Learning To Talk About Things

A life long journey in healing. If you know who I am, please tell no one.

Immoral

She told me
That oral is immoral
And sex is a sin
That If I want to kiss her
She should have a ring

Sodomy suits sociopaths
Abstinence is what we need
Prophylaxis is for perverts
Missionary's mandatory
As long as there's a ring!

The bed catches fire
With passionate love
Only one sided, because
It's not gold, it's
Only plated so

Enough

Why do you
Always
Want so much?

Is my love not
Enough?
You say, It is

But it always
Feels
As if you want

Material things
Expensive
That i can't give

And then it's like
Inevitable
You will get them

From someone else
And
Tell them, you love

Them too, and tell
Me
It's not the way

I love you, but that
Gifts
Are how he shows love

It makes me feel
I
Will never be enough

Is Love Enough?

Love is enough, right?
I asked the Oracle, all knowing
To fill the void
And give purpose to our meaningless days
And our lonely nights?

No, said the Oracle, infinitely wise
Love is not your cure
A life of
Suffering is not salvaged
By one mere act

But they told me that Love
Is the only thing to make me
Whole, Said I
So, O Oracle, towering high
Tell me why there's sleepless nights

Love will never fill the spaces
That were once filled with laughs
Or make you
Complete, so you should Love for
Love's sake only

Fenestra

/feˈnes.tra/ - noun
a window, an opening for light,

Haec domus quattuor fenestras habet.

This house has four windows.

I am a shadow
Of who I used to be
Look through my soul's window
You shall readily see

That I can not speak my mind
Or articulate my thoughts
With hopes and fears combined
Into monstrous mascots

That tower over my subconscious
Watching my every move
That my self, once ferocious
Is now an empty Louvre

A museum of what could have been
And what reality has wrought
Idealism peppered with shattered dreams
A desert of thought

Adequate

It feels weird when
You see your lover
Taking comfort in another
Letting her carnal desires take over
Maybe you just weren't enough after all.

It hurts to see
Her committed to me
But still sexting someone
She promised she wouldn't

Maybe I was just
Not enough for her
Sense of novelty; she
Got bored of me.

Untitled Love Poem

October, 2019

It never once occured to me
How integral you have become
To me, my life and my soundness of mind--
I owe everything to you.

I hope you never leave my side
And see me through
To the end of this human endeavour
Protect me from the everyday tragedies

Of this lifeless, loveless world
I feel caged
By expectations
Please, set me free.

Look At Me

I loved the way you would look at me.
The gaze in your eyes as you held my flaws,
My brokenness laid bare for all to see.
And though the feeling would gnaw,

At my insides that I wasn't whole.
"I love you.", you would say repeatedly,
"From the deepest part of my soul."

Byzantine

Your byzantine love is
Incomprehensible to me
As your serpentine tongue
Tangles with my own

Your labyrinthian eyes
I wonder if they lie
Or if my intuition
Will be my demise?

Like Justinian to Theodora
Just the way he adores her
Just the way
I adore you

Sublingual

As peace dissolves sublingually
A huge burden is lifted
Receptors tingle as euphoria rushes
Straight through my veins

But what good is that euphoria
Born out of nothingness
Just a substance, false enchantment
But somehow life feels complete

And all the worries that ever plagued me
Living rent free in my head
All the pain, all the suffering
Just goes to bed

This euphoria scares me
And I don't know what to do with it
Because it's ephemeral
Fake and fleeting

And the next morning
Things will be normal
Or as normal as can be
Just fragments of a feeling forgotten

A figment realm where all is good
And nothing can ever touch me again
A different realm where peace exists
Oh please don't make me return again!

Hysteria

Hysterically crying
Salt on my lips
Your tears taste
Exquisite

Hidden in the light
Framed in the doors
Oh heavens where did
You go before?

