Uplink

@uplink

The less you know about me the more I reveal. #100days

21,365 words

Guestbook

2019-12-16 Had it with Coud Services

I have truly had it with cloud storage services after me last experience of PCloud. This on the surface seemed like a good service. However it's just been a nightmare. Everything from ba syncs to data loss.

Honestly I've been thinking this for some time, but I'm just gonna buy a couple of portable hard drives and have that as my back-up service.

On the face of it PCloud was decent. Good value for the year, a fairly decent app and the desktop virtual drive seemed to work ok. In fact that was one of the best parts. Could have a virtual drive with up to 2TB of storage available on my work mac. The problem was that when I inspected a couple of folders several of my photos were missing. Not good! Not good at all, the whole point of cloud storage is to have the ability to safely store things like photos. A further problem was that a folder I deleted kept reappearing. What is that all about? I'd delete the folder, both on the desktop and on my mac, then boom. There it was back again. That is a proper pain in the arse. I have no confidence in this service going forwards. All I wanted was a safe place for my files. Especially Photos and Video.

All this after spending nearly two weeks of constant upload to get 300GB into the cloud on my slow home broadband connection.

I tried Smugmug, Flickr, Google Photos, Dropbox, Piwigo. So far nome of them have been perfect. I guess most of these aren't really back-up solutions, so I can't complain.

So I think I'm done with cloud services. Sure a portable hard drive is going to fail, or get lost or destroyed. I'll of course have to have a separate back-up of these files. So far I've tried a lot of options. The only benefit cloud has given me so far is access to my files on my mobile. I think of the times I've needed to access my files from my phone remotely and its so rare. So I think a portable HDD is the way to go for me. 4TB is a nice chunk of storage for £80.

2019-12-14 I didn't go to the gig

I decided to bail out of the gig. I'd rather have stayed at home than have a two hour round trip to London. A shame as it would have been a nice evening out. I lied and made the excuse that the trains were messed up. I also went to buy a ticket so I could claim my £45 per diem. That is a bit naughty but I don't really care. This company screws people over and I haven't had a pay rise in nearly two years. Well that's unless you count the £400 a year rise I got.

So we stayed in and had a had a chinese instead. This was after we went to the station pub for a bit. Had a few pints there which was nice. It's still pretty sad that I decided to stay at home rather than go out, but that's maybe telling for a lot of my motivation at the moment.

On the whole my motivation seems to have improved somewhat. I'm still hating social media. It's really crap if you ask me. I don't know why I'm bothering with Twitter anymore. Who am I actually speaking too? It's a bullshit echo chamber so I think I'll post there less. My ego has been growing less and less and my need to share my life online is dwindling.

2019-12-10 More lack of motivation

I really feel totally unmotivated by things at the moment. Especially work.. Life just feels terribly unfulfilling. I don't even feel like I want a career any more.

  • Technology is pissing me off - it's too complicated
  • Social media is pissing me off - it's so unauthentic
  • Egos at work are pissing me off - they are total wankers
  • I'm fatter and unfitted than I've ever been
  • The weather is shit and it's dark all the time
  • I don't really have any significant friends
  • I've just returned from Dubai which is the shit hole of humanity.

More on that.

Some how I need to get my mojo back. I'm hoping that I can maybe write my way out of it.

2019-12-13 Thoughts on the General Election

So the conservatives have smashed the general election. Boris defeated Jeremy and gets to gloat in his victory. I was totally divided on this one, and have become pretty disillusioned with the whole thing. I voted, I decided that I should event though I didn't really want to. I would have voted for the Tories as no way was I voting for Labour. But.... Brexit. I voted to stay in the EU so how could I then vote for a party that was going to smash us out of the EU (although I sort of respect democracy so think we should maybe honour the vote to leave).

I voted Lib Dem. A kind of pointless vote really. Firstly it was never going to have an effect in my area. Secondly if they did actually get in power they'd for sure mess things up. So why did I vote that way, was caught in between a rock and a hard place. I voted by post over a week before polling day. That has it's advantages in that I don't have to watch all the dross in the week before the election. Has the disadvantage that if something radical changes I've already cast my vote.

So as I woke to a massive conservative win I had totally mixed feelings, but it wasn't a surprise. L

On Brexit

It's going to happen. We are out of Europe. At least now we will have some sort of closure on what seems to have dragged on for ever. We can say goodbye to our European friends and move on. I think there will still be masses of disruption for years to come. If there was an opportunity to stay I would gladly take it, but now the conservatives are in so let's get it done.

On the NHS

I fear for the NHS. I think the Tories will screw it up somehow. Probably sell bits of off to their mates. This institution is too important to too many people to mess up.

On Labour

They really did manage to right royally mess themselves up in this election. Being accused anti-semites didn't help. I don't really know the basis of this, but it seemed to do some major damage.

