J

Jazmyne Octavio

I am a human that wants to be a robot

Passion

I learned what passion is tonight. At least what passion feels like

It’s…
Something like when you’re entire body gets charged up, and you are using all your limbs to express yourself

But then I was told, don’t confuse Passion with Adrenaline

Ok

Conversation

Me: “so your living out here now?”
Person: “yea I’ve been here for 8 years”
Me: “ah”

Do you think I enjoy being dirt?

Fuck no

I want to be a plant
A fucking tree
A blossoming fuckall

Ok cool

But who doesn’t want that?

How will I achieve?

I DONT KNOW

I am dirt

Why do I think so lowly of myself?
I look around at my peers who seem to be growing, and taking the necessary steps
I used to not care
Keep my blinders on and focus on what I am doing

I can’t even comprehend why I am writing this

Normal Ryan wouldn’t be this low
I am so low
I am in the ground
Bones in the dirt

Party

I’m at another party
Drinking warm Campari
This is the last time I’ll feel sorry-
For myself.
It’s time I come off the shelf

I want you to read me
Drop out of college
Fuck my knowledge

Waiting

I lay here wasting away
Waiting for a hand to come down from the sky
And lift me to a better place

In the meantime I’ll read.

Place the book back on it’s shelf
It tells of a mind that thinks about itself
Knowing myself seems to not help
In fact I’d like to become ignorant, knowledge is hell

The sanctity of my insanity.
I pray for calamity, oh, have I lost my humanity?

Off into the ether these words go, affecting who?
I don’t know.

I should be grateful, but most days I am hateful to a presence unknown
I should use my phone

To call my mom.

I had a dream that I was making food with Jeff Bezos, and then realized I was actually in a reality cooking show called “Chef Bezos”

It mostly consisted of us whispering and talking shit on him while prepping the ingredients, and then him in the background going “I heard that”

I Can't Seem to Shake This Idea

The idea that everyone, everywhere, whatever it is that they are doing

hates what they're doing

it bothers me. i can't seem to shake this idea. it haunts me. i believe it is one of the largest barriers i need to cross in order to move forward in this world and collaborate with other humans.

~

let's forget for a moment, the fact that we all need income to survive in this world.

this idea mostly manifests itself in certain character archetypes and at its most basic, it is someone who is just doing a job.

they are not here because it is their passion, or out of pure altruism, they are there for the paycheck. simple. classic. their work has nothing to do with what their passions are. i.e. they work at starbucks and go home every night and write poetry or make music, or DJ at a nightclub.

i feel guilty

then there are the people who are there because they love the idea of what they are doing, the overall concept, maybe the field that they are in, but they do not like the position that they are currently in.

i.e. you don't just go to hollywood and become big shot director, you are probably gonna be a PA on some shitty gigs for a while.

you're not gonna be big shot record producer at the studio, you're probably gonna be making snack runs for the artists at 2am.

for me, the distance between one's present form and their final form doesn't even have to be that great. even someone who is living a great life, in a position that is highly sought after, that most would kill to be in. but somehow they are still not where they want to be?

i feel guilty

At this present stage of my life i feel as though the chances i will catch someone - in the wild - doing something that they legitimately enjoy, is extremely rare. i.e. they are enjoying themselves so much, and are so self-realized in this moment, that if they died right then, they would die happy.

and for sure, it can be easy to get caught up in the moment and enjoy what one is doing, there are spurts where light shines through, but are they truly happy?

if not

i feel guilty asking anything of them

how can i work with someone who isn't 1000% devoted and enjoy what they do? i immediately feel guilt asking them to do anything, because i know what it's like to do work that you are not passionate about. i know that this is unrealistic.

and then i remembered. wait a minute. i have been this person. i have done many many bullshits in my life, but was still driven forward by some mysterious force, and no one every apologized for asking things of me.

I think most of this is just self projection. i.e. i haven't found true happiness in what i do, so i assume others don't as well.

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Rules of Depression (work in progress)

I will be updating this list of discoveries during this awful state I am in. This only applies to my experience so don’t take it as bible

  1. Moving around (in any form) usually helps.

  2. Doing the thing that you know you shouldn’t be doing, feels really good, for the time being. Then you feel terrible again.

