Behavior or Behaviour?



When humans experience some event that is outside their comfort zone certain things can occur. Before we go on I am not talking about someone looking at a parking space and thinking - "I am not comfortable that I will be able to fit in there". I am more talking about those events that instantaneously set your heart racing.

Technically, your Amygdala fires which leads to a change in affect which is the word used to describe the physiological changes that happen in the brain in response to a memory or an outside event. Essentially instaneously, unconsiously areas in your brain trigger as neurons lightup and neurochemicals, such as adrenelin and cortisol, are released into the blood stream in response to something that your brain perceived as danger!

Now back to normal words. When you get this affect change or jump as a response most people do not like it. We have forgotten that this reaction will save your life and it is a good thing. Indeed people say "you made me jump". Most people have heard of fight or flight and this also has a third f for freeze. These are the reactions most of us have to this uncomfortable "affect" change.

Humans do not like to feel out of control. When people around you become chaotic or down right dangerous we have a tendency to want to remove ourselves, flight. Become small and insignificant, how many times have you seen an arguement where one party completely shuts down and does not engage, freeze. Or the common one in a setting such as ours is to attempt to control our environment.

This is more common in our work for many reasons, I am not going to do an in depth analysis of those points here. However one aspect of this is the introduction of any form of hierarchy. Once you give someone a badge or a title which implies a station above another you imply responsibility for the behaviour of the subordinate in the relationship, essentially without an understanding or training it triggers a human default need to control those below you.

The flip side is also true. Can you think of a time where your parent or any boss you have had has told you that you should do a task a particular way. In essence you know that there is a better way but you have been told to toe the line. At some point, while you will openly do what you are told to do, you will also do something to make your mark, to make you feel better, something like hide the stapler or unplug the printer.

Things such as when your partner asks you to pick up your laundry off the floor and you do this but leave the toilet seat up as your response.

These may seem petty and insignificant however every human relationship has these sorts of interactions where someone makes a demand or request, essentially seeking control over your actions by asking you to do something. You then have the option to capitulate and give them control over your actions or not. If you do capitulate you may counter-control against the action in another way at another time in another room or place with another member of staff.
(another post here comes in around the phrase "she does not do that when I am on shift!")

If you experience a neighbour being silly over a fence or some such you may well smile at them and brush the conflict off however late at night (perhaps after a drink) you decide to knock over their bin.

My mother used to ask me to move a car or some such job at inopportune moments. I would do the task, therefore capitulate, however I do remember coming back in one day and swapping the knives and the forks in the cutlery drawer. This was safely in the knowledge that when she found them it would give her some mild annoyance and she would need to correct the error.

You and your partner are at a posh restaurant, you are watching your weight and you have had your posh but petite salad. While you are waiting for your partner to finish you are looking around the lovely room taking in the decor etc. A waiter walks past your table with a wonderfully ornate plate with a well decorated slice of black forrest gateaux on it. Your eyes track it noticing the way the cream has been decorated so well. Your partner notices your eyes and says - "don't you think you have had enough dear?" ...
How many of us would order the gateaux on principle. Indeed about "friends" making comments mentioning my weight in the past in this post.

These are elements we can recognise as counter-control. The point here is if this is normal for any relationship and is worse in a hierarchy - why do we hear support staff saying phrases such as "he should do what he is told"? - do staff always do what they are told in all aspects of their life? Another post on not offending people will be linked here at some point.

And so when someone does something that we think they should not, without training we can default to normal human responses. That is when we hear people say things that are clearly not helpful. We discuss many of these types of phrases on training and one of these is the word "stop". People say it because, the support staff feel - "if he stops moving chaotically in my environment, I will feel better". "STOP" is a statement designed to regain control by someone who is feeling a lack of control as to what is happening around me!

