2019-05-18 Sometimes we all take massive hits

Dear listed,

I have no idea what the etiquette is for posting more than once a day here. This isn't twitter after all. So I don't really want to turn this into a microblog - tiny little tweets. But why would that matter even if I did? It seems to me that this is a place for sharing life texts. Life thoughts. If those happen to be twice a day then so be it. My own personal 100 days of writing doesn't mean that I only write once a day. (Frankly I skipped a day as work was so busy, I'm not counting) Enough rambling. Enough justifying this text. I'm writing so I'm in control and I can write what I want, and how often I want.

Since I'm in control, I just wanted to say that - everything is ok. Sure we had some rubbish news today. It's a massive setback and I'm absolutely gutted by it. We got on with the day though. Met family, went to a country show, ate some good food, drank some cheap wine. Back for a lovely home cooked Paella. Top notch. Exactly the type of day we both loved. Both will continue to love. But it's sad and it's brutal.

It's brutal because today isn't a normal day. There is no getting around it. We smiled, we loved, we forgot. But the truth is it's still there in the back of our minds. We are back to the start. Trying to build a family. We have the most perfect set-up for that. Lovely home, loving people, time and dedication. Biology has taken it's toll. Hindsight is a wonderful thing, but it's totally brutal because there is no way back. This is maybe too cryptic, as I'm still learning my comfort level on what to share.

I feel I could be writing a book here. A book of my life. Well not my full life, my life from now onwards. If I think in those terms then I don't mind sharing more personal stuff. One day I won't be here, but these words might persist. Why should I worry about being brutally authentic in these words now, if these words might be the only words that survive my mortal existence. I type therefore I am. At least for now. Enough rambling.

It's pretty clear to me that I'm using this platform to both talk to me and talk to you. Hey you - thanks for reading to this point. It's been a rubbish week for me. I'm generally mr positive; in work, in life, in everything. But not always, sometimes we all take some massive hits. Big ones - massive sucker punches.

Shit news means I'm typing. I've got no idea if I want this place to be a venting place for words. Or a happy place. Or any other number of emotions. Does anonymity get us to rant more? I'm generally more positive online. Almost candy floss positive. I don't swear online. Life is awesome online or so it seems. I really don't want this fantastic platform then to descend into a series of negativity for me. I want this journal - these words to be balanced. Totally balanced - open pure and authentic.

Life today was shit. A really awful day that was sugar coated in the best way we could, but getting out into the world and enjoying what we had. We still smiled and we loved. Sacred are those moments. Take someone you love and just spend a moment to smile with them.

In my last post (are these even posts?) I wrote some seriously personal stuff. Incredibly personal stuff, and everyone is using listed for different things, and what's personal to one person seems trivial for another. It seems I have so much to write about if only I open up. I did open up a rawness an openness and it felt right at the time. I might regret it in the future, who knows. But what is done is done. I'm done, I'm done with today, it's been a rubbish day that we made the best of. Tomorrow is a new day so let's crack on with that,,

Bye and thanks listed.


More from Winston Smith