On the map

This says a lot about the state of the UK and filter bubbles.

Cities - Labour
Wales - Labour
Countryside - Conservative
Scotland - Wants out

This has always been the same so no real change there, but I does show the fragmentation of the UK. Sure some of these seats are closer than others. I still feel these elections are getting more decisive and nasty than ever.

Other random thoughts

  • The state will get massive new powers. Facial recognition and other intrusive technologies here we come.
  • Boris Johnson in power, this will totally go to his head. This guy is going to be a megalomaniac.
  • The fallout over the next month or so will be all about politics.
  • I bet loads of young people didn't bother to vote.

On the Future

Things will go on and be just fine, I have no doubt about that. The world will keep turning. The UK will still have a decent economy (in part thanks to London). The poor will still get a rough deal like they always do. There will be more moaning and complaining from all sides. I'll avoid the news as much as possible. Being ignorant perhaps is bliss.

So that pretty much rounds off my thoughts on this general election.

2019-12-12 Shooting in Mono

Yesterday I spent the day shooting in mono.

I usually always prefer colour photography, but for some reason yesterday was a black and white day. I think that reflects my mood. I'm not feeling much colour in my life. Infact, as I said yesterday I'm really in a bit of a funk. I know everyone gets like that, but that is unusual for me.

That said, I love the mono shots there is something quite nice about stripping back photography to a raw date of commotion, light and form. Sometimes colour just gets in the way of the story. I want to shoot more black and white. I always revert back to colour as then "I have the option" to convert to B&W, but I never do. When I shoot in B&W (setting to high contrast mono or grainy film preset) I have no choice in going to colour. What is done is done. That is the moment captured.

So back to the funk. What is a funk anyway? Funk is funky, not something bad. But the funk is how I would describe my mood. I badly need to get myself motivated again. I'm hoping that some writing and photography will help. I'm bouncing around with a love hate relationship with social media again. I must install and uninstall Instagram every week. Twitter I'm flirting with again, but I don't know why - for what reason. Plus I'm back here writing again after a long hiatus. I guess I just want to produce stuff and share it. A bit like the black and whit photos. What was the point in shooting them to not share them. A bit like this writing, what's the point in writing it if not to share.

I think overall I just want to be more authentic. Maybe more on that some other time.

2019-12-11 WFH feeling like shit

I have no idea why (that's a lie) but I feel like shit today. I'm not sure why I do it to myself. It's been a bad day overall. My car is totally buggered it is now completely covered in mould. I'm probably going to have to get it scrapped. This is pretty depressing. It's a great car, but water leak damage has been a nightmare. I think I'll just make do without a car. We did with only one car for ages. Still pissed me off the garage couldn't find the fault.

I'm just so tired today. I skipped footy training. I'm getting fat and old. This is not how I want to be. Depressed, lethargic, fat and old.

2020 coming up. I need to change. It has to be time for a change. I can't keep going the way I am for another decade. It's ridiculous. Small gains is what I need. It starts tomorrow. Always tomorrow.

2019-12-10 Dubai is a shithole

Dubai is a shit hole of a country in my opinion. There is nothing but steel, glass, sand and a load of either A. Pretentious arseholes or B. Modern day slaves. I find the whole place pretty disgusting. Sure the weather is nice in the winter compared to Europe but that is it. Honestly I feel like it could be one of the most overrated places on earth. For me it is also describes everything that is wrong with humanity. A land of building more stuff, spend more money, consume more things. The hypocrisy of the place is ridiculous too. No booze, unless it's hidden - and believe me the Emirati drink booze for sure. There is this undertone of oppression of women too which I despise. There is also a massive class divide, both defined by money but also by race - Pakistanis, Indians and others are totally second class citizens and are usually in low paid jobs, over worked and treated like shit.

The Palm is lauded as some paradise island. It's just a gravelly beach surrounded by building sites. The Atlantis at the end is just some over-hyped monstrosity of a hotel, over priced and full of tourists I've rather avoid.

Prostitution is in all the major hotels an on plain sight, and yet shows of public affection between a husband and wife are frowned upon. Again major hypocrisy.

No-one has a story. No-one has a background or history of the place they are staying or working. It's just a multicultural melting pot of people there to consume. There is no history, or if there is it's just buried into oblivion.

I was there on work, but I kind of feel bad for even contributing to that economy. I'm part of the problem not part of the solution. Honestly, when leaving there I was ready to go and felt like shit for being a human. I also started to feel more resentment for other humans. Just looking around at everyone in their designer gear, label fiends. Sure I got to go there for work, but it's not somewhere I would travel under my own choice.

I've travelled to Dubai three times and it doesn't get any better. Each time I travel, I'm just thrilled to get out of there. I honestly can't see the attraction. If meet someone who loves the place, I really start to question their judgement. Sure this is pretty judgemental of me, but fuck it this is how I feel and my opinion is my opinion. Honestly, if you are thinking of travelling to that hell hole. Just don't bother.