There are many other reasons to be careful about the word stop, and there are many other phrases commonly used to be careful of, however mostly this is engrained in 3 days training and this post is a 5 min read.


being in control is not what we should be aiming for if we are developing relationships

links to another post on relationships here at some point

male sports players and gender issues

I was discussing on training one day how gender equality was an impossibility. I am sure some readers will have your assumption filter jump into place now however I also usually find people are surprised by my opinions on this subject, as they tend to have made more assumptions about me.
Although in truth this was never meant to be a political arena so I will not be voicing opinions per se here today, or getting into a debate.

So back to the training, a participant, female, provided this experience.

on a night out

A group of large men who did sport together and were drinking in their club with no other people able to hear them apart from the lady in question and the bar staff. The lady was was telling us this story.
She pointed out that those men felt the need to apologise to her, the one lady present, for what they are saying, boystrous language and actions.

The lady then opened these two discussions.

Firstly, is it wrong that the men feel the need to apologise to the lady, as surely the belief that the lady is incapable of managing her own reactions to events around her, is itself a sexist belief?

Secondly, if we are to have equal acceptance of the other genders behaviour, should she not have just accepted that this was happening and accept men for being men?

"if a tree falls in the woods..."

Dessert Judgements

There was a long time in my life where after a meal when the dessert menu came round I would never have dessert, however, I would often have 2 mains.
This changed at around 30 years old or less when I started to always have dessert, a response to the stimulus presentation of a dessert menu that lasted to this day when off diet.

A couple of days ago I was out for a lunch with my family and another family, 7 people in total. We all had the mains as normal and I had chicken caesar salad without croutons which was an easy choice and meant I was not off diet, something I had thought a possible option as I had not seen the menu and was considering a day off.

Roll on dessert and my son, who had said the oreo cheesecake was good, and I both ordered only to find out all the other people who had not yet ordered were not going to order anything, even the youngest person there was deciding to be healthy....

And so I have had the good main course only to find I was one of 2 people having dessert. At this point, my son took a bite or 2 and announced he was too full. Therefore in a similar fashion to my earlier life, I was the only person eating dessert and on top of that, I had 2 portions...

The point of this post is that in days gone by most "friends" would have commented on my weight and decisions to eat dessert at all, certainly making blunter comments when seeing me eat 2 desserts. Now however the times may have changed as there were no comments bar the fact that when my son said he had eaten too much I was not the only person to suggest me as the answer to his problems.

In days gone past it would have been the comments or history of comments that would have resulted in my ordering dessert which fits with counter-contol. Once someone tells you to do something you cannot capitulate with, you end up wanting to counter this attempt at control. This is a normal phenomenon and should be considered in any human interaction.

However, this is me realising that now that I am much lighter than I was people are much less likely to comment on me having something sweet. Looking back at the last year, this has been evident on many other occasions. Indeed I have been in several situations where I have refused something sweet and explained I that "inside I am a fat person waiting to get out" and now I am slimmer people actively say "go on,one won't hurt".

About a week after this event we were out to dinner with a friend and his family. He has known me 30 years and generally spends a lot of time making comments about my weight and my eating unhealthily. When I had a day off while he was in the area (truth be told a few days off diet) he as usual commented in a derogatory fashion about my weight. However when he saw me late in the evening munching on a cream bun he launched as normal into some comment, then I pointed at my body and he finally had to say - "well it is working for you, I don't know how but it is working for you!"

The point is now I am lighter I am more able to control my need to counter control against these comments and yet now I am lighter he is starting to get his making of the comments under control.

People feel able to stick in their opinion and judge, I do not comment on what he eats but in terms of BMI - well I thought mine was less but a quick calculation has told me we are the same.

Yet those comments never made me eat less - in fact they made me eat more in front of him. While I do not have an eating disorder - people may have a good intent when highlighting an issue about eating but eating disorders need less comments made by others - please seek professional advice if this is relevant to you.


What do we experience when we feel lonely?

I have been on the road for weeks now. This has led me to experience something people may call lonely if I understand what the concept of Lonely really means.

