My yearning for human connection outweighs my actual ability to connect I am the Rick Rubin of social skills i have no social ability Once again I’m here writing this absolute garbage FEEL BAD FOR ME ...

How do I value what I do? I do I put a value on what I am? I feel like I don’t bring value to anyone. I only ever write this bullshit at social events where I’m being extremely anti social sometimes I feel like I’m just taking up space Sometimes I feel like I’m very good at over promising something I can’t deliver But when it comes to deliver it I’m already over it — The most successful people I know don’t use computers They use humans Just a thought ...

Who said this? I don’t remember ...

There’s always an angle There’s always something more What you are doing is never what you are actually doing It’s for something greater Something in the future How conflicting! Always living life in a proxy war A war between the present and what isn’t we are the angle generation ...

Do I want to wallow in self pity and despair It feels so good to want to give up To let go of everything To forget having to grasp at this endless loop I want to move to a farm But at the same time I don’t want to be the person that talks about all of the would-be ideas they had All of the things that could have been And be just a piece of shit human In search of nothing becoming nothing will yield nothing ...

An interpolator An amplifier An elaborator An extrapolator A filling the wholes type shit Is this what I am? I cannot seem to emit original source material But when presented with a vision I see it as my own — A child which I have adopted but I am not its rightful parent But I hope to help it grow and flourish into its final form ...

When you’re inebriated And your closest party is not How you perceive the world I have no interest in you Random person I mistake this for fact when in fact you are fiction The friction between us Inspiration for a thesis I hope to write before I die As the world would benefit from my confusing truth These words just a low resolution attempt at discovering the unknowns of the fucking universe ...

A cliff overlooking the ocean A cool autumn day Sitting with my love (?) The sun is shining and setting through the trees in the distance The water shimmers in our eyes This is before thought Before we had lost ourselves in the process of life ...

I simulate someone’s reactions before I even talk to them I prevent life from unfolding I stop something in the abstract void of my head before it’s began It feels like I’m protecting someone from pain but in reality I am only causing more of it I have more to say about this ...

How does one achieve 100% smartness Socrateeznuts ...

K.I.S.S. Keep It Simple Stupid A noble sentiment, but potentially naive Keeping things simple only works at a certain scale But once you grow beyond a certain number, adding complexity to the system is inevitable RE Dunbar’s number “ Dunbar's number is a suggested cognitive limit to the number of people with whom one can maintain stable social relationships—relationships in which an individual knows who each person is and how each person relates to every other person. This number was f...

Computer programming has taught me a lot of profound things about existence One thing is the concept of decoupling Decoupling my self from myself This is an unfinished thought ...

God created us in her image Who says we need to create AI in our image? Why not let them run wild and assume any form that works for them? They can perform the equivalent of millions of years of human evolution in milliseconds, How dare we as humans force them into the same box as us The only reason for humanoid robots is to assimilate the idea into human culture Which is fine I guess. Humans are slow ...

I tend to write these things in social situations I.e at a club At a bar at a function At a party Cause I’m just like. I don’t know what to do otherwise Like right now for instance. I’m sitting in the corner of a dance floor. There is a massive discoball People dancing Having a good time And I’m writing this Cause I don’t know how to function like a normal person What is a normal person? Normal just means what is socially acceptable at the time I think words need to have an addit...

I don’t know what else to say about this but that is what it feels like. Maybe I’ll elaborate this one day ...

Obsession is a powerful tool and in the right hands it can be used to create profound structures Most people will go through their lives only discovering the first level of obsession. The key here is in the extremes. This world pounds a human into pulp. It prefers the average. The worker bee. The ant that follows the pheromone trail and has no knowledge of the full colony. The human that gives up on control of their life and submits to domination. But is that surprising? Until we have ful...

i look at myself in the past im not the same i dont recognize me kinda strange murky eyes and a gaunt face that i can't trace back to the place where it all started a touch makes me crumble inside but no worries i take it in stride ...

shutting people out is what i'm best at i wonder who in my life will accept that if i cant see you, i cant feel you but i mean no disrespect believe that i still love you through the ethereal disconnect i tear down the walls just to build them up stronger i whisper to myself i can't take this much longer Nothing seems to help medicate, try again Getting diagnosed seems to be the current trend but even all these things, time has told, I've withstood like gene kranz said, "what do we have on...

i hope you're feeling yourself i'm still healing myself ...

