Day 045

#100Days

More on timeboxing and the #100Days challenge

The challenge has been helping me to write and create the habit of writing. But in order to have it fitting my weekly schedule, I decided to timebox it, so I could also dedicate time to other activities.

I like writing, and to me it can be a very immersive activity. I like this kind of activity and usually I really enjoy the time I spend in them. But I also spend some good amount of time, and I have not been dedicating so much time writing every day, due to other activites that I'd also like to do. Or at least I think so.

Because of this trade I chose to do, I ended up writing less. Not just less texts, but less meaningful texts. You know, they all need dedication and care in order to grow gracefully.

By writing this down, I can now see the value that writing has in (or brings to) my life, and how this trade is making me less happy than it could do.

Interestingly, I am, again, the one accountable for this. I decided to set a daily schedule that is not in conformity with the deepest wishes of my heart. I've been fighting against this voice that asks me to be perfect and be able to successfully manage everything flawlessly. I've been fighting against this voice that demands that I overachieve everything I can, so I can feel safe and believe that I am worthy.

Now I can see that I've been trying to live multiple unfulfilling lives instead of a single fulfilling one.
And I think this is mostly due to feeling lost and not knowing who I am. So I try a lot instead of stop and listen.

There was also the fear of not being loved, and the belief that by being perfect I would become able to receive love, or to be worthy of love. That desperation caused a lot of decisions to be rushed, and only helped myself to move away from the center. This is how the multiple life came to be.

This psychological pressure still exists and it brought me lots of issues over the years.

But now I'm finally overcoming it, now I understand that I don't need to fulfill anything in order to be loved, and that no one has to love me either (more like a demand from my side, for being so dedicated to perfection(ism)). We shouldn't need anyone's love in order to live or be happy, feel safe, or whatever other reason. Loving yourself is enough to back pat you, give you strength and courage to do things in your life.

Of course receiving love is good. It is as good as giving it. But it is not something so easy for us to provide others.