Day 1/100

day one of one hundred

I have experienced a lot. I have been in the midst of chaos, trauma, and death, things I wished to never experience at all.

Each entry will be an authentic and genuine attempt to make sense of any of the infinite things that seem to be keeping me stuck; and the unfoldings of whatever my life becomes along this timeline. It will quickly become evident how abnormally fast things seem to change in my life on just a week to week basis. As soon as I begin to catch up, I realise everything is suddenly different. 

Some key insights:

  • Everything is always good right up until the moment that everything is bad.
  • I learned that everything can be taken from you__ in an instant._
  • _I learned that a persons capacity for evil __cannot__ be predicted by their behaviour; no matter how well you __think__ you know them;_
  • _That __the potential of life and death__ is not held by any higher power, but is left to the split decisions of the person standing before you;_
  • That even if you __beg for help__ for the first time in your life; when you truly needed it most; no-one is obligated to answer. And usually they wont._

It is an unfortunate fact that within _the most helpless, mentally damaging events of our lives_ that we will find ourselves _completely, absolutely_, alone.**

ACCEPTANCE

The state of acceptance is not synonymous with one of stagnation.
Acceptance is the only place from which you can create the conditions for change.

You have to accept everything as it is, there is no other way to truly experience the world. You will be constantly pushed into scenarios which are an attempt to bring awareness to that of which you won’t accept.

These patterns will continue on repeat while you project your subconscious onto every interaction you have with the world. Notice the patterns, ask yourself how you continue ending up here.

You are living within delusion. You could never improve on something which you’ve failed to percieve at all.

2 years, 7 months. Dont worry, it never got easier.

I told you you had to die, and you did.

Flashbacks are still debilitating. The times of vulnerability where his eyes contained the deepest, most sincere sadness and loneliness I’ve ever had to witness in an individual.

How much pain he had to feel.

That there was no refuge from his suffering - that the only way he learned to cope was by detaching from humanity - the only fun he got to feel was the result of treating life as a game in which the objective was to determine how much he could get away with without consequences; legal and social. Thinking of the most absurd thing possible and doing it.

Recklessness. Endangerment of others. Messing with people. Proving that eventually everybody stops trying.

That my last messages were so hostile, and his last moments were spent pleading for me to help him; I couldn’t look past my own ego and think clearly for just one moment.

—-

January 31st, 2019, 5.30am. I received the last messages from you.
I would have needed to intervene 3 years before-hand if I was going to change anything at all, but I still haven’t forgiven myself for never forgiving you.


Your death forced me to open my eyes, and acknowledge that nothing in this world lasts for as long as you think it will. Your death allowed for the dissolution of everything I had decided to build my beliefs upon. What I'd known to be 'true'.

You were the only person who had ever treated me well, with true and unconditional love.

Unfortunately I was also the only person in the world you were capable of caring for. Unfortunately I really was the only person who could have helped you survive. But I opted out.

What reason is there?

The only reason a person would and could continue to pursue a goal they find so difficult to achieve must be to make an improvement in the lives of those around them; to create a positive change that remains outside and beyond themselves.

Consider this reason, remember this reason, articulate and look back upon this during each reflection, and any time your motivation begins to fault.

Don’t ever frame your efforts as if they’re a forced and conditional transaction. You choose to engage in every action you take. Don't ever forget that you have 100% control over what you will and will not do.

Don’t allow yourself to get stuck in thought loops. The ones where you tell yourself you aren’t good enough, and in which you believe you don’t want to do the work. Consistency will get you miles in front, more than you can comprehend. Stay consistent each day focusing on how you, yourself, can be better.

You will need to be a whole person before you are able to reach beyond yourself to help those you love.

Be patient while putting yourself back together. Without a solid foundation, you will both collapse.

Knowing Yourself

You must find out how to know yourself truly.

Through self-analysis and introspection; by acknowledging your emotional responses in each specific situation. What makes you uncomfortable? What makes you happy? What is good, and what is bad? These are all the defining borders of who you might be.

Unfortunately it isn't so easy to take the time to know yourself.

This unawareness of self and worth and boundaries is exactly the exacerbating problem you're trying to fix. Until you take a moment to stop, you will be behaving in a reactive manner at all times, without any consideration of self or for others. You reflect upon the disintegration of each relationship you've experienced. You're not "good" or "bad", but neither are they.

Nurturing the frame of mind which allows for openness and acceptance is the only way for you to accept your wrongs, forgive, and let go. This does not equate to self-betterment. Unfortunately, behaviour change is difficult; especially those responses that are reflexive, innate, and defensive.

Typically, when operating without awareness we will accept the constant violation of our boundaries because we don't even know what they are. If this has always been the default mode, you'll never notice how your sense of self has been shaped by giving your time to the ones you’ve always known, who treat you how you’ve always been.

As you continue unconsciously, the boundaries of who you are and who you’re not are warped by those who've surrounded you. When you start to notice the patterns, you will realise that mostly, you did not choose these people.

It is up to no one but yourself to decide who you are. Do not forfeit your right to agency.

Who do you tolerate for reasons you aren't even aware of? If you didn't have to speak to this person again, would you ever even think of them? In what ways do you allow your time to be wasted? In what ways do you waste your own time?

Why are you unable to trust your intuitions?

Bye Bye Spider

  • Mix ½ cup of white vinegar,
  • 1½ cups water;
  • and twenty drops of peppermint essential oil.

