Long time no see. I mean, read. Ah whatever. As always, life doesn’t stop throwing things my way, but I want to write about one specific event that happened a few days ago. I have this one teacher, who is incredibly honest. Which is why I know that she doesn’t like people all that much. I respect that, because people are often very shitty. In any case, at the end of my last lesson with her, while everyone was packing up, eager to have lunch, she came up to me and asked if I could stay for ...

Hello again. I haven’t forgotten you. Well, I kinda did, but I’m determined to make this more of a daily ritual again. I’ve encountered a very strange thing this weekend: For the first time in a long time, I have basically nothing to do for or during next week (apart from a little homework), and I have found myself…bored. I haven’t been bored in weeks. I was always so busy doing things, going to appointments, working for school, studying, that I never felt boredom. Boredom itself is a ...

Have I talked about communication on here before? I don’t remember, and I’m too lazy to look it up. Anyway, communication is key. We all know that saying. But MY GOD have I learned how true it is. I mean, just watch a few episodes of Grey’s Anatomy, 99 per cent of the problems there were created by poor communication. My own relationship, too, has taught me its importance. Luckily, my partner and I are both pretty good at communicating by default, me because I’m a big talker, and him because...

More often than ever, what I need is a break. Just a little break. But life doesn’t give me breaks right now. There’s always something to do, someone to talk to, another task to complete. So breaks have to happen in a…different way. Less of an actual pause and more of a distraction from my day-to-day routine that pushes me into my dark feelings. Like singing. I started taking singing lessons only a few weeks ago, but it’s been brilliant. I have a lot to learn, no doubt, but I’m progressi...

I was at a basketball game today. Our national women’s team. At first, it looked like they were going to loose, but then they gained points very quickly. For most of the game, the score was pretty much even. And then, in the last quarter, they slowly scored higher and higher. The other team got close to overtaking them a few times, but every time, our team had the upper hand. It was a damn close win, but a win nonetheless. What I want to say with this: No matter how much you feel like you’re...

What to write about today? Maybe about how the only one capable of taking responsibility for your mind and body is…you. I’ve had lots of people suggest things they thought I should do or change, some of which were helpful, others were bullshit. I know we all sometimes just want to stop having to care, to let someone else take the wheel, but that doesn’t work, believe me. You know yourself best. Trust your feelings, instincts, your heart. That’s all I can say today. Peace out, Emili...

For most of my life, I have been a pessimist. I’ve felt very comfortable in being one. “If you’re already assuming the worst case scenario will happen, you can’t be disappointed”, I always said. Which of course, is sort of true. But it also changes you. Makes you miserable. My therapist once told me that the optimist and the pessimist both live the same life, the latter is just making it harder for themselves. There is no point. I know that being disappointed by life hurts, but there’s so ...

A few things that are great: The series “The Sandman” “House M. D. “ MacBooks Cuddles There’s more, but I’m tired. Peace out, Emilia ...

A weird day today. Not eventful in terms of school (only had an exam), but in…other stuff. I will be short: As John Lennon once cleverly said, “life is what happens while you’re busy making other plans”. Things rarely ever go our way. That doesn’t mean all is lost though. New chances, new opportunities, new people, new places. Don’t despair. All will be well in the end, if you decide that it will. Peace out, Emilia ...

Good day, folks. How are you? I so appreciate slow days. Not necessarily in terms of lying around, doing nothing, but rather having a loose schedule with regular breaks, taking your time with things. As someone who is affected by stress a lot, this is very nice. And I did get rather many things done today. First of all, I continued studying (maths exam tomorrow, hey), which went quite well. I also took care of some preparations for my boyfriend’s birthday which will be soon. And lastly, I d...

My day is ending way better than it started. And I’m not sure if it’s the medication, because it’s supposed to take a couple weeks to really show effect, but for whatever reason, I’ve been feeling better since noon. And hey, that’s definitely something. I am quite curious how the next few weeks will go. As of now, I’m tired, so… Peace out, Emilia ...

Big day today. I got some meds, whohoo. It was quite a piece of work. My doctor was relatively reluctant to give them to me, which is understandable because it’s no easy decision. But I have hope that these might help me. So I can finally be okay again, REALLY okay. Not anxiously awaiting the next moment of spiralling despair, when I want to push everyone away and jump out of some window. And don’t get me wrong, I’m also fucking nervous about the side effects and general effectiveness, a...

Today was a good day. Those happen sometimes. A day full of kindness. I had a job interview for working with disabled people. My boyfriend got accepted into a program he applied for. I had great conversations. I comforted a friend who was feeling bad. I talked to my therapist about my recent struggles. She gave me a gift (and told me she likes me :) ). I will appreciate these moments. I encourage you to do too. Peace out, Emilia ...