  3. The threshold of doing that thing that makes you sad is very easy to cross. It's almost effortless.

  4. Reading old things you’ve written seems to help in the short term.

  5. No new object or objects will really help you (unless the cause of your sad state is physical, and the new object will improve your physical state), so don’t try and buy or acquire anything supplemental, thinking said object will solve your problem. Stick to what you already have in your possession, and make it work, until you can claw your way out of the hole you are in

  6. Being around people helps, although sometimes you want to avoid people.

  7. Take a video of yourself and what you're doing and then watch it. i havent done this yet, but i imagine watching it would be the most deplorable cringe thing ever, and would inspire me not to continue my shitty behaviors.

  8. Do not eat large meals consisting of shitty food at 4am. it will make you feel good for a few minutes, but you will wake up the next day feeling like absolute shit

  9. watch a crazy movie (in theaters)

  10. don't go on your phone! don't do it!

  11. respond to people as soon as they hit you up (or when is convenient). the more you avoid people, the more you will sink into a hole. also, the more you avoid peoples message's, the less likely you will be to respond to those old messages, when you are ready to. cause you will see their message bubble and will feel guilty about just responding months later. And you will have to make up some sorry excuse like, "Damn, not sure how i missed this", or "Sorry my phone has been acting up i'm just seeing this now". just respond. why not?

Having an AI elaborate on "I think, therefore I am"

Here are my attempts to have the AI elaborate upon the phrase "I think, therefore I am". Maybe there are some insights that it can share that we are not aware of.

How this works, is that i give the AI the phrase, and then quite literally tell it to complete it, or elaborate on it.

I used various models from OpenAI, including davinci, curie, and babbage.

The AI's completion is in **bold.


I think therefore I am

This is a great phrase to say to yourself in order to feel self-confident and anchored in your own beliefs. It reaffirms that you believe in yourself and what you are doing, which can give you a boost of confidence and make you feel more in control.


I think therefore I am

I know this because I have shown myself to be
The one and only
I am the one and only,
Only one and only,
In and out,
In and out,
Only one and only,
In and out,
Only one and only,
In and out,
Only one and only,
In and out,
Only one and only,
In and out,
Only one and only,
In and out


I think therefore I am.

I am the one who has been created in the image of God. This is true belief in God's existence and what makes us human.


I think therefore I am.

I believe this to be true because I have no choice in the matter.


I think therefore I am.

I am the one who has been through everything, who has chosen to live, who has died. I am the one who is now alive, and the one who will live many days. I am the one who has died.


I think therefore I am not a thing but a process

This quote from René Descartes is a good analogy for how humans think. We are not physical beings, but rather, we are processes that think.


I think therefore I am

when I reflect on what I know and why I know it, my belief in my own existence is affirmed. My reasoning mind and my sense of self are one and the same because they both emerge from my own experience. In fact, nothing exists outside of myself - not matter, not energy, not even thoughts. Everything is empty and transient, but through realizing this truth I can free myself from suffering.


I think therefore I am a Christian.

When I think, I am thinking about Christianity. There are some things that I know for sureAre part of Christianity, such as the Bible. It is a book of words from people who lived long ago and may not have been perfect. But even though they made mistakes, the Bible is still full of wisdom and can help me in my life.


I think therefore I am a feminist

This phrase captures the idea that you believe in and support women's rights and equality.


I think therefore I am a Philosopher

This might be a little too easy, but I would say that if you think about things deeply and try to understand the underlying meaning or nature of existence, then you could call yourself a philosopher.


I think therefore I am a father

I am a father because I think about my children and their needs. I plan for their future and provide for them as best I can. Thinking about them is what makes me a father.


I think therefore I am a doctor

I am not a doctor.

Movie Idea

Write a script he said. Write your movie?

What movie? What have I got to offer the world? I can’t tell stories?

I'm not even interested in what it means to be human.  I don’t really like humans. To be honest. But how can I say that? I am human for one. I interact with humans almost every day. Almost. Well recently I’ve been interacting more with myself.