Shake the mixture well, and then it’s ready for use.

Identify any problem areas in the home, and any entry points for the bugs. Typically you will want to spray in and down the corners of each room; the perimeters of any doors; around windows/windowsills and any other ledges...
Ensure you get the corners of the room, starting from the roof and spraying down along the wall to meet the floor.

Readdress every few weeks.

Day 5

Unfortunately in life and love it is highly likely that someone at somepoint, whom you love deeply, is going to abandon you.
It wont make sense to you; often they themselves might not fully understand why they're leaving.

In these moments it is near impossible to consider that anything in the world could ever make sense again without the person you love.
No matter how much you analyse each moment, you will never truly know the entire reason why they had to leave -
Until you can accept this; you will continue to hurt. You will notice the way your mind blames itself.

You are helplessly watching the unravelling belief that you have control; at all; of anything.

it's easier to suggest that the problem is within you.

Maybe if you could just find the part of you which must be so damaged to have caused your lover to turn away - then you could repair it. Show them you have changed.

Theres nothing wrong though, with you, or them. Denial of this will ensure that you remain stuck in place; nothing can make sense again if you continue looking inward, tearing your insides apart to find the explanation you so desperately need - the defect you must contain - the refusal to let go of control. The denial of the one and only truth - that nothing is up to you.

You will never know if it was your fault; but I am able to tell you with sincerity that things just fall apart some times. The idea that any scenario could stem from a single persons bad decision is evidently unrealistic. No matter where you look, you will find that it is too complex to determine the causation in regards to anything. Things just happen.

In order to continue forwards you must focus on comprehending the notion that sometimes there is nobody to blame.

Everything is as it is. I am; You are.

Anti-Vision

Imagine This: I continued on the positive trajectory I was on, I finished my uni degree as planned right about now, with honours, and am ready to work as a provisional psychologist.

Or, I actually continued with pole dancing instead of dropping out as soon as I got to the point of competing nationally, would now have been teaching for 4 years & training for 6.

Really I can choose to interject at any single point along the timeline and it always seems like things could have gone better.

It is so incredibly simple to see an outcome where everything goes perfect. It is impossible, with consideration of the compounding effect each indiscernible decision within the intricacies of life to date, to imagine any outcome.

There is no other trajectory. Maybe I never broke up with him, only for us to inevitably separate after spending another 2 years unable to meet each others needs. Maybe we never separated and then ended up miserable for the rest of our lives.

If I could intervene at any stage I would chose the point in time where I allowed my values to falter, in which my “one thing” became my addiction to methamphetamine.

At the end of the day none of that matters. I cant change the past. I have to let it go.

Day 3/100

Refusing to let go of addictive behaviours and old routines.

Frustrating myself because I used to function in spite of these, so why can't I function anymore?

I can’t keep comparing myself to the person I used to be, assuming I have to be the person I used to be. I’m nothing like that person now. That isn't me.

I have to learn brand new strategies and techniques. What used to work is no longer working. In order to ever progress I have to begin to look for answers else-where - but where? Outside of self-help books and productivity? I suppose the answer can only be found within myself.

I just want things to feel like they make sense.

The Evening Review

Day 2

The evening review is such a simple yet valuable practice to cultivate.

As you write each note and conclude the day, you generate a tiny dot, where you are in essence, leaving a gift for your future self. Day after day, each connects to the next to create a timeline of tiny little dots, or, an individuals subjective recollections of living.

Later on down the line, you'll be able to look back along the string of chronological dots you've sown together and not only find pride in your consistency, but be able to understand exactly where you are and why.

These reviews, regardless of their chronological status, will ensure that you are never lost.

Ask yourself each day:

  1. Were you aware of what you needed to do?
  2. Did you achieve what you wanted to?
  3. How could you be better than you were today, tomorrow?

Important Questions that Nobody Has the Answers to

Basically my mind is chaos, disorganised severely to the point I can’t even do two tasks in a row, or one task to completion, or whatever your metric is for productivity but I am in dire neeed of clarity.

There is no fucking way I could ever accurately judge the tasks I'm supposed to do; or the tasks I even need to do; if I have no idea what the fuck they even are.

Unformulated reminders appear in my conscious awareness for just a moment, but are replaced by another too fast for me to actually close any of the imprinted loops - resulting in so many loose ends I don’t know how it where I’d begin.

— The resounding, top level questions which I’ve been able to identify in order to begin categorising the endless mental chatter; and which I need to define clearly and concisely for myself start here.

“What are your priorities?”

Identify the "areas" of your life

  1. What does the word "areas" even mean to you in this context
  2. Where are your priorities fucking up?

Like where have you fucked up while acting unconsciously? what do you do in your day to day life that is causing your lack of congruence. What would your priorities look like from the mind of an observer?

  1. Learn to address each and every thought loop:

Listen to and take note of your intuitions, take note of every idea, every project, every venture. Most of them have potential; but you dismiss them too quickly to analyse them at all.
Stop trying to move so fast. Jot down your ideas when you can, and then take the time to flesh them out. Only then will you be able to accurately judge what is necessary to retain; and what is complete junk

  • Who are you?
  • Who are you really?
  • What is your view of yourself?
  • How do you think others view you?
  • How would you view someone else who acts the way you do?
  • What issues can you address that may reduce the animosity you harbour towards your ‘self’?
  • How do you begin to disengage from self-depreciating behaviours?