I think I am spoilt and cannot really understand true loneliness. I have been happily married for over 20 years and I do have friends. Therein may be part of the issue. I spent tonight feeling disconnected and on FB chat contacted people I had not chatted to much or in a long time. I felt the need to talk about anything disconnected from my life.

One issue here is most of those I end up chatting to are people who see me as their resource. They talk to me about their issues. The relationships are skewed in those terms. I am not feeling that I need to talk to someone about any issues, I do not really feel I have any issue worth talking about. I could do with those "getting to know you" type chats you get when you make new friends. Could this be in essence be something lacking in my character? Is this an emotion that passes or is this approaching loneliness?

One of the outcomes of the social media age is us not connecting on that depth and all of us seeming to be competing with how good our photos are of our experiences so others can be jealous. As you can probably tell I do not use Social media much however last night I did look at my FB feed - first time in months, this almost led me to connect to someone who would be yet another drain on my energy.

This leads me to reflectively look at how I process these experiences and who it is good for me to spend time with.
Who's a resource and who is a drain??

Do I get something out of assisting those in need? Does this fulfill a need I have?

I was chatting online with a friend earlier who asked to call as she has an issue she is working through on chat with me. This led to a conversation but again it was all about her point. Now I did help and I am always happy to help - indeed this is a good friendship which I get a lot from.

What is it I need? Is this me being a whinny child? Many many people went through much much more discomfort through lockdown and their normal pre COVID lives.

Is this lonliness? Will retail therapy assist me?

positive psychology and thought

One of the positive psychology elements that we are aware of is that just like changing a habit takes 21 days so there is also a mechanism for altering brain chemistry when we follow the what went well scenario for 21 days. This brain chemistry alters a person's perspective from the normal and common pessimist to more optimistic brain chemistry. People can literally alter their brain chemistry in 21 days following a simple what went well process provided they follow this process every day.

This is also the most common amount of time behind altering a habit. The issue is consistency. However when it comes to positivity and negativity the brain starts to notice (that word again) the surroundings more and those events and experiences that can be used in the "what went well" experience exercise.

The process being summed up by the fact that we start to notice the butterfly when we are out and about taking into account the rich fullness of an experience in a positive manner after spending time doing the exercise for a number of days.

I have had a similar experience however with blogging. Several times a day I note that this thought I am having is a perfect blog post to debate. The number of times a day I have thought - "oh that is worth writing about" has increased exponentially while I have been doing this project of 100 posts before I have my next birthday.

The main problem here is not having the thought. The main problem is "focus". As a side note - this word counts in work "bullshit bingo" - we use it when we want to say F*ck off cos U'r Stupid". which has a certain affinity for those people in the room who realise what is being said to the person speaking.

Anyway, the point here is that I have many ideas - at least a couple a day however this could be a couple an hour which surface as great ideas to blog and I do the thing people have done for centuries. I say to myself - I must remember that for when I am on the computer later.

The question is do I remember, well I was going to make this post, as all the others so far, over 400 words, however, the point here is I have to say the answer is NO.


Missed a post...

Oh my!
I am soo busy in this project that is running alongside the daily training work I am doing. I missed the post yesterday. Now it is not about saying I did not have the time. I do worry about people's use of the phrase "I did not have the time!" Although to be fair my Advisor is screaming - "you do not have the time to be doing this 100 day thing on listed!". And now I have missed 2 posts.

We all have 168 hours per week. How we use them is the issue with having enough time. The amount we have is the same - the end result is the choices you make determine if you are spending that time on something that is constructive or not. There is an old adage - "if you want something done, give it to someone busy!" This is not because they have more time - it is because they are making more constructive choices with their time. Possibly just better time management.

You can choose to watch an episode of a box set the last thing in your day as a resource to assist you to relax - yes this is me. However, for the last 10 days or more, I have not done this due to a lack of time. The question is should I be doing the episode as it assists me with stress or should I work so late I am too tired and worry about getting enough sleep for tomorrow. Indeed worrying about sleeping leads people to not sleep. An interesting conundrum in itself, which fits with the ACT skillset around acceptance, defusion etc.

