July 30, 2021•224 words
I feel a white space in my heart, pulsing, vibrating, asking to be felt. An embodied sensation that ask me to mourn and think and be.
I can only be at this moment, I'm here and I'm present. I can't think ahead, my mind is not racing with thoughts.
I need to remind myself to eat and to drink enough water to make up for the tears.
Selfish, guilty, why am I feeling sad if I wasn't close enough?
I know understand better the need for funerary rituals. I feel the need to do something but there's nothing to be done, nowhere to go, nowhere to hide from the sense of dread. No going back from there, nothing, there is not a thing, not a person to go.
I'm experiencing the complexity of life while feeling the loss of death.
This is how it works, everyone knows it. I know, but no one is ever ready and we treat life like is cheap, but is not. Life is as sacred as death and we are unable to see and embody that perspective until we experience what is like not to be.
The inside of my face hurts.
Friday. 1:38 pm
The hard thing about grief is that you need to move on because there's nothing to be done.