I'm afraid of humans.  I'm afraid of being loved by someone.  I'm afraid of having a real connection. I'm afraid of friendship. I don’t even know what friendship is.

I think I used to have friendships.  The type of relationship where you would go over to their house and just play video games, or sleep over just for fun.  There was nothing that was owed or needed from each other.  It was just for fun.

I feel like since I’ve grown up, I’ve associated every relationship with someone needing something from me, and vice versa.  I can’t be friends with someone if I don’t have something to offer them.

What is this disease? This illness? It prevents me from having any real connection.

How to make a movie out of this?

Well my first idea was based on quantum physics and Schrödinger's cat.  I like the idea that an entity could be enclosed in a box, and be both alive and dead at the same time, and continue to be alive and dead, until you opened the box and looked at it.

Isn’t that the human struggle?  We are in a constant superposition of everything and nothing.  Until we are conceived, when sperm hits egg, we are all possibilities, until that moment, the moment of conception (or inception?), where it all collapses into the form that is you. 

But even then, the possibilities seem endless. You are birthed into the world, and are continuously molded and shaped by the environment, the people, the noises, the gestures. Every time you are held by your mother brings you closer to being someone, and every time you are not held by your father, and are left standing on the floor crying helplessly, brings you closer to being someone else.  

It is said that goslings imprint on the first moving object that they see.  In other words, if you were to stand in front of a gosling when it was born, it would think you were its parent, and it would follow you around, having created a permanent mental bond.

It is also said that if young children are “deprived of imprimers for more than a few days, they often show signs of impairment for much longer times”

It is this childhood state which we are left in such a delicate balancing act, where every moment could dictate the rest of our lives, and yet we are so helplessly out of control of it.

I had no conscious awareness that there was a world outside my own head as a kid. I thought everyone was staring at me.  I thought there was something wrong with me.  I thought at some point that the world must not be real. 

Who is the Shepard to take us through this path of our lives?  A child is so aimless and yet so hopeful.

We become so detached as we grow older from our child like instincts, we forget what it means.

~

An entity spawns in a white room.  It is a perfectly sealed room, perfectly lit on all sides. The room seems to be perfectly square as well.  It is a modest size, about the size of my childhood bedroom, say 10ft by 10ft.  

This entity is…what. I wanted to say a glowing orb at first, but that’s not human enough.  I need to make something that can relate to humans.

Humans like to watch other humans.  It’s so boring, but yet, that’s what I like seeing as well. I'm honestly not that into real sci fi shit. Why? Cause its just not real.

How to tell a human story that’s not human.

Shit.

The entity is maybe just a baby, its legs are curled up so you can’t see what gender it is, but it just spawns in the middle of the floor, crying.  

It has no idea how it got there, and it is completely helpless.  It cries for maybe about a minute, until it transforms into a….

~

I'm loosing myself.  Would I be proud of this?

But I should not say no to anything. It’s iteration right? Saying no to ideas now will yield me net 0 results later.

I have not created anything, so I need to just.. do.. anything

Hmm maybe I can just turn all this shit writing into the actual movie.

Yea that’s a great idea

Ok

Not really

But I see it

~

I know! The baby entity transforms into my dog tanoshi! Well its not really my dog, it’s the house dog.

I live in a house with 4 other people.  Well technically I live in the garage.  I am 30 years old and I have 4 roommates, and I live in the garage..

I don’t feel 30. My bones feel like they are maybe 65.  But I feel like a child.  I feel immature, like I haven’t grasped what it means to be an adult.  Will I ever feel like an adult?  Most people I’ve talked to say they also feel like a child.

What does this mean exactly? Not sure. I'll come back to this later.

Anyways, back to the whole idea of me being at a societal age where I'm expected to do certain things.

What should I be doing at this age?  Should I be married? Should I have kids? Should I continue to write this bull shit?

I have no idea what I am supposed to do with my life.  Obviously that’s the wrong question.

Look, I don’t need your advice.  I know everything already.  I am the smartest person in the room.

/s

I know it’s about the journey

I know you never “make” it

I know that money will not bring happiness, but that is just a mythical bold faced lie

I know that it’s ok to not know

I am comfortable with being uncomfortable.