Today’s post won’t be long, but I want to at least try to write anything at all. I think what I want to talk about is perseverance. Something so fundamental, yet so seemingly impossible sometimes. Because when we’re down, feeling awful, we can’t imagine going on. We don’t see light around us, and so we assume there isn’t any. But that’s the thing. If you only keep going a little further, you will see that there IS light, there IS hope and it WILL get better. And we aren’t always in the...

Distraction is sometimes a good thing. When you feel crappy, doing something you like can help lift the feeling of dread and frustration. Listen to music, exercise, read a book. Do something for yourself. Prioritise your mental health. It’s too easy to forget about those little breaks, the moments of rightful egoism that you NEED. Everybody does. Just for once, ignore what other people say, think, do, and simply take some time for you own well-being. That, of course, requires you to know w...

There is something comforting in finding something that you identify with. Even if it’s a mental illness. I looked up some disorders in an official psychology textbook today, and hey, I found some that fit all too well. When I read those symptoms and each and every one aligned with my experience…it was both relieving and scary. Scary because this meant my issues are serious, and I can’t avoid getting treatment for them anymore. Relieving because there is finally proof my suffering isn’t me...

Once again, my boyfriend has been correct. I should’ve known. Because talking to my friends about my issues isn’t the worst thing ever. Might even be helpful. I did, today. I met a friend of mine in a café after work, we had hot beverages (her a hot chocolate with oat milk, me a rooibos vanilla tea) and talked about our lives. Our futures, pasts and presents. And it was nice. I gave some advice, and she asked some questions. We joked, we laughed. Overall a good idea. Plus, the tea wa...

I don’t want my streak to end again, but I really need to sleep. It’s my last time working at my still-workplace tomorrow, and hey, I’m pretty happy about that. Plus, I have a job interview for my (possible) next one next week. Today wasn’t a great day, mentally. I’m trying, though, to snap out of it more quickly, and to resist the temptation of giving in to the bad feelings. I finally talked to one of my best friends about my issues. And I decided that I will ask my therapist for a psyc...

Today’s word of the day is “Enjoy”. When we’re frustrated, moody, sad, we don’t see those little things, those sparks of happiness all around us. So enjoy them as often as you can. A good movie, family dinner, kisses, they are only fragments of our lives, but they’re so important. And further, if you can, create moments for others to enjoy too. You’re not alone in this world, so you can’t act like it. Give back to people, or start giving. Be nice to those colleagues. Help your family me...

Today we have me, with another pro tip. Just listen to the people around you sometimes. When they tell you not to worry, they aren't being blind to the endless possibilities of how things could go wrong (at least most of the time). They are probably right. I know that it feels like you're the only one who sees the reality, the only one who senses the dangers, but I can assure you: In 99 per cent of the cases, you are not. Instead, what is happening is a simple procedure. Peer review. Lik...

I love the details of life. How I watch specific YouTube videos with my partner. How we flirt with each other, tease and make fun of us. The way we grin while we tell each other that we’ve got gifts, but they’re secret and the other one can’t know yet. I love rituals. Specials forks. Phrases, repeated every day. Secret code that only we know. I love sharing my life, my thoughts with someone who loves me in ways I cannot yet love myself. And I love loving that person, because he deserves be...

Hello friend, Today should be a day of gratitude. I have a lot to be thankful for. I am thankful for being alive, first of all. It’s not self evident. I was born two months early, I could’ve died at any moment during the first few months of my life. I am thankful for my upbringing. Despite certain traumatic events, I was always loved, always safe, always had enough food and water and shelter. I was taught many important values and lessons. I am thankful for my childhood, which was colourf...

Sometimes, things just work out. The alarm rings at 5AM, and you feel rested and ready for the day. You get to work in time with no issues. And even though things are hurried today, you get your tasks done quite efficiently. The hours fly by, and soon it’s the end of your shift. Despite a misunderstanding, you keep calm and turn the situation into something positive. When you arrive home, your boyfriend is waiting for you already, with lots of cuddles and talk about our days. Your fami...

I’m by no means an expert on relationships. Especially romantic ones. God, the one I’m in right now could be classified as my first SERIOUS relationship. But they’re complex. I know that much. Throughout the last months, I’ve learned that the times of undisturbed peace don’t last, soon the next life changing event will come up. What matters is how you deal with that. I used to despair at those quickly changing tides. And my boyfriend would shrug and say “that’s life”. He was right, of course...

I don’t like my boss. I think he’s a colossal asshole who is used to everyone just taking his crap. He makes employees cry. A lot. Almost did that to me a few times, too. But since I decided to quit, I’ve had a revelation. If it was the act of putting in my resignation, or my bettering mental health, I’m not sure. More and more, I’m able to just deflect his attacks. It really does help to scream “fuck you!!!!” in your head when he shits on you for taking a second too long to understand ...

I’m not well. That’s why I’ve missed yesterday’s post. And today wasn’t all great either. But the one thing I love about today is my boyfriend. The person who has stood behind me through everything, from late-night crying to being angry and unnecessarily mean. I have no idea when this bad phase will end, but my one goal is to not push my partner away, because I can consider myself lucky to have him in the first place. Oh, and cake. Cake is great too. Peace out, Emilia ...