Q - Is the episode of the box set more important or the work?

Well, this has led me back to the consideration that I give up, what I call, drivel TV. My wife watches drivel in the "background" when she is working and achieving and I cannot concentrate when I do this. If we sit together from Dinner, I effectively do not get anything done constructively that evening whereas if I go off and work for 2 or 3 hours I can come back and watch something with her we both actually want to watch.

I am making a choice to have this as a shorter post as I am prioritising this project and some sleep over the 100 days challenge. Luckily I set myself the goal of 100 by my next birthday so there may be the odd couple in a day and the odd days I miss. I can still achieve it.

I wonder how many I have done so far?

honesty and teens

How we bring up teens is a constant conversation. The important points of parenthood become apparent when you first realise, that the first rule of parenting is you are doing it wrong and the second rule is everyone else is doing it right. This was a quote from a TV show called the A word. However it is a common perception and feeds right into the points about the advisor dictating how we are feeling all the time.

Perhaps the point is not about how to parent but about how to live within the integrity of our values. In a manner, we feel comfortable with.

The answer is actually simple. If parents are honest in dealing with others, especially in dealing with their own children, they are teaching honesty. If, on the other hand, they lie, especially with their own children, they are training them in dishonesty.

Franks, Suzanne; Wolf, Tony. Get Out of My Life. Kindle Edition.
We create our own reality. Humans spend a lot of time being negative and moaning about how others should behave. In old style personal development - "Be the change you want to see!" which from my perception means behave the way you want others to behave.

This all fits with the point about parenting teens, do you want the teen to grow up dishonest when any opportunity for truth exists. One person I work with we are implementing 2 plans around predictable lies. Oh and it is pathalogical.

if we think the conversation is going to be too much and a lie is the obvious, path of least resistence, we preface the question with - "we have an opportunity to tell the truth here". Then we take a breath and gently ask the question.
when there has been an obvious lie we stop, take a breath, and ask in a strange voice "LIE?" slowly and drawn out.
The first works more often than the second which works well only if the timing and relationships are in place. I think the first is more robust, in terms of this person as I have managed to get other supporters to achieve it.

Back to our teenagers. What do you want to happen when the pressure is on and your teen sees me under pressure? I am an advocate of noticing an emotion and labeling it. This can have a fabulous effect on brain development and is modeling dealing with pressure live in the mmoment. More on that sometime.

One day the youngest was in the kitchen with me (about 15 or 16 years old) and I calmly explained that I was currently under the most pressure (stress) I had been under in a long number of years. He responded by saying that if I had not mentioned it he would not have known. I liked that.

100 day challenge

1 of the concerns about doing the 100 day challenge revolves around how busy life can be and how we prioritise things. I am storming through a very challenging and concerning project which is dragging my mind constantly.

In the midst of the storm I get to a point where I am tired, I utterly need to do another task before I go to bed however the pressure that knocks in my head is around this 100 days of posting something.

This in this itself I find a concern. Looking back at the posts I have done I would wonder on the quality of what I have produced and a concern of - have I strayed too far from the point of writing. Well the on the second point let me just say - yes.

In terms of the quality or content of the things I am writing I know I can do better and would, given the time, spend more time developing arguments and finding research to quote to back up a point. However I am not doing that as I end up thinking - I have committed to posting 100 times by my next birthday, which gives me a few days off admittedly, seen here from my 2nd post. In that post I started and meant to continue to do a small "what went well" section (www) however I forgot that nugget quick enough. It is hard enough considering something that you need to fit in. This drags us from the present moment even more and the spiral drags down further.

The key in the last paragraph is probably "given time". None of us have time, the world is set up to cause us major discomfort when something happens and we are the last to know. Granted this fades in importance as you get older however it is linked to evolutionary science and being in with the crowd or group kept you alive. You were more likely to survive as part of a group. If I had the time to make a perfect post it would not get done - other things would prioritise my time.