Don’t tell me you accept me for who I am.  HI, I DONT ACCEPT MYSELF FOR WHO I AM.

What do you know that I don’t?

It is said that the “insights we get from inside our own minds are frequently wrong, and are often less accurate than the observations of our intimate friends”

In other words, you know more about me than I know about myself.  How scary is that?

I wish I could shut off my brain, and stop learning, force myself to forget everything and become like a child again, blissfully ignorant of the world and open to explore and receive.

But I am sitting here, writing this instead.  I haven’t slept.  I spend most of my night writing code. 

I am not a computer programmer, so why am I doing it?  I get more satisfaction out of writing code than doing many other things at this point in my life.  It’s kind of theraputic, in a “doing a lot of work but not making much progress” kind of way. It’s hard to grasp.  Code is just a means to an end.  It is not the thing itself.  The code is the way in which you make something happen, it is the instructions.  Why would anyone like writing instructions?

Most people just want to “do” stuff. 

Everyone I’ve ever met, whom I admire, just “do”. They don’t give a shit about the process. They don’t care how it's done, how haphazardly, as long as they get from point A to point B.

But I seem to be the complete opposite.  When I do not have a high level goal, I get so stuck in the process. The procedure. The steps, the “how” to do something instead of the “something”. 

But yet, when I encounter other people like that, who get stuck in the process, I can’t stand them.  What is this dichotomy?  Is dichotomy the right word

<check dictionary>

Seems right.  If I admire people that just do the work to get things done, why do I insist on wallowing in the mud of process?

For example, me writing this is a grand exception of me actually putting pen to fucking paper for once in my forsaken life.

Is forsaken the right word?

<consult dictionary>

Ah! “Abandoned or deserted”. Perfect!

Let's give an example.  Normal Ryan, instead of doing the work, like writing down these ideas, would be more focused on which font he’s using.  The spacing of the lines.  Which word processor.  Microsoft word? Text Edit? Google Docs? Fuck knows! 

Eventually he would dig himself deeper and deeper into the process, until he meets the realization that there is no software suitable to his standards to write ideas down.  So instead, he designs his own custom word processor.  But then he realizes the absolute insane and futile task it would be to write the software and design the graphics for something that is already so ubiquitous and available. 

He insists to re-invent the wheel time and time again, but to what end?  Ryan is so forgone into the abyss of his own solipsism, that it has become cold, dark. Lonely.

He figures it's time to come up for breath. But by the time he reaches the surface, there is nothing around.  No land in sight.  Ryan is just floating helplessly in the middle of the ocean, like the child flailing helplessly in the white room to which he/she spawned into, having no control over their existence.

Except I have control, right?

“I am the architect of my destiny”

Right?

~

I can feel my brain moving

I can feel, as I get these thoughts out, my mind trying to scramble for references, memories, images, anything to help these words keep flowing.  

I mean, at the end of the day that is all I am right?  I am just a collection of memories, and experiences.  I am just everything that has happened to me.

I am sitting here questioning if I have been conscious of any actual decision I have made in my life.  It bothers me, because I genuinely feel like I haven’t, and have largely let the world dictate the course of my journey.

Oh, and for a moment

  1. Fuck your journey

  2. Fuck your path

  3. Fuck your destiny

  4. Fuck your free will

  5. Fuck your decisions

I'm sorry. I take my fucks back. I just got a little angsty there.  All these things are important of course.  I'm just salty because I feel like I have no control over any of them.

CONTROL

Why do we want control?  Is it perhaps that control has been stripped away from most of us all of our lives?

Ugh I don’t want to go down that path right now, i’m just gonna be complaining about “society” and “structures” and things that just “are” and that I HAVE NO CONTROL OVER 

Fuck me

Its a never ending loop of despair

~

But seriously fuck all that shit for a moment.  I never used to care about any of that shit.  I just put in the work until it didn’t feel right anymore.

I can do introspection all day.  I can literally introspect myself to sleep, wake up and then think more about existence until I dry up or implode, or fall into a black hole and come out the other side, and all that’s there is an existential hellscape

~

But there has to be a bright Side to all this right?