Rachmaninoff,
Liebeslied
Love's sorrow? More like
Dissapointment

Empty dreams
Freud reigns supreme
Please interpret
My maladies

Not Happening Tonight

Within my memories
There is a place
Special to me
Where you're not dead
Though I can't remember
The ways you moved
Over and over
It runs in a loop

I see you walking
I see you smile
I see you talking
I see you cry
Every time I watch
You grow farther away
Maybe, just maybe
You'll come back one day

Until then, all I have
Is this approximation
Basically a lie
Because you're not like that
A cheap facsimile
You're not alive
You're not there
You can't smile

All I can do
Is watch teary eyed
You bid me goodbye
Framed against the light
I wish I could go back
But I really can't
Forgetting you is just
Not happening tonight

Noctis 2

As Noctis embraced me gently
Ecstasy ran through my veins
Oh, I forgot to tell you
Noctis came back again

I thought she had gone away for good
When we had last parted ways
But it seems I was pleasantly wrong
Because I got to see her again

Dressed in white, an ethereal beauty
Yet beyond the sin of touch
Still, for me, the pitiful wretch
Her pure thoughts were enough

"I will be here when you need me
You just need to let things go
Not take world's burdens on your shoulders
You should just take things slow

Believe me, I will always return
Again and again for all time
Rest now, you will see me again
You need to let go of your pain"

Saying this she embraced me tighter
Though I could still not feel her embrace
But somehow her warmth enveloped my body
And deep slumber followed then

Memory Incomplete

Never ever in my life
Have I had a gala for my birth
What significance does a date have
For a newly born babe?

Maybe once, when I was small
But it was loud and traumatic
I still find myself sticking
To walls at parties

But I always wanted a surprise birthday party
The idea always seemed so pretty
And after all, why not?
I had thrown so many after all.

Every year, my expectations waned
Forget parties, I want a card
Hand made, ornate, with all the folding bits
And every year I was promised one

By those I called my friends
They'd have made it, had I reminded them
But, I wanted them to remember
My birthday by themselves

Sabbatical

I don't normally write this kind of stuff, but I was really angry. So here goes nothing.

This is a story
Raw, painful, gory
It ain't a BT, simply reality
This world that we live in, monsters meandering
Innocent facades in front of their mom and sister
But behind closed doors she begs "rape me mister"
Crying and choking, negative consent
But she'll have to say it or he'll make her repent
Grunting, pounding, sweating like an animal
He rapes his own daughter like her mom's on sabbatical
Which maybe she is, considering the wine
Dulled her to the point where it was all fine
To the point she never heard the sounds coming out
As her teenager's body was taking the full clout
Of her own daddy's weight and guts
Pushing down and into her until he ruts
Like a fucking animal, that's all he is
He won't amount to anything more than this
But what of the girl, destroyed every night?
What will become of her inescapable plight?
Maybe she will be like her mother
Die inside while living like another
Or maybe she will find the brightest of futures
Statistics after all don't paint a bright picture

Personal Hell

Standing at the gates of hell
You'll rip out my heart
Put it on the scales
Weigh it against a feather
Decide, determine, which is lighter

I'm sure my heart will be heavier
Not for my sins, which can
Be forgiven, maybe forgotten
But nothing weighs more
Than the simplest of sorrows

The sorrows of life
Amid the joys
Will outweigh the feather
Tip the scales
Grant me my ticket
To my personal hell

Icarus

The eternal life of cosmic ray
Is something truly mesmerizing
For long before we walked this Earth

And long after we are gone
And every semblance of our
Civilization built on the backs of slaves

Will be undone and returned to dust
For nothing else will remain
Of our modern Ozymandias

Or should we say
We are Icarus
And our wax wings will wane

But even after all the fragments
Of our ephemeral lives
Vanish into nothingness

All the figments of our imaginations
And all the mental monsters made manifest
Will all be gone, reduced to naught

The cosmos, with its cosmic rays
Will never notice we are gone