If I took a moment to experience the present moment I would notice the things that could formulate - what went well today!


The dogs are asleep and one of them is lying in such a way that my feet are stroking her as I type. There are 2 tiny molly lambs (really cute) in one of our sheds tonight with a heat lamp. That the present I got my wife arrived (minor point they sent the wrong one) and it arrived a week early.


The experience for us parents of children becoming adults is well documented and leads to all of us having many humerous and terribly upsetting stories about interactions with this species know as teenager.

Notwithstanding the experiences of the adults in this young persons life what about the experiences of the person themselves?

A newly minted young person


  • been used to the safety net of mum and dad keeping them safe and bailing them out when they get in trouble with other adults
  • experienced a massive change in body shape and hormones
  • a seemingly sudden desire for autonomy without the responsibility that comes with it

In the morning the child is lovely, taking dishes out to the sink when finished breakfast and kissing you goodbye on the way out to school. In the afternoon a teenager comes home dumping their bag and coat all over the place and moans you are always picking on them when you mention the coat! This all seems to happen in a day. Should I blame school? :-)

The young person experiences

  • a strong ingrained new sense of self reliance
  • strong urge for independence, which has the flip side of
  • increased vulnerability
    • I push those who tell me what to do away
    • secretly I am terrified they will leave me to sort this mess out
  • a massive urge to find a group and fit in with the tribe
  • confidence in risk taking that would match Alex Honnold and his MRI shows he has a reduction in the activity in his Amygdala - he does not experience fear the way the rest of us do

And there is much, much more to take into account in the changes that a person experiences becoming an adult.

We have a tendency to see interactions from our own point of view, perspective, when we are interacting with a teen this perception is likely to be incorrect a fair amount of the time. The fact you will have an opinion is inextricably linked to the fact that from the teens perspective - you are wrong.


what - this one was not too long!

The teen is experiencing this and the older experienced person should have the maturity and experience in perspective taking, at least more experience than a teen.

While it may feel like that you cannot say anything right when dealing with a teen the key is to notice that you are feeling rigid in your approach.

After the interaction, notice your emotions, consider perspective taking and defusion from those awful thoughts about your offspring you love.

people do not shut doors

I have been doing training in the work environment for well over 25 years. I have taught over 20,000 people on short courses. I hope we can agree there is some experience there.

This is a post about the fact that no one shuts doors! - I am sure the statement needs some more explanation. When teaching in a room I will always wear shorts. This only changes if it is a room I know will not heat up, and the weather is very cold.

Participants generally will sit in the group and complain about the temperature, they do this even when I am sat still in T-shirt and shorts. So there is a huge range in the way people experience temp. However, those who are warm tend not to complain. Occasionally in extreme cases, warm people get to the point of dizzy and nearly passing out prior to mentioning being too hot.

So those who are colder are much more vocal, also sometimes not putting on their jumper or coat - just complaining? It is these people I want to highlight about doors.

There are many rooms where I would like the door left open as having a room full of people for a few hours the oxygen level decreases so much I get headaches, oh yes - another post.

People are very vocal about being cold, YET when it comes to the breaks, the vocal one's are heavily likely to walk out of the room and leave the door wide open! This staggers me as they have been so vocal about being cold.

When people are sat at the end of a break waiting for the last person to return and the door is still open the audience tend to mention about the cold and be negative when the last person wanders through the door but doesn't shut it. However, those same vocal people leave the door open when they are the last person back from a different break.

It staggers me how people can walk from a warm room to a cold room and notice the temperature change. The same person can walk from a cold room to a warm room and notice that. Yet for some reason, this understanding that a temperature difference will mean the warm room will get colder to balance the cold room seems beyond comprehension to most people. I refer back to my teaching small groups of adults experience when I say most people - in my experience.