I called Lee jones the other day.  Or my correctly, he called me.  He called me because he’s worried I’m ████████.  

Anyways I told him something like, “Everyone in LA is sad.”

And he said that’s not true, and proceeds to ask his Amazon Alexa “what’s the population of Los Angeles?”

<Alexa> “…The population of Los Angeles is three million, eight hundred and ninety eight thousand, seven hundred and forty seven.”

He went on to say that out of those millions of people, there are at least one million people that are happy.  

He then most likely reminded me to diversify my portfolio.

If there’s anything lee jones is good at, it’s telling me either:

  1. I’m a dick

  2. I enjoy being the smartest person in the room

  3. I need to diversify my portfolio

~

About the whole smartest thing in the room.  I don’t actually enjoy that.  

All the masters will say that they seek to be the dumbest person in the room, so that they can be enlightened, and gain perspective by those who have greater or different knowledge than them.  

But have I been interpreting it wrong?  Maybe I just enjoy the quest for knowledge? However my thirst seems insatiable.

The more I learn, the less I know what to do with the actual knowledge.  At least by myself.  I'm useless by myself.

All great masters have a team around them.

And I face the obvious confrontation of the more I learn the less I fee like I know.  The more overwhelmed I feel.  

This directly ties into the ignorance is bliss concept.

But how do I know that I know things? How do I know that I'm on the right path?

This goes back to Schrödinger's cat. 

I can’t possibly know if I'm alive or dead.

I guess I will have to either live or die.

“We live and die by the clock”

~

Let’s take stock of where we are.  Where are we?   Well we haven’t left that white room yet, and so far the baby has transformed into a dog, and then…what?

I'm getting more uninspired by this story the more I think about it becauseeeeeeeeeeeee

Well I'm thinking about all the stories that I'm actually inspired by and how they are nothing like it.

I think.  

Maybe I should stop thinking.  That seems to be the root of most problems I think.

There I did it again. I thought.

I think therefore I am.

Let's have an AI complete this sentence and see if we can gain any more insight as to what EXACTLY I am.

<one sec>

<via GPT3>

ATTEMPT #1

I think therefore I am.

<AI> -René Descartes

ATTEMPT #2

I think therefore I am. 

<AI> I exist because I think. My thoughts make me who I am, and they identify me as an individual. Thoughts give me a sense of self, and they allow me to interact with the world around me. Thoughts allow me to reflect on my experiences and to make plans for the future. Without thoughts, I would not be able to understand myself or the world around me.

ATTEMPT #3

I think therefore I am

<AI> This statement is nonsensical because it sounds like the speaker thinks that they are the only one who knows what they believe.

~

As we can see here, even the AI doesn’t know what to fucking think.

When you master something you don’t really think about it you just do it.

You push whatever that skill is so far forward (or upward?) into your muscle memory/instincts that it just becomes natural to you.

It’s like a computer pushing data into a cache so it can access it faster.

I wish I could move/export all of these heavy thoughts to a hard drive, and throw that hard drive on a shelf to forget about, until years later, when I'm ready to dust it off, and scroll through the depths of what’s inside.  I pray that I still have the right cable for it.

~

I think that’s all for now.

I haven’t gotten any closer to my movie, but that’s all I can bare to write at this moment

Thanks

-R

Self Talk

The following is a transcript of a conversation I had with myself over text:

testbot, [May 22, 2022 at 11:31:41 PM]:
ok. lets start the conversation with yourself