My only messages today: Give yourself time. I know how hard it can be. I struggle with it so much too. But it’s the only thing to do. Change won’t happen overnight. You can do it. Peace out, Emilia ...

Here I am again, with a longer post as promised. Today I want to talk about something I touched upon in a prior post, a concept that is very much integral to this blog. “In order to be there for others, you first have to be there for yourself.” I think this is something we’ve all heard before, maybe even nodded at in agreement. Sure, it seems logical enough. But as many things in life, this is easier said than done. For long years, I’ve had a tendency to view myself as the exception in ma...

I promise these short posts won’t become a thing. I’m just on a birthday, so not much time to write. Still want to keep up the challenge tho. So here’s a list of good things: hyperactive cats mint tea cooking marinated tofu music on repeat giving gifts writing with your partner laughing with strangers garlic bread Good night for now. Peace out, Emilia ...

Not much again from me today. However, I do want to say one thing: The best thing you can do for yourself, your well-being, your happiness, is to create a home. A place (or person) to go back to, that gives you the strength and support you need. I’m not saying it’s impossible to become better alone, I’m just saying it’s a lot harder. And you’re allowed to make your life a bit easier sometimes. Peace out, Emilia ...

This is not my usual kind of post. It might not be as positive, and I think today that’s alright. Today is my father’s death day. I don’t know exactly how many years it commemorates, but it should be around 13 or 14. I didn’t even know until this evening, when my mother texted me about it. In the past, we’ve often gone to my father’s grave on his birthday (and we ate pizza at the cemetery, which was quite cool), but we never really did anything on his death day, so I didn’t know. My fath...

Boundaries are fucking difficult. They are, there’s no way to sugarcoat it. Especially if you grew up a chronic people pleaser, like me. To this day, I derive a major part of my self-confidence from other people’s opinions of me. Or what I perceive as their opinion, anyway. It’s what I’m working on most in therapy. And not being able to set healthy boundaries comes right with that package. It’s simply a survival strategy, because if you don’t have boundaries, you are free to do whatever is...

For now quite precisely a year, I’ve struggled with food and my eating behaviour. It never evolved into a serious eating disorder, I think, but it did screw with my mental health and perception of my body significantly. For a few months, though, I’ve been getting better. Going to the gym has definitely helped, because my food issues mostly stem from dissatisfaction with my body, and now that I’m actively working on it (and beginning to see results!!!), I feel less of a need to starve myself to...

“You gotta find your passion, and you’ll never be bored in your life, when you do what you love.” A quote by a famous philosopher, a celebrity figure maybe? No, I was told this by my tour guide who led us through Dublin today. A nice guy, with a seemingly unending knowledge about the city and Ireland as a country. I wish I could process and save all of the gossip, history facts and inside info I heard, but that would require a lifetime of study. Which is what the tour guide did. Study all of ...

Today, I’m writing from Dublin. Going here — or rather the thought of doing so — has undeniably caused me a lot of anxiety and worry. Would I be able to afford enough food without asking friends or my family for more money? Would I get along with the people on the trip? Would I be bored out of my mind? What today has taught me is that things rarely turn out as bad as your imagination is trying to convince you they will. Everything has worked out great so far, we were at the airport early, the...

Good morning. I’m awake too early, the alarm won’t go off until 7:30AM. Might as well use my time productively. When I was in about 8th grade, I decided I needed a role model. I’d never actively had one, and since everyone else seemed to value them quite a lot, I figured it was my turn to choose. After some consideration, I ended up with Professor Dumbledore. Why, you may ask? Simply because he gave everyone second chances, especially tragic characters, like Snape. To me, that character tr...

Almost missed this one. Fortunately, the reason why I almost did -- and why this will be a short post -- is the same why I'm writing this at all. Sometimes, the good things, the magic moments of your life, they flood the time you thought you had. At least that's what happened to me today. This is not normally a piece of advice I'd give, since I don't think it is generally applicable, but: ROMANTICISE YOUR LIFE! Of course, it's also important to be realistic at times, and yet there is somet...

Have you ever heard of the "Pea-Technique"? I learned it from my therapist. I'm pretty sure she didn't invent it though, so some of you may know it too, perhaps under a different name. In short, it is a technique that is supposed to help you focus on the positives in life, instead of drowning in depressive thoughts. You need: • dried chickpeas or peas or any kind of small, round pebble • two pockets How it works: • in the morning, you put the peas in one of your pockets, that will be your "...

Hello world. This is me, Emilia, and I have never written a blog before. Stories, songs, essays, sure. But this is day 0 of being a blogger. The reason I'm starting this little project is fairly simple: I want to get better. For the last few years, I've struggled with my mental health. A lot. There are things in my life to justify that struggle, I might write about them someday. Therapy has helped immensely, and my boyfriend has supported me in more ways than could ever be expected of anyone, ...