Old Kid

..it will be. I took a long break, thinking and reviewing my last years.. I give up. The only right thing I will do for the last 26 years is givin up. More I'm trying to help myself, the worse it is. So I give up. I'll stay home, disconnect my phone, lock my doors and never get out again. People make me sick anyway. I give up. -FBF ...

.. ..... .......... ... .. .LOL!! LMFAOL!!! LMFAOFOL!!!! could not resist. They are maybe just 473ml each, but I fucking bought two of them yesterday. I do not even know why. I do not have the taste of it; I never really had. Well, still one left. Yup! One was enough to put me drunk! I do not know where I am right now. I mean, I know I am at my home, in my living room, in front of my computer, typing this. Anything else is unknown. I wish to go sleeping and not waking up.. again. It starts a...

..radio silence since my last post. Lot to do around here. Well, at least, the "war" between M and S is over. They get along now. But I still want to die. I do not know why. It just passes in my head « I wish I would not be alive ». No particular reason. Just.. I wish I would not live. Weird. I just can not stand this anymore. I do not know what to do. Call back the special place? Already? I not event out since a month. Am I at this point weak? Less then three weeks and I need to go bac...

..I had a lot to do.. or let's say I have found a lot to do. First of all, I had to take care of S. Practically traumatised of being kidnapped a morning at 5:30 am, I see her more and more lurking around in the place and spitting on M when she sees him. M is a bit depressed that she is not more friendly. I also started coding stuff in PHP. Nothing too complicated, basic stuff just to keep my mind busy somewhere else and make work my brain in a more logical way. Logic is the base of programming...

..where am I? where are you? where did you sent me? Where I was taken? Please come and get me. If you can hear me, I am in a place similar then our home. It is also familiar, I recongnize some odors. I think I lived here before.. with someone else. I am hidding, hoping that all this is a bad dream. I am afraid, terrified. I hope to wake up soon and see you as usual.. but I do not. I woke up twice since and I saw another person. A man that I do not really know nothing about, but looks familiar....

..feel good right now. I feel like I have been manipulated for over a month now. All the event from may to today are replaying in my head and I was manipulated since the day J left this world at the vet. From that day, my mom knew I would never let her put S to sleep for good for any reason. So she played the game for a while. This morning, at 5:30am, when she asked me to go at the vet with S, I had no choice then to take S with me or she was dying during the day; it was the ultimatum. I se...

..which is a very big problem since I am looking for specialized help. I should listen more at what Johnny says. That guy from the place I did go for two weeks and was not comfortable to talk with me. This is why the lack of comfort. Social workers, same issue there. Psychiatrists, specialists: again! They are following a guide line, a canvas, a step by step guide, helping them to pose a possible diagnotic. It looks like an organizational chart with rhombus on it. Each contains questions br...

..her name is S. She is a wonderful black and white female of about five years old. She is a cat. It is 5:35 am and I know my mom does not have coffee this morning. I know, because I had to borrow her coffee two days ago and she asked me to grab some for her at the grocery store when I saw what was left. So at the door upstairs to gave her coffee. First question I was asked: « do you wan to go at the vet with the cat please? She pees around the litter since J (her other cat, another female) ...

..not at all. A bit of high thinking - not over thinking - but I was able to do something not so bad of my day. I can not say something good, because.. ... ..well I was not a good day. It was a "not a bad" day. After all, I am still alive, "ejoying" the Canada day, like any other canadian; not doing anything special, but enjoying the free time. Actually, I have a lots of free time to enjoy any other day. So, it is not something I was waiting for. It is just another day, but everything is setu...

..but on what? On what I need to give up so I can continue instead of starting over an old pattern? What I am living right now can be compared a bit like « the house that sends you mad » (or madhouse) in the twelve tasks of Asterix. Resume... Obelix and Asterix need a copy of « permit #838 » so they can continue on their way to the next task. For a little while, they are following the regular process, hoping it will bring them to that unfamous permit #838. And then it start a gigantic chain re...

..I quit. I have enough. I just do not understand. I will not try because I find this game stupid and I do not want to become stupid as you are. I worked so hard to do not become a stupid moron like you, nobody will force me to be one. I will die before this. So go fuck yourselves and die. -FBF ...

..I tried my best. I think I failed. This morning, I received a sort of command during a discussion: « you will take this in your appartment, because I said so. » My mom talked about a piece of furniture of a mid-high value (five hundreds to a thousand dollars) that she needs to move from the house she is renting and she do not have any place to store it in her appartment (4½ she occupies alone) until it is sold. Her and her ex-boyfirend - that I do not really like - tried to sale it online, w...

..I hope so. I had that message on my voicemail when I woke up yesterday afternoon after a long nap, sleeping on what is going on and maybe dream about the perfect solution. A message from the previous social worker I was meeting with, once a week. I ended the meetings because I was not sleeping at the end, doing nightmares. Imagine, I am far behind that point now. I spent twenty-five minutes last week with someone, on the phone, answering questions, updating my file, tha reasons why I was a...

..just drop it. It is very simple to say AND to do: just DROP iT. But It does not. I am just not sure how to deal with all this. I mean, with the news I had yesterday, trying to insure my car, it looks like my trucking days are over for the next three years. Around a thousand canadian dollars per year to insure me on a 2009 car, bought in 2018, a Mazda 3 GS, value of about three to five hundred dollars, not listed in the black book.. I mean, FUCK THE BiG WHAT?? Are you.. how we say this again...

November 2018 -Hello, La Capitale.. I would like to suspend my contract for my car insurances. -Okay, why exactly? -I am hospitalised for an undetermined time and I will not be able to make the monthly paiement for the next months. My next payment is due on the 20th - in 4 or 5 days if I remember - can you stop everything there? -Yes I can see to do this.. -It is temporary. When I will be out of here and able to to make the payments, I will contact you back and we can reactivate this one or a n...

...heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee..e.. ..Nope! I do not do stuff the same way I do stuff.. I do stuff if I WANT to.. I do not do stuff if I DO NOT WANT to.. But everything that I do is based on me.. Okay, I admit, my animal has a big influence on how I can do some of this stuff.. However, it does not take the final decision.. I do.. As I wish.. And, believe me, you are not the center of the world, of my world. I am the center of my world. Not you. So I did not go back befo...

..is it a good or a bad thing? It is a good thing all the way. A good thing because: FiNALLY, I get out of a place and I feel very different then any other places I visited before; sometimes for twice the time I spent there. A good thing because: I worked with genius people, very simple social workers, but who did a much better job then any psychiatrist in the last ten years. A good thing because: I did go forward with an efficient strategy, planned by this team of underestimated people. A ...