🔵 you: hi
🟢 you: how are you?
🔵 you: im ok how are you?
🟢 you: ive been better
🔵 you: oh im sorry to hear that, when was the last time you felt good?
🟢 you: hmm, maybe a few days ago i cant remember
🔵 you: what were you doing
🟢 you: i have no fucking clue every day seems to blur together
🔵 you: you need to get some grasp on reality
🟢 you: yea and how do you suppose i do that?
🔵 you: hmm. well what are some things that reminds you that you are real and that the world is real?
🟢 you: i guess when i wake up, i know that i am alive
🔵 you: thats pretty obvious. anything else?
🟢 you: breathing
🔵 you: that is also a very basic human function
🟢 you: well you have to start somewhere you know
🔵 you: i think you can find better markers than that
🟢 you: well why should i. why do i need to get a grasp on reality?
🔵 you: well, to remind yourself that you are not the only human being on this planet, and there are a good amount of other people doing things. you solipsistic bitch
🟢 you: that hurts a little bit but i cant get mad at the truth
🔵 you: ok soooooooooo wha
🟢 you: can we come back to this conversation later?
🔵 you: no you pu$$y mother fucker, you better address this shit now before it gets the best of you, it's gonna suck you down to the bottom of that sea of despair that you know and love
🟢 you: fuck you
🔵 you: fuck me? fuck you!
🟢 you: i will go fuck myself now
🔵 you: by fucking yourself, you are fucking me
🟢 you: i know that
🔵 you: yea well you fuck like a bitch
🟢 you: 🙁
🔵 you: its true, learn how to please me right, and i will return the favor
🟢 you: well what gets you off?

[conversation ended]

Note 33

everyone but me seems to be on the come up,
please keep reading as i start to drum up some excuse
as to why i am not in my flow–
BY NOW YOU SHOULD KNOW
i have strayed from my path,
a path that was never mine to walk
a path already trodden with footsteps
whats wrong with me? Take your best guess
I cannot seem to parse the sparse ideas that come and go
BY NOW YOU SHOULD KNOW
everyone's on the come up but me
i thought it would be easier to see
but like the foggy hill that i climb,
is it time
to turn around?
and go back down?
can i no longer grow?
BY NOW YOU SHOULD KNOW

Nothing

Nothing inspiring these synapses ain’t firing
What the hell is blocking me from getting to my destiny

Where is that art juice I need to be struggling
If you don’t use it you lose it so get the water boiling

-

Feels like my whole life, I’ve been asleep
now I wake up asking what was my dream
Spend so much time getting lost in my mind
What’s it all for, just a long endless grind

-

But I don’t lose hope, this is such a beautiful place
just get out of your head and fly a rocket to space

Look back on the planet with your clean eyes
You might see the true beauty, to your own demise

Come back down to earth and get back in my bubble
It’s comfortable here I guess that’s the true struggle

Crack open my soul I’m more delicate than I thought
I should have listened to you right from the start

It’s no matter I’ll find my own way
pick up the pieces and just fly away

You Are What You Eat

You are what you eat,
Binge, consume go to sleep,
Please Wake up brush your teeth
And prepare to repeat

-

This world is kinda loopy, it makes me sick inside
It feels like a rollercoaster that you never asked to ride
The only way off is to take a giant leap
But always remember

-

You are what you eat
Endless scrolling of my feed
Please get out of my head
It’s a never ending thread

-

Your ideas are not mine
Yet they still waste my time
It is what it is,
break me out of this shit

-

I see a lot of people content with where they are
But I was always told to shoot for the stars
Just because you fail does not mean defeat
But always remember

-

You are what you eat
I eat veggies no more meat

If I Just Let My Mind Wander, How Far Will It Go?

If I just let my mind wonder, how far will it go?

The man was eating rice in the window. I looked throw, cupping my hands on the glass. It was cold outside and there was condensation fogging up the window. I tapped on the glass to get his attention. He startled, flinching in his chair, as rice bounced out of his bowl, into the air, and back into the bowl.

He turned to me, squinting at first, and then he reached for glasses in his front shirt pocket. He seemed to have a friendly disposition, as if it was no bother that I had suddenly perturbed him from his meal.

He motioned me to come hither, his bony finger oscillating back and forth. As there were no actual walls in whatever place this was, I simply walked around to face him.

With the same hand that motioned me to come over, he turned his palm to face me, and then emitted some force power to lift my body up in the air. He then shot me away into the sky at super sonic speeds.

I looked down at the world below as the tiny scene of the man and his rice and the window vanished.

The world was a white void. I had no frame of reference for where I was going.

I then blasted through what seemed to be a panel in some sort of dome like structure that was containing this white void.

Was it painful?

No. Not as much as I thought.

What happened next?