2019-10-06 Netbook thoughts, plus a family out on their tablets

2019-10-06 Netbook thoughts, plus a family out on their tablets

So I'm typing this on my little netbook toy laptop again. Just using a simple notepad text editor. I'll then paste into standard notes. I still like standard notes, but I still prefer plain text files for longevity. They really will be fully functioning in years to come. I also love that I can use any text editor of my choice to edit these files. This works the best for me. I do love standard notes and the encryption it offers, but I just fell in love with plain text files a few years ago, so I’ll probably just keep everything in that format as I go forwards. There really isn’t a better way to journal in my opinion, especially if all I’m doing is typing plain text.

Weird Family

We went out for a drink at a local boozer. We love that pub especially after a ncie walk with the doat down and there was this really weird family next to us. Husband, Wife, Son, Daughter. g. SAll of them around a table with their iPads on the table looking at the screens. The dad even had his headphones in to watch some video. The mum was shopping for shoes. I don’t know what the kids were watching or gaming. We spoke to them briefly (before they put their heads back down into their tablets. They couldn’t have a dog as they both worked full-time. How mental is that, they work all week away from their kids and yet they then spend the weekend in a really nice boozer looking at iPads each. I guess that’s the modern way of the world. I don’t see that very often which is good. I know I shouldn’t be judgemental and let’s face it we all use our tech all the time, but there have to be some times that are sacred, especially times out and about. Maybe they are all tuned in to each other when at home and this is their special time out when they can all sit on their devices. Maybe I’m just old fashioned, and like I said, who am I to judge what other people do with their kids.

Getting pestered for presents

It’s my birthday soon enough and I’m getting pestered for what I want for my birthday. I’m lucky in that I’m a man that has pretty much everything I need. This causes tension at birthday times as I can’t tell anyone what to get me as a gift. I really can’t think of anything I need. Sure maybe a new bit of tech would be good, but I really don’t need anything. What’s the point in a new camera or a new laptop? My existing kit performs exactly as I need it to. It performs really well. I guess I could do with a new 2TB external drive which would be my life drive - storing all of my text, photos and music on it. But again, I don’t really need this so it seems a bit pointless to just buy one.

End of another week

I’m writing this on a Sunday, I don’t know when I will publish it, but another week has flown by. That’s crazy really we are punching through October faster than ever. I’m back on the daily writing which is nice, I’m reading a lot again which feels much healthier than just sitting on my phone or laptop pissing around not really learning anything just running down the clock until the end of my life.

The tiny underpowered laptop for staying productive in writing

The smaller and more underpowered laptop the better it is for writing. I really believe this to be true. The great thing about a little laptop is that you really don't get distracted by a web browser. Mainly becasue it's so underpowered

2019-10-05 Encryption

Today I created a encrypted hard drive using Veracrypt. This will be my offline non cloud digital life. Of course, I will need a decent backup plan too. I have decided to do this as I'm fed up with all of my personal data, especially photos being sprayed across the internet into various data servers. Sure here i am blogging in the wild and writing this onto a data centre somewhere out there. But these words are public, I intended them to be that way. I no longer want my personal writing or photos to be on public data centres. That will suit me just fine.

I'll just have everything available on a little netbook that I can take around with me. I'll type my private journal up there and all will be golden.

I also encrypted a little 32GB microsd that nicely slots inside my netbook (which has awful storage - like 4GB left after the operating system is installed. That's cool with me as I'll just store everything on that encrypted SD drive.

I don't know if I'll continue to use standard notes. I do like that it's cross platform and cloud sync, but I'm trying to spend less of my time using cloud services and just want to use simple offline encrypted text files. I want to spend less time online overall. That's why I love this tiny underpowered netbook. It really is pretty shit, 2GB ram and some underpowered processor. It's still way more powerful than my first desktop, but somehow struggles with the web these days. I like that, less multi-tasking, more focused on what I want to do, which is writing and reading and 'thought taking'. It's a case of only firing up a web-browser to check something then closing and moving on. Any more than 10 tabs open in a browser and this little netbook will creak. I'm also getting used to the little keyboard and it's actually pretty sweet. I think I'll write more about this keyboard sometime in the future as although it's probably worth £10 now, it's one hell of a machine that I would have killed for back in my early 20s, so why dismiss it now as some little computer toy, which is what it really is. It's a toshiba satellite cl10-b-100, which is a joke of a laptop compared to my MacBook, but somehow I'm really loving the portability of it. I think I'll install linux on it at some point, just for fun and to see what I can do with it. Although having said that I think that it could be impossible to go back to windows after as I don't have any recovery usb etc. Windows is ok for me for now, so I'll probably stick with it.

