but then i wouldn't have contributed to lessening the entropy of our little mountain home.

and that's really what it seems like i'm doing most of time. i'm trying to lessen the flow of entropy into the surrounding systems i am a living, breathing, active part of, and hopefully one day, i'll be an active participant in life actually creating synergy in the systems of interaction i live in. reality, in whatever shape, form, or matter it takes, is reality. all i can really do is my best to lessen the entropy i encounter and witness, and put in more love.

so this morning i began with a run with our dog. she doesn't like to run. in fact, i think she hates it. and hate is a strong word i don't like to use because it speaks in absolutes and life is anything but an absolute. but i love running. i always have. again i speak in absolutes but i really mean generally i enjoy running. and it's not because i'm good at it (i am), but it's because it feels so natural to do.

i've put on about fifteen pounds of muscle, this past year, give or take a few for fat, and now that i'm a bit bigger, my body needs to really retrain itself in handling itself with this excess weight. so i run with her dog. our dog. i am consciously trying to remember that. he's ours.
but really i'm just reminded at how much i miss my dogs. they're living with my parents right now until i get fencing around our property. i miss them because they are the only reason i am still alive and mentally well right now. what do i mean by that?

i meant that exactly one year ago, and the years before that, i was not in this calm, grateful, and thankful state of being. in fact, i was far from it. i was living, if you can call it that, i was hating my own existence, and finding fault with everything and everyone. this, predictably, was not a fun, nor joyous state of mind to live from. i was consciously alive sure, but inside i felt dead.

but running, and my dogs, changed all that. all it took was making the decision to commit to walking them everyday to the best of my ability. that's it. and i miss them. i miss that. i feel guilty that they are not getting the exercise and socializing that i was trying to provide. dogs, like most animals, don't need to learn how to be themselves. but we humans seem to have forgotten that. how to be ourselves. maybe it's because our cognitive faculties are overdeveloped to the point that we believe the primal and instinctual natures of our being are just that, ancient and primitive, and a more savage, unrefined way to live.

but if anything, that is exactly the kind of thinking that keeps us human beings locked into these cyclical belief systems to only reenforce separation from nature, others, and our environment. when the funny thing about life is, we are all part of life. there is no separation or distinction between us or them. only in the realm of language. do we all have our own unique, quirky and silly identities? sure we do. that is what makes each one of us special.
but does that serve as a reason for our seemingly superior intellect and shitty attitudes towards life and all its creatures?

no. not at all. if anything, knowing we are but one of many many and many forms of consciousness in many many differing stages serves as a reminder that we are all special and not special in the same way all the cells in your body are special but not. each serves a function but if it fails and dies then not a big deal but if a group of them fail and die, or worse, start abusing and mistreating the others what do you call that?

cancer. and a dangerous version of it because it doesn't know it's killing the host which it depends on to survive.

so that's day two. i spent a huge amount of my time doing seemingly mundane tasks. but i did them with the spirit of bringing order to the ever present entropy of life. and i feel good. but i still miss my dogs. they're the ones who taught me about how to live, and why to live. hopefully by the end of this 100 days challenge they'll be back in my life, and we'll be running hills, swimming in rivers, and playing fetch in no time, exchanging loving energy and respect, and enjoying this tiny slice of my reality that i call home.

Day 1

every day is day one. every day is a beginning. and this always feels like a beginning of sorts, whether it's in my writing, in my speaking, in my lifting, in my everything. especially with her. i treat her like it's the first day of everything. i don't want to get complacent. i don't want to get comfortable getting by on getting comfortable. there's a skill to this. and it involves simply letting the fingers do the work. they already know what to type before i even speak it, or voice it in my own head. that's the crazy part. scientists have mapped the electrical signals coming from the motor cortex in our brains and it seems that even before the participants registered that they made a decision to push the button, the scientists knew milliseconds before the participants. they could see in real time the motor cortex light up as the neurons activated the necessary pathways to move the hand to push the button.

what does this mean? well writers love to talk about writer's block. that seemingly all too common occurence of a mind brimming full of ideas and concepts only to forget them all as soon as a paper and pen are available. or in this case, a computer to type all this out. isn't that crazy? i've experienced this.
so this one hundred day challenge should be fun and well, a challenge. and this is precisely the habit i need to develop if i am ever going to be a seriously talented writer and poet. the hours need to be put in. 100 days is 100 hours. do this ten times and we'll have 1000 hours of concentrated, focused writing. surely that alone is enough to produce decent material, not including the hours i've spent amassing a double digit collection of small notebooks littered with poems, short stories, ramblings, and random thoughts on even randomer (or is it more random?) subjects.

truth is nobody cares. this is only for me. this is my way out of this. and my way out i mean a way to give back to the world and community around me. some might love my work and others might hate it. doesn't matter. what matters is that i continue putting in work to make the best writing i possibly can. that's it. that's all i can ever truly ask of myself. 100 days of 100 effort. like my lifting, i should be exhausted and tired, and looking forward to the rest days in between. but there won't be any rest days. only rest hours. in that rest i'll continue, little by little, piece by piece and word by word changing, improving, and modifying my work. that's called revising. editing. rewriting.

i'll be rewriting to rewire my brain. if neuronal pathways can be carved out again and again through learning, then surely i can rewrite myself through my writing. and to think, this is only day one. day 100, i look forward to carving you outta thin air, through the silent medium of my fingers typing away at this keyboard so i can gaze at the immensity of my creativity. or not lol. either way this challenge will be fun. let's begin. day two tomorrow. tonight i'll sleep tucked between my girl's cheeks. she's been lifting consistently since we started dating. and she can only get better in the same way i can.

100days is one hundred nights. maybe my dreams be filled with the lucidity and clarity, and the ability to remember the personal significance of my personal challenges in a way i can overcome my ego, and help become part of the solution, the positive side of being, and lower my spiritual entropy on the road to becoming and being love. that's all that matters anyways. writing is just tool. and it's been my most reliable source of intuitive knowing. here's to opening up more channels in my reality.