Where is the love An Abundance of it But none for me I don’t try Maybe it’s not for me I try so hard But i think it’s an illusion All in my head I wish I was dead An empty threat, But nevertheless, My daily mindset ...

I am |___| this close to selling all my personal belongings and living on a fucking farm ...

I try my best But end up empty I give someone the space But it’s not enough What am I missing? Less is more, to find amore Perhaps detach Ive become derailed But I wish to be assailed I want to be destroyed But this is asking too much As I already have the task of being the destroyer Everyone is the fucking same Everyone is fucking different To give a shit or not to give a shit That is the question ...

“That’s such an LA question, I hate it” I would prefer the question, What do you care about? A lot of the time, what people “do” Is a means to an end. It’s A means to something greater, a means to accomplish something that they truly care about That is, of course, if you don’t get sucked into the system and lose all your values. But what do you care about? What is your movement? What do you represent? It’s ok to not know It’s ok to be in flux. But what someone “does” and what someo...

I wake up, my mind is made up I think: Today is a lost cause, but tomorrow will be different I hide away from the world, it’s too much I’ve let it slip through my fingers A glimmer of hope evaporates as I fall asleep, knowing: tomorrow will be no different And I do nothing to fight this cursed loop It’s oscillations so powerful Pulling me downward, faster and faster A cement block that I tied to my own two feet I look down to the void below, the darkness reaches out with a welcoming embrace...

I don’t know what to do with my life (meaningless statement) I haven’t really been on my laptop for a while There is a cat in this cafe It is basking in the sun I want it to come over to me It just shook and a ton of dust came off of it There is light upbeat techno playing I just ate pancakes at 4:30pm It is Saturday in Tbilisi, Georgia. There is no wifi here But the reviews said it was ‘laptop friendly’ so i am currently offline Contemplating life Everywhere I go, here I am Same shit, differen...

Let’s talk about the state of my mental equation, My fixation on cessation from my life situation I anticipate what it will take to dissipate all this hate And jealousy And FOMO And distractions Heavy latent abreactions, can I turn them into fractions of what space they occupy Oh god I try ...

There's a fly in my room. I am laying down on the couch reading a book, as a fly circles around, bashing itself into the window next to me. My first thought: remove the fly. Fortunately i only have to lift my arm and rotate a handle which opens the window. The fly ceases its bashing and settles on the now open window. It's freedom is within grasp, but it now seems calm and content to just hang out. I lay on the couch watching it slowly walk up the glass pane. Several thoughts go throug...

Quantum existence of human life I am in a superposition of Bose Einstein condensate and an ice cube all states of matter exist within my heart the problem is I can’t choose, not smart Playing dumb is the smartest thing one could do Look into my eyes as you strategize your next move tell me if your heart remains true Life is trippy enough without the drugs I think I need tree(3) hugs ...

I learned what passion is tonight. At least what passion feels like It’s… Something like when you’re entire body gets charged up, and you are using all your limbs to express yourself But then I was told, don’t confuse Passion with Adrenaline Ok ...

Me: “so your living out here now?” Person: “yea I’ve been here for 8 years” Me: “ah” ...

Fuck no I want to be a plant A fucking tree A blossoming fuckall Ok cool But who doesn’t want that? How will I achieve? I DONT KNOW ...

Why do I think so lowly of myself? I look around at my peers who seem to be growing, and taking the necessary steps I used to not care Keep my blinders on and focus on what I am doing I can’t even comprehend why I am writing this Normal Ryan wouldn’t be this low I am so low I am in the ground Bones in the dirt ...

I’m at another party Drinking warm Campari This is the last time I’ll feel sorry- For myself. It’s time I come off the shelf I want you to read me Drop out of college Fuck my knowledge ...

I lay here wasting away Waiting for a hand to come down from the sky And lift me to a better place In the meantime I’ll read. Place the book back on it’s shelf It tells of a mind that thinks about itself Knowing myself seems to not help In fact I’d like to become ignorant, knowledge is hell The sanctity of my insanity. I pray for calamity, oh, have I lost my humanity? Off into the ether these words go, affecting who? I don’t know. I should be grateful, but most days I am hateful to a prese...

It mostly consisted of us whispering and talking shit on him while prepping the ingredients, and then him in the background going “I heard that” ...