Loving my books again at the moment. Just finished - Permanent Record by Edward Snowden. Loved the short easily readable chapters. I powered through this book in no time. He really seemed a genuine kind of guy that was trying to do the best for citizens of the world. I didn't learn too much more about the secrets he revealed. I took a bunch of highlights so need to go back through those. It was good to read his account of things, and the kind of book that passes the time well, but I wouldn't say it was a 'must read'. I might change my mind as I reflect on it a bit and read the highlights again.

2019-10-04 Looking back, I'm not a computer

Just go offline. There is no need for the cloud for anything. Why the need to share across platforms? This is the safest way to type. Store everything on a single text file happy days. It's more about the process than the actual storage of what you write.

Write, just write, worry bout what you are writing about. Except you won't. But maybe you will. Only on your deathbed. Did I write too much, no enough. But did I live? Ain't that the truth? Did I actually live? Or spend my whole life thinking, texting, looking at my phone and worrying.

Be bold. ..... Honestly, just be bold with your life. Enjoy it, live it and love it. Don't look at other people, just roll with what you have. Ignore material things. Self publish. Look forwards.

I think the reason I want to document my life, is because my memory is fucked. The internet and computers will remember every bit, byte an terabyte of what I did. My memory is fucked. I can barely remember what I did last week, let alone 10 years ago. I keep getting flashbacks of my life from wayback, like 10-15 years. Fuzzy memory Deja Vu things. It makes me sad. I'm not sure writing or photography will help. Maybe my memory is just fucked. That's the probelme with working around computers all your life. You expect your brain to work the same way as a hard drive. It doesn't. Oh well.

I think I've always looked forward, now I'm thinking about looking back. I'm not wired to look back, it makes me sad.

2019-10-02 Random Thoughts

It's a weird one today. I don't feel motivated like I should. I have no idea what is going on with me. I am 100pc going through a midlife crisis I rekon. I'm still writing so that's all good. I'm not reading as much though and that is all bad. I should be reading at least a bit every day. I love it so much, so don't know why I've stopped. I really need to clean up my act a bit. Stop the boozing and bad eating and get healthy. I'm 40 next week for goodness sake. That as far as I'm concerned is bloody old. Not quite the "downhill" from here old, but still old enough to have some of my best years behind me. Oh well I'm not going to well on that. I think that I need to be a bit more positive in my writing. I need to lift myself out of a bit of a funk that I've got myself into. It's all a bit pointless just writing 20,000 words of negativity. I think the problem is the time of year. The summer is leaving us and I'm sure that has something to do with it. I love the autumn, but not so much the winter. Also, I've really let myself go physically. This time last year I was in tip-top shape. This year I'm probably the fattest I've been in my life. I need to get back on that fitness streak. Disappointed with myself for letting that go. I've got football training tonight so at least that is something. Time to step it up. I might even start this daily writing to motivate me to do that and keep me honest. I've also dropped back from my photography. I haven't shot anything since I've been back from Spain. Well just a few snapshots. I'm in London today and don't even feel the motivation to take a camera. This is weird for me.

The sun is shining today which is nice though. Absolutely stunning out there. It feels great to be alive.

2019-09-31 Campervan

I signed-up for Reddit. I had a question on privacy so I decided to sign-up with an anonymous username generated by a random username generator. I've always lurked on reddit, but never posted. My question was answered in seconds which is amazing really. What a great resource it is. I used to love internet forums back in the day, especially before facebook. I was in an online minidisc forum way before most of my friends were online. I had 2000+ posts on that forum and eventually became a mod. I loved that back in the day. Now we have an obsession with being seen as our real-world personas online and I hate that. Sure it's useful for somethings, but for other's it's nice to be anonymous.

In other news we have bought a campervan (well more of a motorhome). This totally makes me want to go off grid even more. Of course I won't be doing this because I have my responsibilities, house and job etc. The thought of being offline in a self-contained camper van. Kindle fully loaded with 1000 books. A 1TB drive loaded with all of my music and photos. The odd film I download whilst on public wifi. Then just stay off the web and the grid as much as possible. Ideally just dialling in when I need a small bit of information. A very simple life. Just me and my loved ones, a bike and surfboard. Really limited tech, low power, low usage, just chill. I'd be well happy with that.

2019-09-30 Time racing, Instagram, On Being a hermit

Time is absolutely racing away. It's ridiculous, it really is. I wake an start to type or grab a coffee and half the day has already drifted by. I want to absolutely maximise each day. Each moment is fleeting and it's gone before you know it. That's the thing - maybe I'm trying to fit in too much but cataloging every aspect of my life. What's the point in spending forever cataloging, I never really look back. I only ever look forwards. I should simply shoot photos write text, publish and forget. I'm still finding this blogging a nice way of simply letting off some steam. That's all it is. I'm considering moving back to a simple HTML file for my blogging it was such a simple way of doing things. I can't be arsed to run a massive CMS for my needs it's just not worth it. Ideally I'd just run this off my this off a home websever. I use strapdown.js and just edit a singe html file with a massive TOC. It isn't pretty and it's not going to win any love from readers. That's not the point though the point is to just try and get away from the technology that is slowing my creative process down.

