The Game of My Fucking Life

I am pseudo smart
Pseudo intellectual
Pseudo strategic
I don’t think ahead
I want to win
I am a fucking idiot
I want to be dumb
How do I know I’m smart?
I wanna die
I was humiliated
I’m used to winning
I hate when I lose
I need to lose
I’m sitting on the sidelines
The only way to win is not to play right?

I’m Uncomfortable with Being Comfortable Being Uncomfortable...

When does one lose their drive? Their passion?
Do I have a passion? I’m not sure that I do.
I know I can be passionate about things…About doing things…
But what is that singular thing that propels me through the universe? Do I need one?

I’m grasping for something, some sort of control over my life.

I’ve lived vicariously through others art and projects for my entire life.

Why am I afraid to live my own life?

I want to stand apart so that I can stand together and collaborate with others, because that’s the proven method in creation.

One can go it alone, but it simply takes more time, more energy, less iterations and more focus on superfluous detail, loss of the vision/the bigger picture.

What is this roadblock that prevents me from diversifying my portfolio?

Some people say I enjoy being the smartest person in the room, or that I want to be the smartest person in the room.

This will obviously be my downfall.

How do I reset my fucking brain

Mental gymnastics
I thought the brain was plastic
Every neuron dies
Slowly as it calcifies
Rip it out my skull
Smash it against the hull
It’s My christening,
But I’m not listening
to anyone
I think
I have all the answers

Is it cancer? This unexplainable feeling
Should I take some time for healing?

This is a note

This is a note
At approx 2:35am

I’m at a party
What am I supposed to be doing with my hands?

Everyone’s talking to each other but I am a part of no conversations

Do I smell bad?

Do they know something I don’t?

Like what am I doing wrong?

Every party is like I don’t exist

Am I expecting something to happen?

Like what do I





I feel disconnected

Not in flow

I guess this is natural

I’m not doing anything of importance
Cause other wise people would want to talk to me



Become recognizable.

Comparative Advantage

I realize now that I shoud

Labor fallacy
Kosis stescilastic mit conputer

The best designed systems take into account who will game your system

Personal Theory of Everything

I've started my own personal wiki. In other words a personal catalog of knowledge.

I'd like to think that I have a somewhat increasingly valuable pool of knowledge. It's my own personal "theory of everything".

It's a theory only I can make, as it stems from my personal experiences in life, so it is somewhat unique.

It's not so much knowledge as it is [connections/relationships/etc] A human is good a pattern recognition, and finding the connections between things.

I will see different patterns and make different connections than someone else, and that knowledge is only accessible in my head.

I think every human in life should make their own "theory of everything"

And maybe every 100 years, we collect everyone's theories and compare them against each other. Maybe run them thru some AI that can gleam some special data from a cross examination.

Maybe that's how we further the human race and figure out what we're all meant to do.

Because what if I were to die? than my knowledge/theory would be lost forever.

So this way, i will put in my will the location of my personal Wiki, so that when I die, someone will find it, and maybe they can add some stuff to their own personal "theory of everything"

The age of mARTketing

I think artists as we know them are becoming extinct.

People know longer need to look up to mega-artists for cues or inspiration, because at any given time you can find thousands of just-as-talented artists doing crazy things somewhere on the internet.

The product is the only real thing that seems to matter in the end.

How hard is it to get noticed as an artist?
At this point being an artist is nothing special, they are a dime a dozen right?

It seems to be more virtuous to know how to "market" the art, than to actually make it.

Steve jobs once said:

"...the people that can make the company more successful are sales and marketing people. And they end up running the companies. And the product people get driven out of the decision-making forums. And the companies forget what it means to make great products. "

The Age of Ghosting

I have unlimited knowledge at my finger tips.

If I bored of my present situation, career, job, etc. I can go online and find something better.

I can learn it.

Start doing it.

But it seems increasingly difficult to get anything actually done.

Fake Death

I like to imagine that there’s a small organization out there. It’s a nameless, faceless, shadowy Knights-of-Templar kinda thing that exists for one purpose:

When a public figure crosses the “threshold” of influence on the public zeitgeist, this organization comes in and helps remove you from public existence.

It is not forceful, or perhaps it is. It’s more of an initiation if you will. A rite of passage.

Like, congratulations you’ve made it to this elite level.

The reasoning for designing ones death, is that when a figure crosses that “threshold” it is no longer practical (or responsible) for them to be making decisions under the extreme pressures that come with influencing the zeitgeist.

In theory, if they are dead, they can lead better in the shadows, and theirs legacy lives on.

To me this seems practical. Like why wouldn’t you do it this way? Why have the pressures of being alive when you can be dead but still reap all the benefits of power?


when i look at things on the internet now, it's hard for me to tell where they are from.

In other words, usually things are presented without context.

i look at any given piece of content, say, on youtube. maybe its a meme.

theres a song in the video. there are various people, images, etc.

I have no idea if this is original material, if its remixed, etc. At some point, you can't know.