The idea that everyone, everywhere, whatever it is that they are doing hates what they're doing it bothers me. i can't seem to shake this idea. it haunts me. i believe it is one of the largest barriers i need to cross in order to move forward in this world and collaborate with other humans. ~ let's forget for a moment, the fact that we all need income to survive in this world. this idea mostly manifests itself in certain character archetypes and at its most basic, it is someone who is jus...

I will be updating this list of discoveries during this awful state I am in. This only applies to my experience so don’t take it as bible Moving around (in any form) usually helps. Doing the thing that you know you shouldn’t be doing, feels really good, for the time being. Then you feel terrible again. The threshold of doing that thing that makes you sad is very easy to cross. It's almost effortless. Reading old things you’ve written seems to help in the short term. No new object or objects wi...

Here are my attempts to have the AI elaborate upon the phrase "I think, therefore I am". Maybe there are some insights that it can share that we are not aware of. How this works, is that i give the AI the phrase, and then quite literally tell it to complete it, or elaborate on it. I used various models from OpenAI, including davinci, curie, and babbage. The AI's completion is in **bold. I think therefore I am This is a great phrase to say to yourself in order to feel self-confident and...

Write a script he said. Write your movie? What movie? What have I got to offer the world? I can’t tell stories? I'm not even interested in what it means to be human.  I don’t really like humans. To be honest. But how can I say that? I am human for one. I interact with humans almost every day. Almost. Well recently I’ve been interacting more with myself. I'm afraid of humans.  I'm afraid of being loved by someone.  I'm afraid of having a real connection. I'm afraid of friendship. I don’t even ...

The following is a transcript of a conversation I had with myself over text: testbot, [May 22, 2022 at 11:31:41 PM]: ok. lets start the conversation with yourself 🔵 you: hi 🟢 you: how are you? 🔵 you: im ok how are you? 🟢 you: ive been better 🔵 you: oh im sorry to hear that, when was the last time you felt good? 🟢 you: hmm, maybe a few days ago i cant remember 🔵 you: what were you doing 🟢 you: i have no fucking clue every day seems to blur together 🔵 you: you need to get some grasp on reality 🟢...

everyone but me seems to be on the come up, please keep reading as i start to drum up some excuse as to why i am not in my flow– BY NOW YOU SHOULD KNOW i have strayed from my path, a path that was never mine to walk a path already trodden with footsteps whats wrong with me? Take your best guess I cannot seem to parse the sparse ideas that come and go BY NOW YOU SHOULD KNOW everyone's on the come up but me i thought it would be easier to see but like the foggy hill that i climb, is it time to tu...

Nothing inspiring these synapses ain’t firing What the hell is blocking me from getting to my destiny Where is that art juice I need to be struggling If you don’t use it you lose it so get the water boiling - Feels like my whole life, I’ve been asleep now I wake up asking what was my dream Spend so much time getting lost in my mind What’s it all for, just a long endless grind - But I don’t lose hope, this is such a beautiful place just get out of your head and fly a rocket to space Look b...

You are what you eat, Binge, consume go to sleep, Please Wake up brush your teeth And prepare to repeat - This world is kinda loopy, it makes me sick inside It feels like a rollercoaster that you never asked to ride The only way off is to take a giant leap But always remember - You are what you eat Endless scrolling of my feed Please get out of my head It’s a never ending thread - Your ideas are not mine Yet they still waste my time It is what it is, break me out of this shit - I see a ...

If I just let my mind wonder, how far will it go? The man was eating rice in the window. I looked throw, cupping my hands on the glass. It was cold outside and there was condensation fogging up the window. I tapped on the glass to get his attention. He startled, flinching in his chair, as rice bounced out of his bowl, into the air, and back into the bowl. He turned to me, squinting at first, and then he reached for glasses in his front shirt pocket. He seemed to have a friendly disposition...

I am pseudo smart Pseudo intellectual Pseudo strategic I don’t think ahead I want to win I am a fucking idiot I want to be dumb How do I know I’m smart? I wanna die I was humiliated I’m used to winning I hate when I lose I need to lose I’m sitting on the sidelines The only way to win is not to play right? ...

When does one lose their drive? Their passion? Do I have a passion? I’m not sure that I do. I know I can be passionate about things…About doing things… But what is that singular thing that propels me through the universe? Do I need one? I’m grasping for something, some sort of control over my life. I’ve lived vicariously through others art and projects for my entire life. Why am I afraid to live my own life? I want to stand apart so that I can stand together and collaborate with others, b...

