Today so far, has been filled with fear. I'm scared of what's supposed to happen; what the future is meant to be; where I will go wrong repeating old habits; how much I'd like to not fail myself but how much I always do. How little understanding of myself I actually have. I'm delusional; living in falsehood - I'm aware of it but it's too hard to accept the alternatives. It's hard not to hate yourself. How could I approach someone like this with compassion? Don't look at things in black and...

"What ever is there when you're paying the closest attention stands a better chance at 'being real'; than that which appears to be real, when you're not paying attention." - Sam Harris When a thought, experience, craving - any kind of perception or belief; starts to disintegrate once examined with objectivity you can be sure that it is not real. Try to follow a thought from its' emergence - presence - through to dissolution from a detached frame of mind. If you can manage this you will be ...

This is a refined repost. Complex trauma, it turns out, is very difficult to heal from. I have experienced a lot of pain. Each entry will be an authentic and genuine attempt to make sense of any of the infinite things that seem to be keeping me stuck; and the unfoldings of whatever my life becomes along this timeline. It will quickly become evident how abnormally fast things seem to change in my life. As soon as I begin to catch up, I realise everything is just suddenly different.  The ...

The state of acceptance is not synonymous with one of stagnation. Acceptance is the only place from which you can create the conditions for change. You have to accept everything as it is, there is no other way to truly experience the world. You will be constantly pushed into scenarios which are an attempt to bring awareness to that of which you won’t accept. These patterns will continue on repeat while you project your subconscious onto every interaction you have with the world. Notice the p...

I told you you had to die, and you did. Flashbacks are still debilitating. The times of vulnerability where his eyes contained the deepest, most sincere sadness and loneliness I’ve ever had to witness in an individual. How much pain he had to feel. That there was no refuge from his suffering - that the only way he learned to cope was by detaching from humanity - the only fun he got to feel was the result of treating life as a game in which the objective was to determine how much he could ge...

The only reason a person would and could continue to pursue a goal they find so difficult to achieve must be to make an improvement in the lives of those around them; to create a positive change that remains outside and beyond themselves. Consider this reason, remember this reason, articulate and look back upon this during each reflection, and any time your motivation begins to fault. Don’t ever frame your efforts as if they’re a forced and conditional transaction. You choose to engage in ev...

You must find out how to know yourself, truly. Through self-analysis and introspection. By acknowledging and contemplating how each specific situation makes you feel; What makes you uncomfortable? What makes you happy? What is good, and what is bad? How can you tell? What are the characteristics that allow you to differentiate the two? Is it all rationalisation, or do you feel the physiological sensations too? These are all the defining borders of who you might be. Unfortunately it isn'...

Mix ½ cup of white vinegar, 1½ cups water; and twenty drops of peppermint essential oil. Shake the mixture well, and then it’s ready for use. Identify any problem areas in the home, and any entry points for the bugs. Typically you will want to spray in and down the corners of each room; the perimeters of any doors; around windows/windowsills and any other ledges... Ensure you get the corners of the room, starting from the roof and spraying down along the wall to meet the floor. Readdr...

Unfortunately in life and love it is highly likely that someone at somepoint, whom you love deeply, is going to abandon you. It wont make sense to you; often they themselves might not fully understand why they're leaving. In these moments it is near impossible to consider that anything in the world could ever make sense again without the person you love. No matter how much you analyse each moment, you will never truly know the entire reason why they had to leave - Until you can accept this; ...

Refusing to let go of addictive behaviours and old routines. Frustrating myself because I used to function in spite of these, so why can't I function anymore? I can’t keep comparing myself to the person I used to be, assuming I have to be the person I used to be. I’m nothing like that person now. That isn't me. I have to learn brand new strategies and techniques. What used to work is no longer working. In order to ever progress I have to begin to look for answers else-where - but where? Ou...

Day 2 The evening review is such a simple yet valuable practice to cultivate. As you write each note and conclude the day, you generate a tiny dot, where you are in essence, leaving a gift for your future self. Day after day, each connects to the next to create a timeline of tiny little dots, or, an individuals subjective recollections of living. Later on down the line, you'll be able to look back along the string of chronological dots you've sown together and not only find pride in your co...

Basically my mind is chaos, disorganised severely to the point I can’t even do two tasks in a row, or one task to completion, or whatever your metric is for productivity but I am in dire neeed of clarity. There is no fucking way I could ever accurately judge the tasks I'm supposed to do; or the tasks I even need to do; if I have no idea what the fuck they even are. Unformulated reminders appear in my conscious awareness for just a moment, but are replaced by another too fast for me to actuall...