The meme has become so abstracted from it's original form, that the only possible way to know what the original source is by scrubbing thru the comment section, hoping the internet collective conscious has the answer.

On tik tok, it seems like it doesn't care who made the song. usually it's not even apparent. the song itself has been commodified to serve one purpose.

it's these layers of abstraction.

its only going to increase, right?

the source material no longer matters, but its how it changes thru time. there will be no history books on memes, because each mean would require a history book.

Where is the meme version tracker? the github for memes?

humans can only hold a finite amount of information in their heads, let alone the original sources and context of any given piece of information


honestly i forgot the purpose of this was. It's a training dataset for my writing and personality. I need to feed it much more if it's going to make any sense at all.


what is this idea of infinite growth? infinite profits? infinite popularity? what happens when you achieve that?

"they" say that you never make it.



Are quantum computers basically just really advanced frequency analyzers?

Like each qbit represents a single sine wave that you tune to create the correct harmonics with whatever you're trying to find?


How will this change us? Psychologically? How we view our fellow humans on a daily basis? Will we whittle our basic interactions down to lessen our contact and exposure?

Will we unconsciously keep a distance of 6 feet from each other even though the likely hold of that doing anything is small?

The fallout from this is way worse on a psychological level than a physical level. In my humble opinion.

I feel like there is an imaginary force field around me, everyone looking at each other with cautious eyes, in self defense mode. If you are not in their forcefield, you are a potential enemy.

Of course, this could all be very wrong.


It overwhelms me everyday when I realize how tremendously out of control we are.

And out of touch.

When I say we, I’m generalizing. The average western human?

We don’t have enough brain space to imagine or care about the systems controlling our every move.

People are just trying to survive, and don’t typically care about where their “data is being hosted” or “why the YouTube algorithm is showing me this video”

Have we given up? Is it too large for us to comprehend? Why is the internet in the hands of a few large companies when it can and should be in the hands of everyone?


Ok. How do you tell the difference between a style and a format?

Let me try and define the terms.

I believe “style” is fleeting, it could be a trend, momentary.

A “format” is something lasting, it is a pillar, foundational.

Now we could also relate other terms.

“Platform” vs “plugin” perhaps

A platform is something you stand on. It supports you and you can further launch things off of it.

You cannon stand on a “plug-in”, for it is small and specialized. It probably doesn’t have a lid bearing structure.

How do you know if your idea is a platform or a plugin?

What happens when you try to force a plug-in to be a platform?

To me, I see the internet itself as a platform.
It is immense, vast and w i d e.

It is easy to be built upon.

I see things like Spotify, YouTube, SoundCloud, Netflix, these are all plugins. To me.

And yet, they masquerade as platforms.

Or should I say marketplace?

I’m not sure. But at the end of the day, they are all dealers of information. What makes one better than the other?

Well how much information do you have? How is it categorized? Labeled? Sorted? How much information do you have on the people that use this information? How can I use your information to make money?

What is the cost of transferring information? The true cost?

As Gene Kan said at the Napster hearing, “ the internet is a...

Hold up I have to find this

“The internet is the holy grail of distribution channels. It is a zero marginal cost distribution channel.”

It costs the same amount to distribute one copy of intellectual property, than it does 10 copies, or a million copies.

That being said, why should all the media in the world be siloed onto these ‘platforms’. I can’t call them platforms, the more I think about it the more they just appear to be marketplaces.

I propose an internet wide fabric that holds all the videos and songs created, hosted thru IPFS. You can design your own algorithm to find things instead of being told to consume from the black box.

But isn’t this already a thing? Isn’t that what P2P is?

If something can not be artificial manipulated than it is a problem.

I’m not sure where I’m going with this but.

When I produce music, I use a DAW. It’s a big complex program that can do many things.

If I want to make a special sound, I can use plugins.

For instance, this one plug-in I like is called SynPlant. Now I can make many sounds with this plug-in, But it has a very stylized interface, a specific sound aesthetic, and odd controls.

Now what If I tried to make SynPlant the next revolutionary music platform? Would it work? Maybe... but for how long?


ive said it before. well i say it to myself almost everyday. perhaps as an affirmation. im not sure.

it is hard for me to take anything seriously.

I blame the internet. I blame postmodernism? i dont even know what postmodernism is. does anyone?

the world is absurd, so therefore, why try and make anything serious. what is the point? it will just loose all context anyways.

you put something out into the world, and it is stripped of all context.

not a bad thing, however!

its just like. maybe 1% of people will understand the context.

And by context, i mean your perspective. your worldview. your opinions. everything you put into this art piece, frozen in time.

noone else will ever understand it. unless, maybe they are your lover. or close family member, or best friend perhaps.

I'll wrap this up by saying:

I care about so much, that I care about nothing.

can i say that better?

more romantically perhaps.

this is meant to be stream of consciousness, so trying best not to go back and delete any words that have been written.

i care a

i care about everything, therefore i care about nothing

i dont know.