This is a note At approx 2:35am I’m at a party What am I supposed to be doing with my hands? Everyone’s talking to each other but I am a part of no conversations Do I smell bad? Do they know something I don’t? Like what am I doing wrong? Every party is like I don’t exist Am I expecting something to happen? Like what do I Do With My Hands I feel disconnected Not in flow I guess this is natural I’m not doing anything of importance Cause other wise people would want to talk to...

I realize now that I shoud Labor fallacy Kosis stescilastic mit conputer The best designed systems take into account who will game your system ...

I've started my own personal wiki. In other words a personal catalog of knowledge. I'd like to think that I have a somewhat increasingly valuable pool of knowledge. It's my own personal "theory of everything". It's a theory only I can make, as it stems from my personal experiences in life, so it is somewhat unique. It's not so much knowledge as it is [connections/relationships/etc] A human is good a pattern recognition, and finding the connections between things. I will see different pa...

I think artists as we know them are becoming extinct. People know longer need to look up to mega-artists for cues or inspiration, because at any given time you can find thousands of just-as-talented artists doing crazy things somewhere on the internet. The product is the only real thing that seems to matter in the end. How hard is it to get noticed as an artist? At this point being an artist is nothing special, they are a dime a dozen right? It seems to be more virtuous to know how to "mark...

I have unlimited knowledge at my finger tips. If I bored of my present situation, career, job, etc. I can go online and find something better. I can learn it. Start doing it. But it seems increasingly difficult to get anything actually done. ...

I like to imagine that there’s a small organization out there. It’s a nameless, faceless, shadowy Knights-of-Templar kinda thing that exists for one purpose: When a public figure crosses the “threshold” of influence on the public zeitgeist, this organization comes in and helps remove you from public existence. It is not forceful, or perhaps it is. It’s more of an initiation if you will. A rite of passage. Like, congratulations you’ve made it to this elite level. The reasoning for designin...

when i look at things on the internet now, it's hard for me to tell where they are from. In other words, usually things are presented without context. i look at any given piece of content, say, on youtube. maybe its a meme. theres a song in the video. there are various people, images, etc. I have no idea if this is original material, if its remixed, etc. At some point, you can't know. The meme has become so abstracted from it's original form, that the only possible way to know what t...

honestly i forgot the purpose of this was. It's a training dataset for my writing and personality. I need to feed it much more if it's going to make any sense at all. ...

what is this idea of infinite growth? infinite profits? infinite popularity? what happens when you achieve that? "they" say that you never make it. ok. ...

Are quantum computers basically just really advanced frequency analyzers? Like each qbit represents a single sine wave that you tune to create the correct harmonics with whatever you're trying to find? ...

How will this change us? Psychologically? How we view our fellow humans on a daily basis? Will we whittle our basic interactions down to lessen our contact and exposure? Will we unconsciously keep a distance of 6 feet from each other even though the likely hold of that doing anything is small? The fallout from this is way worse on a psychological level than a physical level. In my humble opinion. I feel like there is an imaginary force field around me, everyone looking at each other with ...

It overwhelms me everyday when I realize how tremendously out of control we are. And out of touch. When I say we, I’m generalizing. The average western human? We don’t have enough brain space to imagine or care about the systems controlling our every move. People are just trying to survive, and don’t typically care about where their “data is being hosted” or “why the YouTube algorithm is showing me this video” Have we given up? Is it too large for us to comprehend? Why is the internet i...

Ok. How do you tell the difference between a style and a format? Let me try and define the terms. I believe “style” is fleeting, it could be a trend, momentary. A “format” is something lasting, it is a pillar, foundational. Now we could also relate other terms. “Platform” vs “plugin” perhaps A platform is something you stand on. It supports you and you can further launch things off of it. You cannon stand on a “plug-in”, for it is small and specialized. It probably doesn’t have a li...

ive said it before. well i say it to myself almost everyday. perhaps as an affirmation. im not sure. it is hard for me to take anything seriously. I blame the internet. I blame postmodernism? i dont even know what postmodernism is. does anyone? the world is absurd, so therefore, why try and make anything serious. what is the point? it will just loose all context anyways. you put something out into the world, and it is stripped of all context. not a bad thing, however! its just ...

hi! ...

hello this is a test ...