That's bloody easy to be honest. That's probably good enough for me. One massive html file. Once again I just really like the notion of getting everything offline and encrypted. I'm going to try my best to keep that philosophy going.

Instagram
I've been off instagram now for a quite a few months. I really don't miss it at all. In fact I feel pretty liberated by being off of it. I have thought about signing up a few times it, but really fuck that shit. I really don't have a need to go anywhere near it in my life. I was only drunk when I installed the app again and thought I'd give it a whirl. Totally pointless, but that's the way it its. What was it about being drunk that mean that I'd want to connect with complete random strangers. I don't get it. Maybe I was showing off, maybe I was just bored, maybe I was just drunk. It's funny though how the user interface felt really familiar and I actually felt at home again. I guess when you have spent literally hours of your life in an app you kind of love it for what it is.

On Being a Hermit

I feel like being a hermit, I genuinely would be interested in just chilling the fuck out on my own away from things. I'm not running away, I'm just getting over and feeling a bit more introspective. A bit like all this shit of trying to get offline. I picture a less stressed out life with just me and a portable hard drive.

2019-09-26 Thoughts again

Today is a brand new day and I'm going to treat it as such. I plan to get my all of my stuff organised on an external encrypted hard drive. This will be my life. Ok so I'm typing here into the cloud, but I really am thinking about ditching it all together.

I've also created a separate anonymous twitter account. I'm really hating having to have my real identity online. I really preferred the days when I had a user handle, not because I was up to no good. Quite the opposite more often. I now hate the way the internet is intrinsically linked to your real life, mainly so tech companies can serve ads. I equally hate ads, they are usually pretty useless when it come to targeting me anyway.

Work
I'm back in the 'office' after a few days out travelling and realise what a drain work is. I'm not sure I'm enjoying what I do anymore. I guess I've been doing the same thing over again for so long it's not quite as much fun. I think that could probably apply to quite a few aspects of my life. Again I'm rambling, but these are morning pages afterall and I get to ramble. The weather in the country is shit too. That really doesn't help, although I need to catch myself from being too miserable about things.

I'm going to see a partner today and catch-up with some old work buddies, so perhaps that will be more fun. I'm just fed up with the relentless barrage of questions with the obvious person on my back.

Photography

I'm going through a backlog of my photos, boy I take a lot of then but then that is just what I do. Again I'm just starting to chuck everything on an external disk drive after all that is what I did back in the day and had no problems in life. There really wasn't a way or a need to store MBs let alone GBs of photos in the cloud. It all seemed a lot easier. The ONLY drawback of not storing stuff in the cloud is access to it when out and about from the phone. I think I can probably live with that.

2019-09-25 Where have I been?

That is a pretty good question. I've been becoming more increasingly introvert and private in my digital life. I'm reigning back from social media almost entirely. Instagram has gone, facebook I don't use anymore and I'm seriously thinking of getting rid of Twitter. Although here I am publishing things to the web. I will do this in a more anonymous way in the future. It's nice to express myself in words and I love the feeling of just me and a keyboard, a blank white screen. It's a pleasure just to type and not be judged. So who knows when I will publish again, or even if I will. Maybe I'll try this daily writing challenge again. I have a little netbook with me right now and it's quite a nice form for typing in plain text.

So I think I might give up on my online blogging life, It's just to much hassle. I've come to realise that online and cloud isn't all it's cracked up to for me. I would be better off with a1 1TB usb hard drive for most of my needsI. Just encrpt that and back it up. The only real usecase I have these days for cloud is to access everything on my phone on the move. I imagine eventually, I'll just have a 1tb SD card or phone or something with all of my data. that would be pretty cool to be fair.

So this isn't really addressing the question of 'where have I been?' I guess I have just been away from the online space. It's nice to be back on Listed and standard notes and just ramble on about things. I think I'll continue to use this as and when I need to. I still have my blogger account, but increasingly wonder who I'm writing for. I would post these blog posts to twitter, but it all seems a bit pointless now. There are some quotes I need to dig out on why it's just madness to be on social media. I've been reading up on a few blogs on digital minimalism and I really like the notion of just doing things privately from now on. I really love to streamline things and really minimise how I do things.I just need as few tools possible to document and publish my life, Standard notes being a prettty decent note taking app. I just love the encryption. Let's face it we are getting less and less privacy by the day, so it's nice to have a safe space to be able to capture one's thoughts.