I can relate it to a lack of understanding the simple laws of thermodynamics which govern the balancing of temperature through heat transfer. This is heat energy exchange from the first law and Entropy in action from the 2nd law - trying to get to thermal equilibrium, no net flow of energy between rooms. Without doors and insulation, this is achieved through the warmer room getting colder. And if the colder room is the outdoors, as in the door to the room is straight outside, then the heat will disipate quicky as it cannot warm up the planet enough to stop the temperature in the room dropping. At least in the UK :-)


Turning the heat up and leaving the doors and windows open is stupid.

nice to have an anonymous blog...

tough for some in the 'age of the lockdown'

In this age of the lockdown - which, btw, is what I do think it should be called, does your pre lockdown circumstance assist your mental health or not? We all hear about people in lockdown on all sides of the coin and I want to draw your attention to one area here, being a couple.

If you were single at the start of a lockdown that could be a relief or a horror. Indeed some people are simply not interested in relationships or even some are not interested in sex at all. This is not me simply having a jibe - asexuality exists.

In terms of human sexuality, however, it simply means a person feels no sexual attraction wikihow

Asexuality is the lack of sexual attraction to others, or low or absent interest in or desire for sexual activity wikipedia

I thought I had better show 2 sources.

The point here is this can cause a person, on one hand, to be relieved they are not having to fight off attention. Whereas another person, who experiences the need, may crave the attention and the chances to get looked at and admired in public. This lack of public opportunity can also cause a change in a person's mental health.

Either way, both parties will also experience some levels of introvert and extrovert that may also be relieving or not in the short term. The welsh lockdown in October - November 2020 was 17days. This may be a perfect amount of time for all the mentioned people. However, any of them may need simple connections that come from human contact. I think I could have done the 17 days lockdown alone if I had my dogs (resource) and my zoom account. But the need to have human contact could be overwhelming after a long enough time.

I have been married for nearly 20 years, so you can add over 3 years to that for the amount of time we have been together. This is quite a different relationship from our friends' perception of relationships. I will blog about that given my wife reading of the content first. Last night I only saw her for 10 mins as she is doing long days working at the moment - this is common. I realised how important the 10 mins was as a resource for my, and hopefully her, daily stress.

I may only see her for 10mins when we are in this routine however I know as a future resource all day I will get to sit and chat with her when she gets in. As a consequence, I get all bits ready with food etc so our time is ours.

Those people who are alone in lockdown may be better off in the short term yet I feel so thankful I have this person sharing my life. A few weeks ago she asked if lockdown had affected me much, this is kind of like saying what would you have done in normal life before COVID? We both agreed we are still living the life we had and even under full restriction we are not living much differently to the way we were.

One thing that came up was the ability to browse shops and some of the sporting things I do. Apart from that?


How hard it would be to not have that human resource contact coming to the door and into the house every day exactly when I need it?

the dusty annex of the PBS plan

One of the cornerstones of behaviour is having the resources to assist you with the stress of everyday events. Indeed behaviour that can be considered by some aberrant can be the person responding to a lack of resources to cope with the emotional experiences they are having. Which are in turn a response to the physical reality experiences they are having.
Having a great resource system is discussed in another post.

Positive Behaviour Support or anything that is person-centred no matter how you name it or spin it should be fundamentally in place to assist the person. It is not the case that the care plan has the routine for assisting the person to be calm when getting up and the behaviour plan is separate from this. Our lives are not separated like this.

That beating the egg to make yourself omelette is in the care plan and prompting you to wash up is too. When you pull the whisk out and hit me on the head do we suddely jump to a PBS plan and then back to the care plan when all is well and I can then prompt him to wash up?

that is ludicrous

The fact we can assist the person to behave in a manner that is found to be acceptable. That we have moved the sofa and moved shower time till the evening and let him whisk till he stops without us interrupting is all part of the care plan.

Why do we think this is not behavioural?

