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#100days the daily intrigues of an abnormal mind

Bye Bye Spider

  • Mix ½ cup of white vinegar,
  • 1½ cups water;
  • and twenty drops of peppermint essential oil.

Shake the mixture well, and then it’s ready for use.

Identify any problem areas in the home, and any entry points for the bugs. Typically you will want to spray in and down the corners of each room; the perimeters of any doors; around windows/windowsills and any other ledges...
Ensure you get the corners of the room, starting from the roof and spraying down along the wall to meet the floor.

Readdress every few weeks.

Day 5

Unfortunately in life and love it is highly likely that someone at somepoint, whom you love deeply, is going to abandon you.
It wont make sense to you; often they themselves might not fully understand why they're leaving.

In these moments it is near impossible to consider that anything in the world could ever make sense again without the person you love.
No matter how much you analyse each moment, you will never truly know the entire reason why they had to leave -
Until you can accept this; you will continue to hurt. You will notice the way your mind blames itself.

You are helplessly watching the unravelling belief that you have control; at all; of anything.

it's easier to suggest that the problem is within you.

Maybe if you could just find the part of you which must be so damaged to have caused your lover to turn away - then you could repair it. Show them you have changed.

Theres nothing wrong though, with you, or them. Denial of this will ensure that you remain stuck in place; nothing can make sense again if you continue looking inward, tearing your insides apart to find the explanation you so desperately need - the defect you must contain - the refusal to let go of control. The denial of the one and only truth - that nothing is up to you.

You will never know if it was your fault; but I am able to tell you with sincerity that things just fall apart some times. The idea that any scenario could stem from a single persons bad decision is evidently unrealistic. No matter where you look, you will find that it is too complex to determine the causation in regards to anything. Things just happen.

In order to continue forwards you must focus on comprehending the notion that sometimes there is nobody to blame.

Everything is as it is. I am; You are.

Anti-Vision

Imagine This: I continued on the positive trajectory I was on, I finished my uni degree as planned right about now, with honours, and am ready to work as a provisional psychologist.

Or, I actually continued with pole dancing instead of dropping out as soon as I got to the point of competing nationally, would now have been teaching for 4 years & training for 6.

Really I can choose to interject at any single point along the timeline and it always seems like things could have gone better.

It is so incredibly simple to see an outcome where everything goes perfect. It is impossible, with consideration of the compounding effect each indiscernible decision within the intricacies of life to date, to imagine any outcome.

There is no other trajectory. Maybe I never broke up with him, only for us to inevitably separate after spending another 2 years unable to meet each others needs. Maybe we never separated and then ended up miserable for the rest of our lives.

If I could intervene at any stage I would chose the point in time where I allowed my values to falter, in which my “one thing” became my addiction to methamphetamine.

At the end of the day none of that matters. I cant change the past. I have to let it go.

Day 3/100

Refusing to let go of addictive behaviours and old routines.

Frustrating myself because I used to function in spite of these, so why can't I function anymore?

I can’t keep comparing myself to the person I used to be, assuming I have to be the person I used to be. I’m nothing like that person now. That isn't me.

I have to learn brand new strategies and techniques. What used to work is no longer working. In order to ever progress I have to begin to look for answers else-where - but where? Outside of self-help books and productivity? I suppose the answer can only be found within myself.

I just want things to feel like they make sense.

The Evening Review

Day 2

The evening review is such a simple yet valuable practice to cultivate.

As you write each note and conclude the day, you generate a tiny dot, where you are in essence, leaving a gift for your future self. Day after day, each connects to the next to create a timeline of tiny little dots, or, an individuals subjective recollections of living.

Later on down the line, you'll be able to look back along the string of chronological dots you've sown together and not only find pride in your consistency, but be able to understand exactly where you are and why.

These reviews, regardless of their chronological status, will ensure that you are never lost.

Ask yourself each day:

  1. Were you aware of what you needed to do?
  2. Did you achieve what you wanted to?
  3. How could you be better than you were today, tomorrow?

Important Questions that Nobody Has the Answers to

Basically my mind is chaos, disorganised severely to the point I can’t even do two tasks in a row, or one task to completion, or whatever your metric is for productivity but I am in dire neeed of clarity.

There is no fucking way I could ever accurately judge the tasks I'm supposed to do; or the tasks I even need to do; if I have no idea what the fuck they even are.

Unformulated reminders appear in my conscious awareness for just a moment, but are replaced by another too fast for me to actually close any of the imprinted loops - resulting in so many loose ends I don’t know how it where I’d begin.

— The resounding, top level questions which I’ve been able to identify in order to begin categorising the endless mental chatter; and which I need to define clearly and concisely for myself start here.

“What are your priorities?”

Identify the "areas" of your life

  1. What does the word "areas" even mean to you in this context
  2. Where are your priorities fucking up?

Like where have you fucked up while acting unconsciously? what do you do in your day to day life that is causing your lack of congruence. What would your priorities look like from the mind of an observer?

  1. Learn to address each and every thought loop:

Listen to and take note of your intuitions, take note of every idea, every project, every venture. Most of them have potential; but you dismiss them too quickly to analyse them at all.
Stop trying to move so fast. Jot down your ideas when you can, and then take the time to flesh them out. Only then will you be able to accurately judge what is necessary to retain; and what is complete junk

  • Who are you?
  • Who are you really?
  • What is your view of yourself?
  • How do you think others view you?
  • How would you view someone else who acts the way you do?
  • What issues can you address that may reduce the animosity you harbour towards your ‘self’?
  • How do you begin to disengage from self-depreciating behaviours?