Here's the things I use digital tools for::

  1. Writing a journal and capturing notes
  2. Capturing photos of my day and everything I see
  3. Capturing vidoes of my day and everything I see
  4. Consuming media - Music, Books, News
  5. Communicating with people realtime

1-4 I could achieve largely offline. Why do I need blog tools, flickr or google photos, cloud music or even the internet? Perhaps I should try a life offline and see how i get on. I could even go back to paper journaling, which I adore, but I just can't seem to stick at beyond my digital journal. So I might just try and stick to offline for a bit, just use this little netbook that I'm typing on along with a high capacity drive.

2019-06-07 2019-06-07 Caroline goes to wedding - Working at home with the dog

Up early today 0730 and I'm typing away. I updated my blogger profile:

Born and live in England. I've always been a writer and photographer. In early 2019 I decided to put it all in blogspot. I hope they don't kill the platform. I write about everything that is on my mind. It's got to be better here than in my head or a bit of dross on Twitter.

I'm not sure I'm even gonna use blogger anymore. I just may self host some text files. That always seems a bit easier.

It's absolutely pissing it down today. Horrible weather, even Bella doesn't really want to go outside. I don't blame her. When are we gonna get some nice weather? Just plain horrid this rain. Considering I was in baking Spanish sunshine earlier this week. It's a total washout.

C has her Indian wedding today. Fortunately It's all inside, but it has been raining solid for several hours. Bella just sleeping like a baby.

On this listed thing again. I'm running into a problem. Firstly I'm having to censor myself. Clearly nothing on the web is truly anonymous. It wouldn't take a rocket scientist to track me down. I'm feeling like I should open up more in a journal. That's on of the great benefits. Here lies the rub, I'm kinda keeping two journals. Or maybe even three.

  1. The public one I'm posting to listed
  2. The actual narrative in my head that I'm having to censor
  3. A separate set of encrypted notes

This is not good. And I'm torn. Do I just keep two journals? One public and one Private? Do I open up a bit more here on this blog? What's the point then in having a public journal? It's all very confusing. In typing this, I think I'll just have two journals for now and see how it goes. I'm enjoying the semi-private nature of Listed right now so may well continue.

Also, I was looking for a way to nuke my account if I needed to. Seems I can only delete a post at a time, so if I thought listed had become a bit too much, I'd have to delete hundreds of posts. Seems to me that self-hosting might be a better way forwards. Just selfhost a plain text file. Or I might just go back to written journals. I kinda liked those. Anyways I'm just a bit confused on what I'm trying to achieve here.


Anyway I feel absolutely knackered today. I think the shite weather does this. I don't feel at all motivated and just want to sleep like Bella. We went for a walk when the rain stopped for a bit. Really muddy out, but warm in the sunshine. Back home to finish up work and a few calls. Rounded off with a Thai Green curry and sat down for a few beers and a book. Crazy cold, actually had to put the fire on it was so chilly. That meant I promptly fell asleep until 2200. Woke up to missed calls and texts. Phoned the wife, she'd had a good day, all went smoothly, not too much work to do. Opened a few more beers and read some more of my book. Pretty cool so far - Peter Crouch, How to Be a Footballer. Will finish this this weekend without a doubt. Also downloaded Metro 2033. I fancy reading a bit more good fiction. Especially after- Kiss me Judas, which was a trippy book, very readable, but didn't;'t make much sense. I still don't get the ending.

2019-06-06 Thoughts on Maslow again, Mehendi Night

0740 up with a coffee and writing. This is almost becoming a ritual. I'm sure it's one of my old buddies birthdays today, I can't remember who. I'm a bit rubbish like that.
I changed the blog text font to Courier. I don't know why I like to write in this font so much, I just do. It's not a readable as other non-monospace fonts, but I just like it.

Maslow's Heierarchy of Needs

I've been thinking a bit this morning as I've woken up about Maslow's hierarchy of needs and where I am on the pyramid. I've definitely got the basics covered.

  • Physiological needs
  • Safety needs

Totally nailed if I'm honest. I can eat and sleep, I'm warm and I feel safe.
The next three I think is where I can work on:

  • Social belonging
  • Self-esteem
  • Self-actualization

I don't know exactly how I would work on them or what I need to do to get to self-actualization. It's worth me pondering these over the next few days and weeks. Maybe then I can draw some conclusions on how to improve my life.

Social Belonging : According to Maslow, humans need to feel a sense of belonging and acceptance among social groups, regardless of whether these groups are large or small.

I guess I do have that covered. I also guess that social media covered that for me a lot in the past. I used to be a social media fiend. I would post multiple times a day to Instagram stories. Sharing all sorts of mundane stuff, then check the views. What was the point in that. "Oh wow, my life is so amazing look at me" Fuck that, those days are over. I'm actually becoming more insular I rekon. I'm actually starting to care less about the wider world. I care less about social belonging on social media. I care less about Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn and Flickr. I really don't feel the need to share much more beyond this little blog here. But it's good to share and I'm relishing a bit of anonymity. Being online and in the spotlight of the world suddenly feels a bit creepy to me.