They get people like me to achieve outcomes that have altered staff behaviour and attitudes. Yet these things, the sofa move, moving the time a shower so as not to upset the person, are antecedent interventions. Effectively creating environmental changes that reduce setting events or antecetends which the PBS world would call slow and fast triggers. I suppose it depends on if you want to use big science type words or more simple words that muddy the meaning of the concepts - another post on perception and semantics anyone?

And so these changes that fill a care plan are behavioural interventions. Too long have we seen people have a care plan and a PBS plan. Why are they not fully and irrevocably integrated?

I am working on one at the moment and while the goalposts move on a regular basis I am aiming to have the idea of having a fully encompassing master document where all of the different action plans could be. However, they are all part of the bigger scheme of things. Given a good index and colour coding why not have everything in one place and have it as individual pieces could be detached and used for specific tasks.

  • giving the person a bath
  • absconding? get the information page to give the police

Why would these be separate from the PBS plan, the information changing in one section should change in another?


This leads me to the point I would rather have all this as a digital doc so when for example the person's weight gets updated it is a variable which updates the weight in any area the master document that needs that information.


There should be no dust on a PBS plan - we need to know this is an all encompassing living document that is updated regularly.

being a participant

I was a participant on a course today experienceing training from the other side. I am not sure I want to end up in that kind of role. Sure it is true that I am just a trainer however if you were to take a few moments to read some of the feedback I get working for my company you might perceive there is a difference.

Most normal training is basically covering a syllabus and keeping everyone happy. Today the trainer was perfectly amenable, likeable. However when you are in this sort of area of work the content has been done by people in the room before and the need is to tred lightly so everyone enjoys it all.

When about to attend or arriving at the training I deliver, people say I have done a course like this. If I was doing first aid, mental capacity, food hygiene or some such, I could understand the comment. When people actually go through the course I teach they say it is completely different to what they have seen before. I do not want to end up a dull trainer delivering the same old same old.

People use comments such as "an experience" when I train. Sure there are those for whom my personality does not mesh well with, some I rub up the wrong way and some whose perception of life is so far removed from mine I cannot get on with them. However these are few and far between. I did an online training recently and significantly over 50% of them are going to a short url days later to give glowing feedback. I change lives in work and families, I alter perception and reality. I cannot end up mundane. I think I may need a carrer change when I get to the point where I cannot create awe in a group of people on at least a more than average time basis.

So this is the point about me introducing myself to other people, a point I have laboured over.

  • Trainer - this really does not do me justice
  • Behaviour Analyst - this is a reductionist way of looking at what I deliver
  • Carer - yes and I cannot argue with this as I do it on a daily basis with someone in my home
  • Director - I suppose so, I mean I do run a limited company
  • Prosocial and Organisational Behavioural Management Facilitator - certainly, but not all encompassing
  • ACT facilitator - possibly, again it seems to devalue those who do this kind of thing evey day
  • Psychologial Flexibility Consultant - this may encompass the closest but still not content with that

What am I

Well with this 100 days of writing I am hoping to explore just that.

another post about life online

I am doing this maddening process of writing something for 100 days. I am not sure how I decided to take on yet another thing in the midst of some pressure on various fronts of things to complete.

Nonetheless, today I put aside the time to have a conversation with both sons on zoom. Something we do precious little and yet it is so important to remain connected. They can both be quite strong in their beliefs. Those who see the the great hack and the social dilemma and do not understand the implications of them are changing the fabric of being human. The whole way we interact has altered as has recently been seen by the power of the online with GameStop in the last few days.

The online machine is not a thing driven by the minds of the rich. It is a mass levelling field. However, that field can be manipulated by the voices of those who can. The Gamestop affair may be having a major effect, negatively, on those who play with large sums of money as we think of playing with dominos. Can a large number of users chatting online, behaving as groups do when the group dynamics come into play then be thought of as moral or ethical or are these terms for individuals.