So how am I going to improve this area of my life? What practical things can I do to feel a belonging? Firstly I think it needs to start with my wife. She's the single most important person in my life, so if I start anywhere it should be there. Maybe I'll start a bit of a gratitude journal or something that will just improve how I think of our relationship. Maybe I'll come up with new ideas on how to improve this area of my life going forwards.


1045 Decided to get back into Blogger. Will use this a bit of a journal too. Posting to both Standard Notes and Blogger. I never stick at any one system for long so It's no surprise that I now might move to a different platform.


Mehndi

C and I went to Mehndi night at the Watford Hilton. It was a real blast. Left home at 6.30. Dropped Bella off at Emma's. She was in the garden and didn't hear the doorbell at first. We left the party around 10pm to pick Bella back up.

We met the printer a chap called Raj from Leicester. He is sun is something to do with the GSMA forum and Mobile World Congress. He is also part of "Case for Change". Really nice bloke, but talked a lot!

The groom did a first song of you'll never walk alone, which was a big cringe, but what else could he sing to be fair.

2019-06-06

0740 up with a coffee and writing. This is almost becoming a ritual. I'm sure it's one of my old buddies birthdays today, I can't remember who. I'm a bit rubbish like that.
I changed the blog text font to Courier. I don't know why I like to write in this font so much, I just do. It's not a readable as other non-monospace fonts, but I just like it.

Maslow's Heierarchy of Needs

I've been thinking a bit this morning as I've woken up about Maslow's hierarchy of needs and where I am on the pyramid. I've definitely got the basics covered.
Physiological needs
Safety needs
Totally nailed if I'm honest. I can eat and sleep, I'm warm and I feel safe.
The next three I think is where I can work on:
Social belonging
Self-esteem
Self-actualization
I don't know exactly how I would work on them or what I need to do to get to self-actualization. It's worth me pondering these over the next few days and weeks. Maybe then I can draw some conclusions on how to improve my life.
Social Belonging : According to Maslow, humans need to feel a sense of belonging and acceptance among social groups, regardless of whether these groups are large or small.
I guess I do have that covered. I also guess that social media covered that for me a lot in the past. I used to be a social media fiend. I would post multiple times a day to Instagram stories. Sharing all sorts of mundane stuff, then check the views. What was the point in that. "Oh wow, my life is so amazing look at me" Fuck that, those days are over. I'm actually becoming more insular I rekon. I'm actually starting to care less about the wider world. I care less about social belonging on social media. I care less about Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn and Flickr. I really don't feel the need to share much more beyond this little blog here. But it's good to share and I'm relishing a bit of anonymity. Being online and in the spotlight of the world suddenly feels a bit creepy to me.
So how am I going to improve this area of my life? What practical things can I do to feel a belonging? Firstly I think it needs to start with my wife. She's the single most important person in my life, so if I start anywhere it should be there. Maybe I'll start a bit of a gratitude journal or something that will just improve how I think of our relationship. Maybe I'll come up with new ideas on how to improve this area of my life going forwards.


1045 Decided to get back into Blogger. Will use this a bit of a journal too. Posting to both Standard Notes and Blogger. I never stick at any one system for long so It's no surprise that I now might move to a different platform.


Mehndi

C and I went to Mehndi night at the Watford Hilton. It was a real blast. Left home at 6.30. Dropped Bella off at Emma's. She was in the garden and didn't hear the doorbell at first. We left the party around 10pm to pick Bella back up.

We met the printer a chap called Raj from Leicester. He is sun is something to do with the GSMA forum and Mobile World Congress. He is also part of "Case for Change". Really nice bloke, but talked a lot!

The groom did a first song of you'll never walk alone, which was a big cringe, but what else could he sing to be fair.

2019-06-05 Back on the grind

0300 woke briefly and wondered where I was. Hot and flustered. Had slept deeply though. I'd had another weird dream but I don't recall it. I'm gonna try and note more of my dreams down. They have to be quite interesting to analyse.

0630 awake again for good. The sun is shinning and it looks like it will be a stunning day. I slept like a log. Refreshed and feeling ready to take on the day. I need to be ready, it's a full on day. Got an award submission to write for work, deadline tomorrow. I'm not a professional copy writer and I know nothing about the solution we are providing. I'll give it a good go though. 0750 Breakfast. Walked Bella for a bit, but then a call from PC, had to cut the walk short and get back to work. Not too bad I suppose, was only at my desk


1630 Wow it's been a busy day. Haven't really stopped work wise except for a little spot of lunch and a bit of a run with Bella. My first run with her. Only a little one. 2.35 KM in 16:23. Wow, how slow is that? Well out of shape lol.

Not really enjoying being back at work, but I guess that's understandable. A bit of a waste of time, too many internal politics. Let's face it most of us wouldn't work if we didn't have to. I kind of enjoy a bit of satisfaction from what I do, but a load of people seem to really love what they do, it must be nice. I've been lucky enough to make my trade in the tech industry. Well paid and in demand. Luck more than judgement got me here, not complaining, it's a great place to be, I should really stop being so ungrateful. Maybe I'm suffering from a midlife crisis, having reflected on my past few days in Spain, maybe that's the the problem. As I realise my life is wasting away working for some massive faceless conglomerate seems like a bit of a waste of a life. Maybe I should volunteer or do something worthwhile outside of work. Maybe it's because I don't have kids and have missed that calling for now.

C is out tonight so I'll stay in and watch the football. She's meeting her international lot. She usually has a blast with them, but not feeling it tonight apparently. Just realised England are playing tomorrow night and I've agreed to go out with C to this wedding Mendhi thing. Talk about annoying. Never mind, I've got to go and support her where I can I guess. We really need a plan to have her give up work. Also, now getting a quote for the next rounds of IVF, gonna try and find a cheaper supplier than the one we've got. Oh well I'll just go with the flow. This thing is going to drag on into 2020 there is no doubt about it.

So rounding off the day I had a few beers, changed the bed sheets. Climbed in, read a book and waited for C to come home. Sleep is good.

2019-06-04 Travel home from Spain

0515 the alarm goes off, but I've barely slept. Perhaps I managed to snatch one hour of solid sleep. Having an Irish coffee midnight was not a great idea. I had planned to just jump in the car and go, but was a bit sweaty overnight, showered and C packed the rest of the luggage. Out of there and into the hire car around 5.50am. A pretty easy drive in all, the roads were almost totally clear untill we got to Alicante. Then we had a quick circle of the airport to find fuel for the hire car. Filled the little Fiat up with 20 euros of fuel and another 10 minutes back to the airport. Arrived about 7.10am. The guy inspected the car and all was alright. That's good, there was a small scrape on the car when we collected it. I took a photo and was worried about it, but the guy barely checked.

7.22 at the Ryanair check-in desk it was pretty rammed and of course I started to worry about not making the flight. Was fine though, checked in at around 8am. The bag was exactly 20.0 kg. We took some shoes out just before l, but amazed it was bang on.

Through security and time to grab a bit of breakfast. Coffee & Baggette for me. Orange, yoghurt and pastry for C. Much needed as hadn't eaten anything before a 1+ hour drive. Boarded the plane pretty much last ones on. Seats on each side of the aisle. No way worth paying another £17 to sit in the middle for a 2 hour flight.

Man I hate flights and flying. To say I'm nervous is absolutely bang on. I'm not sure why I'm so scared, I've done this at least 100+ times. I don't find it gets any easier and I'm convinced every time I fly that we are going to crash. I guess if this gets posted to listed it means I survived another flight, but not without a certain amount of anexiety. I've got at least one long flight coming up, I really need to learn how to enjoy them.

Big time looking forward to seeing Bella again, she's a little cutie and just hope she remembers us. It's been a week without her, so I'm hoping she forgives us for leaving her.


Landed on time, actually slightly early, around 1010am. Was a pretty good flight all in all except another hungover Liverpool fan that was spreading himself all over the seats and making loads of noise. Got back to the in-laws ok. Said hello to Bella, she seemed really pleased to see us, but it's clear she's made some new friends. She was just as happy with P and S as with us. I had a bit of a kip as absolutely knackered from the journey. C had a call with her clients and 1400 we then left for home around 1530. Back at home and straight back into work. What a pain in the arse. Again, a short turnaround for something that wasn't even planned. There goes the holiday in a puff of smoke, straight back into work. Holiday a distant memory.


1800 back at home and fish and chips for supper. Well tasty and shared a chips instead of making the classic mistake of ordering two (over ordering). It's nice to be back in the house, but this house is bloody freezing. Need to get some cavity wall insulation or something. It's almost heating on cold. It's May for fecks sake.

I think Bella is either sulking or just tired. She's asleep and doesn't seem to like me too much. Maybe it was because we abandoned her with the in-laws. If I got abandoned at the in-laws I'd be sulking too. Gonna have to get to bed early tonight. Now back in the UK with the time difference been up since 0415am. Plus having not slept at all last night, I'm totally knackered.


In the news; learned that the Woodford fund is in trouble. I'm not invested, but shows how sentiment can turn pretty quickly. Was the golden balls of investment around 30 years ago.

Also, Trump in the UK. I'm not a fan, but he is what he is. Think all the protests are over the top and Corbyn is just being his usual wanker self, trying to appeal to the cool student socialist liberals. Should have just been diplomatic and met with Trump. That's the point of being a master statesmen. There are going to be loads of people that he doesn't like but would need to meet if he ever became Prime Minister. Stop acting like a pretentious shit and meet Trump, who happens to be leader of the world's biggest superpower.