If another global recession is the outcome of a large enough group of people swaying the system, is that a good thing. Yet another recession? because people who self regulate in groups tend to behave in predictable ways? Surely a large enough group of people voting with their actions is just democracy? This goes full circle back to the toppling of governments by people using social media to suggest things such as to not vote was the right thing to do as a protest and then make a cool meme to get people on board.

If the stock market can be affected so much by a reddit community, what else can they do? Or indeed what else can the rest of us do? The first series of Mr Robot springs to mind! F-Society.


I have suddenly realised I have to blog today and I only have 30 mins left. The day has been long for many reasons however the main pressure I have been under today is to make headway into this Positive Behaviour Support System that I have been lumbered with, in a manner that causes me some concern. I do not mind plans etc. I will however be in a room of 15 people delivering the content of a plan I have created before, all but one of them, has met the person.

This you say is not a problem, however, under normal circumstances, you would be correct. In this particular circumstance, I need to tread very carefully. The timing of this has caused us all concern and due to the emergency, COVID and some timetabling issues I will not have had the full assessment time I normally would have had. And so the plan is going to change very rapidly when we spend more time with this person.

My saving here is that, I will get to do some assessment and mum will be in the training that I am delivering along with one member of staff that I am aware of knows the person well. There will be lots of back covering comments throughout however I have had many pieces of information from many different sources of plans and assessments. It is just very uncomfortable to not have done these assessments myself. There have also been some assessments by an OT and a SaLT however I am yet to be given these. While the information is dense in its content it is specifically not been put together from an overall perspective.

If I was in an advisory troubleshooting role working with a staff team who all knew the person I would not be concerned by this. They do have the information. They are the true source so to speak. I can assist those who have knowledge to create fantastic outcomes hwoever this is not the case here leading me to say the title of this post.

I have titled this in this manner as I am reading The Stormlight Archive by Brandon Sanderson and this is one of the most commonly used swear words in the books. GREAT books BTW.

what is in a lie

We all lie. In some form or other. There are many many interactions that could be considered lies every day.

One of the issues we have with this concept is the whole issue that comes from perception. A neuroscientist today would likely debate the concept of there being one single reality.

Reality does not exist

We know from witness statements that if people all report seeing the same thing then the witnesses have either contrived / discussed the event or been coached by a third party. That is why they separate witnesses as early as they can. We all perceive the events we experience differently to the next person. Indeed as people listen to me in training they all have their own advisor talking to them and their own filtering of the input feed they are taking from me through their own life experience system. People perceive the same sentence or slide in a presentation differently to the person they are sitting beside.

If a child is still of the age where they believes in monsters under the bed then when any conflict over the perception of events arises their actual reality can change to suit their preference for the memory.

"I did not hit my brother in the face with that wooden halberd!"

Can be a complete truth for that child depending on their age. They can literally create their own memories of the experience. Altering reality.

When my son did actually get hit in the face by the wooden halberd, there was no debate, he did not say the above. I saw it happen and the youngest was crying and bleeding! Much harder to debate. Although to be fair it was an accident as they were playing and he swung slowly to imply hitting - it was just around a corner when the youngest was running into it. Neither of them could see the other till impact. These things can just happen in play - [another post I think]

Adults may also have brain chemistry that is similar to a child of that age. Some people do actually seem to be pathalogical liars. I have come across a few in my time however the question here is what actually happens for the person. Do they lie because they are actually believing you want them to lie. In which case, are they perceiving it as a lie or the right thing to say?


It is normal for the teenager to lie and this is particularly stongly connected to their interactions with parents.

Lying as a teenager is not an especially reliable indicator of whether or not that teenager is, or will become, an honest person. A good part of teenage lying is a function of the strange amorality of the at-home self.

Franks, Suzanne; Wolf, Tony. Get Out of My Life. Kindle Edition.

Effectively teens lie in the presence of their parents as they do not want parents to be in their lives, it is expected. Yet as the quote says this is not a good indicator of adult life or for that matter honesty outside the home.


Therefore, can a lie be a lie if the person saying has the perception they are not lying?